Ghost of my Heart

Bruiser is right. My new "friend" is pretty cool.

This might sound weird, but she reminds me of Skylar. Not in a depressing, borderline suicidal type way. Trin is nothing like that. But more like in a passionate fun type of way. Its hard to explain, you would really had to have known Skylar to really get it and the only one who knew her is Speed.

The Circus Ladies seemed to like her too.

Maybe there is something there.

For the first time since Skylar, I've been considering a relationship. And on Speeds advice (yes, even the ring leader needs advice sometimes) I went down to her grave. Crazy or not, I talked to her. It hurt, I was sad, but I said all things I had always wanted to say but was too afraid to. I felt better, I felt worse, and for some reason, I felt scared.

I was scared that if I really let her go, that I would lose the last little piece of her. That piece of her heart that I keep locked in mine. Scared that the memories of our lives together would fade away to a whisper. Those memories are what keep me striving to live another day. Most of all, I was scared that I wouldn't feel her love anymore. And I need that.

Trin isn't pushing for anything right now, which I am relieved. No one is pushing me and I'm thankful for that.

It all makes me think of Bruiser's post. And the words that Speed had written in her other blog. I might not be standing in the window watching it all. Instead, I'm in the middle of the chaos and living my life to the fullest. But I think we all come to a point in our lives, I'm sure more than once, to where we have to walk out on a limb. To where we have to have faith in our abilities to create the world we live in. Where we have to believe that we can alter our universe and still be ourselves. Maybe its a small push or a pull. Maybe its a compromise or a standing firm. It could just be as simple as taking one small step to the left or right.

I think we all know if we are ready to fly or not. And just the fact that Bruiser is even considering, proves it. Because, otherwise, how would she know its possible at all?
She knows, just like I know. But I'm not telling.

Fly or fall?

Yeah, our sober Easter was pretty cool.

Candy and Ash have never seemed more alive and happy than they did that day.
And to watch Dimes and Laney together...its mind boggling. Who would have ever thought that Dimes would meet her match?

And Starr's new "friend" is pretty cool too. Even Walker had some girl with her that was pretty cool.

But me...

I know I have been acting like I'm all good and happy and shit, but in reality...I'm hating life at the moment. I'm at the point where I don't even want to wake up for work. And you all know how much I love my job. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't shake it. I think Speed said it best in her myspace blog. (Stolen with permission...because she loves me)

Its like you are watching from a window that is too high to make out the details but you think if you could just reach out, you might be able to touch something that could be there in some alter reality that is silently calling your name and begging you to wake up and smile or something because it might mean something like that there is hope for a new beginning that is waiting just around the corner but you're lost because someone forgot to give you the map and all the roads look so damn foreign and empty or maybe too full and nothing looks right so you stay in the window and watch the blurs below as they interact with each other and you wonder if they are happy and maybe talking about how to get you to jump out of the window and spread your wings because they all know you can fly but you're not so certain that the wings are strong enough to keep you from hitting the ground so hard that you won't wake up and tomorrow will fade into nothing and you'll realize that maybe you shouldn't have jumped because it was all wrong in the first place or maybe too right and the wind is blowing so hard that it stings your face and the opening in the window is getting bigger and bigger but the blurs confuse you like maybe they are trying to trick you into believing that this is the way its supposed to be and you try to shake it off like its a leech sucking at your jugular but leaving just enough blood for you to survive but when its all said and done...you still have a choice...jump and fly or jump and fall or stay right where you are at and hope that its not as miserable as its leading to be.

At the end of this blog she says, "I say jump, MOTHERFUCKER! You'll never fly if you don't try!" And I'm there, standing on that edge, contemplating the fall but feeling brave enough to try. I'm not scared but I am hesitant. And that little bit of hesitation is what is driving me nuts.

Easter Sober

Today was a first for us Crazy Lesbian Circus gals. It was the first party we've ever had where everyone was completely sober. No alcohol...no nothing. And I think its one of our best parties yet.

In honor of Candy and Ash's being sober, we thought it would be really cool to join them in their sobriety. So we spent the day in the ocean and had an x-rated Easter egg hunt. Walker and Bruiser made a wonderful meal. There were only two things that we really missed...Speed and J.

For any readers that haven't checked out Speed's blog, you should. Not only is she an amazing artist, but her and J (her partner) are musicians too. And usually at these CLC get togethers, they are the entertainment.

We missed you gals. Hope you had a great Easter!