Reflection

Damn! I wish I would have known you were awake, Starr. I would've had you join me at the beach. It was crawling with sexy women today.
Maybe its something in the air, Starr, because I haven't been sleeping much either. Or it could just be that time of the year. You know, 'the years almost over and what the hell have I accomplished type thing.'
Anyway, so I went to the beach today...alone. Watching the sunrise helps me relax. I had such a hectic week.
Yeah, so I wanted to think and a subject I hadn't thought about in a long while came to mind.
I arrived at the beach as the sun was coming up. It was a magnificent sunrise I might add. The place was empty except for two punk girls that were sitting close to shore holding on to each other tight. I knew they couldn't have been more than 16 or so, but it reminded me of when I was that age. Then it reminded me of coming out.
Very painfully reminded me, too. The look in my mothers eyes and the words that flew from her lips like bullets from a gun. She threw a gallon jug of gin at me that I still have the scar from.
I started wondering what it was like for kids now. Since I had no idea, when the girls were walking past me, I stopped them. They were more than happy to sit and explain their coming out stories. (Yeah, they both were out.)
Christy, who told me she just turned 17, said that coming out for her was awful. She said that her parents had always preached about unconditional love and such. But when she sat them down to tell them that she had fallen in love...for the first time...with a girl, that unconditional love turned into an inferno of hell. They ended up kicking her out in the street. Her aunt took her in but still. How could a parent do something like that to their child? She said that they won't even answer when she calls and all her letters have been returned. I guess we know who the adult here is and I told Christy so. She was really a good kid.
Her girlfriend, Trin was still sixteen. And yes Trin is the girl Christy was in love with. They had been together for two years already. Well, her parents took it a little better. Okay...her mom took it just fine and her father still hasn't said a word to her, but at least they didn't abandon her. The best part is that her parents don't try to keep them apart. In fact, her mother calls Christy her "other" daughter which I thought was pretty cool.
My mother has never even acknowledged any of my girlfriends and still tries to fix me up with "nice young men."
Trin quoted what her mother had told her. She said, "Love knows no gender. And if God is all knowing, then he knew that you were gay before he sent you here. And he wouldn't have brought you to Earth just to be damned to hell. So, if God is cool enough with it to give you life, then everyone should be."
I thought about it for a while after they left and I saw where her mom was coming from. Most of us know that we are "different" at a very young age. There are many who don't realize it until later in life. There are even some who know but are so afraid of losing their loved ones and friends over it that they pretend to be straight for decades, living a miserable life.
Then there are the kids. The ones that don't make it to their 16th birthday because of rejection from their families or depression from holding in such a big secret or simply because they have no one to talk to about their confusion.
Its not fair.
Children should not have to be so afraid. Parents should realize that they brought an individual into the world not a mini version of themselves. An individual with their own mind, their own feelings. Feelings that the parents might not understand. But still...
That child is still the small baby you held close as you whispered that you would love them no matter what. The same baby you said was perfect in every way. They are still perfect, they just love a little different.
Even though you might not love them anymore or feel disgusted or disgraced by them, they still love you.
Like Christy said...they are her parents and she will always love them even if they hate her for the rest of her life.
Stop losing your kids to your ignorance and hate.
Love is love...it knows no gender.

Sleep deprived

Yeah, another sleepless night. And you would think that after last nights activities, I would be content in the arms of the stunning woman who is still warmly sleeping in my bed.
I tried to sleep. She made herself comfortable, wrapping around me, and I listened to her breathe for a long, long time. My eyes never closed.
So here I am. Trying desperately to figure out why I can no longer sleep. I have no worries. I mean, yeah, I got the normal family problems but nothing that's been occupying my mind for more than the ten minutes or so it takes to have the problem discussion.
I've been writing intensely. No problems there.
I don't know, but whatever it is, I hope it starts talking to me or something.
I think I'm losing my mind.

Induction to the Addiction Hall of Fame

OMG! This morning I woke up in some fuckin' hotel room with a bunch of people I didn't know. I couldn't find my shirt anywhere and it took me an hour to find my GSXR (my motorcycle). I had to ride all the way home in my fucking bra and it was damn cold.
Oh, I'm Candy by the way. The Circus Junkie. At least that's what the girls call me. I'm an addict and I know I'm an addict. I've never denied it and I don't really give a shit.
My addiction started about 5 years ago, I think. When I was 19, I was in an accident on my first motorcycle. No, I wasn't out fucking around. I was obeying the laws and doing the speed limit. Some fucking asshole in a work truck pulled out in front of me. I don't really remember much else.
I was told I landed in the back seat of a parked car. Went right through the rear window. They pronounced me dead en route to the hospital but somehow, I came back.
Long story short, I was fucked up royally. The pain never goes away. The good side is that I got a couple of million out of it.
You probably think I'm crazy for getting on a bike again but I look at it this way...God's gonna take me when she wants to. She sure as hell didn't want me the first time!
Okay...so I am crazy. But aren't we all!
Gotta run, Bye

Bruiser

I wasn't so sure about this thing at first. But...the more I thought about it, the better I felt about it.
There's just some things I don't share with the girls because I just don't want their faces staring back at me when I tell them things. I figured in here, I could write about it to let them know whats really going on and I don't have to see their reaction. I don't have to hear their arguments or whatever right away. (Sorry girls, but you all can be quite difficult at times.) They can read it and have time to think about it before they give me any shit.
What's up, I'm Bruiser, the Crazy Lesbian Circus bodyguard...to an extent. I got a tough girl image that has followed me for decades. I don't cry. Nothing hurts me. I'm like a thick wall of steel and I'm just about as cold. (At least that's what I've been told.) Don't believe everything you hear.
I have a girl. I've been in an on-again/off-again relationship with Amber for about five years now. I love her. I really do but...I think I will have to share that in another post. I'm still not quite sure I'm ready to share at all. But I will make an effort. Until then...Later

Walker

Starr's been hounding me to introduce myself here. She has this theory that it will help us all in one way or another. I think she's just tired of us calling her 24/7.
Okay...so here I am. Walkers my name. The girls call me Walker because they say I have a fear of commitment. That I walk out when things get heavy. It's not true, though.
I just like my space. I like my independence. I've seen it too many times. You give yourself to someone. They take over your life. Then they leave you and take everything with them. I won't let that happen to me.
Besides, I got a girl, Val, who understands my point. We've been together for about three months. Everything's been going great and she likes her space just as much as I like mine. I think things will work out good for us.
Happy Starr....later.

The shy one

I talked to Walker yesterday and she says that Maggie (the girl with burgundy hair) was pretty pissed off at her for setting us up. But Walker says she smoothed things over and explained my "shy" problem. That was cool of her, right?
So now Maggie's gonna call me. I'm petrified. I mentioned before that I was the most inexperienced...I'm not lying. I've had one, yes one, short relationship back in high school. I'm 23 and I haven't had sex since I was 16. And that was only twice.
You would think having free loving hippies as parents, I would be a little more like them. To be honest, their lifestyle used to scare the shit outta me. I'd wake up in the morning to a house full of naked strangers. Once, I woke up to two people having sex on the floor of my bedroom.
My parents made sure that never happened again and made my room off limits. But still, I'd seen too much. At age 8, I drew a naked woman in art class. It was a mental image of a naked woman that was passed out on the couch. Anyway, I got in so much trouble and damn near landed myself in state custody.
The woman was so beautiful though, blond hair and beautiful curves. That was about the time I realized I was different from most kids.
Well, if Maggie calls and something happens, I'll tell the story. Hopefully it will have a happy ending this time.