So yeah, I met the parents Christmas eve. They were...hmm.
They were kind of cool I guess. I think Val's dad is an amateur comedian. And some of the conversations I heard...crazy.
Her grandma was like...lets just say I thought I was caught in a scene from that movie "The Nutty Professor". You know, when the grandma is talking about relations. Val was embarrassed beyond belief and I still haven't stopped teasing her about it. If you could have seen her face when her grandmother starting talking about sexual positions...ha ha.
Her mom pulled me aside several times. Her questions were kind of mad. They were personal and things that I wouldn't share with anyone (except Starr maybe).
One of the one's that made me the maddest was when she asked me if I was in love with her daughter. Why would I tell her that if I haven't even said those words to her daughter? I told her that I didn't know yet, but when I did know, Val would be the first to know. She was kind of snotty to me for the rest of the night. Oh well.
Her dad and brothers were cool.
All in all, it was an okay trip. We got back early Christmas morning. Thank God because, if the girls haven't mentioned it yet, Starr's parties were fucking out of this world. I'm so glad that I didn't miss them. I so love her house.
Just so you know...the New Years party at the Bruisers was damn good too.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
She said its over
Maggie...broke up with me last night. She said its because I need to figure things out.
Figure what out you ask? Good question.
She claims that I am still in love with Kay. Then I said something that was pretty stupid on my part. In my defense, I was pretty emotionally fucked up at the time. I thought me and Maggie had a great relationship going.
Anyway, the stupid thing I said was...So what if I'm in love with her, I'm with you.
As soon as the last word exited my throat, I wanted to swallow my foot. That was cold and uncaring of me to say.
And honestly, I don't know if I love Kay. I did at one time. But it was such a short lived romance that was ripped away from both of us by monster parents. Hers not mine.
She's as beautiful as I remembered her. Uhg...listen to me. Maybe Maggie's right and I'm just too slow to realize it.
Oh well, I'm crashing from my sugar rush now. I think I'm gonna be sick.
Figure what out you ask? Good question.
She claims that I am still in love with Kay. Then I said something that was pretty stupid on my part. In my defense, I was pretty emotionally fucked up at the time. I thought me and Maggie had a great relationship going.
Anyway, the stupid thing I said was...So what if I'm in love with her, I'm with you.
As soon as the last word exited my throat, I wanted to swallow my foot. That was cold and uncaring of me to say.
And honestly, I don't know if I love Kay. I did at one time. But it was such a short lived romance that was ripped away from both of us by monster parents. Hers not mine.
She's as beautiful as I remembered her. Uhg...listen to me. Maybe Maggie's right and I'm just too slow to realize it.
Oh well, I'm crashing from my sugar rush now. I think I'm gonna be sick.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Ghost of the past
The trip to the cemetery...was awful.
It reminded me how much I miss Aunt Joan. Not to mention that Christmas just passed. And Grandma, she took it hard. Aunt Joan was her second to oldest daughter. She said it killed her when I told her about her passing. I could tell. Not only did Grandma look her age, but she looked like she had been crying since we had our phone conversation. Maybe she is sincere, after all?
We spent more than an hour at the grave site. I told her stories of the final years of Aunt Joan's life. We laughed. We cried. We even argued, but it was nothing major.
Before we left, I stopped her at Skylar's grave and introduced them. Skylar's grave wasn't too far from Aunt Joan's. I think Aunt Joan planned it that way. She loved Skylar like she was her own. I know it sounds strange, but I wanted Grandma to know how important Skylar was and is in my life. When I told her what had happened, she cried with me and held me like she used to when I was a kid. Over dinner, I shared that part of my life with her. The part of my life that was so full of love and compassion. She said that I helped her see my life from a different point of view. Different from the hate and violence my family had always thought of it.
That's when I made the point that it was just that. My life. My love. My pain. My everything. And the way I planned on keeping it.
She promised that she understood. But then she begged for me to give her a chance. A chance to love me like she used to. A chance to be my family again. A chance to be Grandma. A chance to make up for all the years that had been taken away from both of us...by force, as she explained it.
I always knew my grandfather was a horrid man, but when she explained some of the things he had done and some of the things he wanted to do to me, I shook to my core. He really was plotting to kill me. Grandma swore she did everything in her power to keep that from happening. I told her that she did a great job, since I was still breathing. But I'm sure Aunt Joan had a thing or two to do with it too...she would have never told me. I was a kid for goodness sakes.
I won't show Grandma where I live just yet. Its sad, but I'm still having some trust issues with her. She said that my brother really wants to see me. God, I miss him so much. But I still don't know. We will have to just see how things go from here.
It reminded me how much I miss Aunt Joan. Not to mention that Christmas just passed. And Grandma, she took it hard. Aunt Joan was her second to oldest daughter. She said it killed her when I told her about her passing. I could tell. Not only did Grandma look her age, but she looked like she had been crying since we had our phone conversation. Maybe she is sincere, after all?
We spent more than an hour at the grave site. I told her stories of the final years of Aunt Joan's life. We laughed. We cried. We even argued, but it was nothing major.
Before we left, I stopped her at Skylar's grave and introduced them. Skylar's grave wasn't too far from Aunt Joan's. I think Aunt Joan planned it that way. She loved Skylar like she was her own. I know it sounds strange, but I wanted Grandma to know how important Skylar was and is in my life. When I told her what had happened, she cried with me and held me like she used to when I was a kid. Over dinner, I shared that part of my life with her. The part of my life that was so full of love and compassion. She said that I helped her see my life from a different point of view. Different from the hate and violence my family had always thought of it.
That's when I made the point that it was just that. My life. My love. My pain. My everything. And the way I planned on keeping it.
She promised that she understood. But then she begged for me to give her a chance. A chance to love me like she used to. A chance to be my family again. A chance to be Grandma. A chance to make up for all the years that had been taken away from both of us...by force, as she explained it.
I always knew my grandfather was a horrid man, but when she explained some of the things he had done and some of the things he wanted to do to me, I shook to my core. He really was plotting to kill me. Grandma swore she did everything in her power to keep that from happening. I told her that she did a great job, since I was still breathing. But I'm sure Aunt Joan had a thing or two to do with it too...she would have never told me. I was a kid for goodness sakes.
I won't show Grandma where I live just yet. Its sad, but I'm still having some trust issues with her. She said that my brother really wants to see me. God, I miss him so much. But I still don't know. We will have to just see how things go from here.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Beautifully Shaking
It was night three of the Christmas Beach Party. Starr's house was beautiful. The lights, the ocean, the women, the laughter.
Laney had been acting strange all day. My gift to her was an amazing tattoo, done by Rob. I told her to get anything she wanted. It was music notes and drum sticks and...my name that she wanted. It was absolutely beautiful.
We arrived at the party and she wouldn't let me go. I didn't mind, like I said, she is the only one I've been with since I met her. And honestly, she was the hottest women there.
Somewhere toward the end of the night, she asked me to walk with her along the beach. We left our shoes on the deck and walked along the ocean's edge. Star's were showering us with their light and the waves were like music to our ears. We stood for a while, my arms wrapped around her from behind, just watching the waves crash. She told me she wanted to tell me something, so we walked away from the shore so we could hear each other.
She was shaking, I remember, so I gave her my jacket. But it didn't stop her shaking. She kissed me with so much passion, I now believe in the knees getting weak saying. I felt it. I asked her what she wanted to tell me.
She says, "I want you to know...that I'm in love with you," in a purr just inches from my lips, staring into my eyes.
I had never been so scared to death in my life. And when the words of love I spoke passed through my lips, my body trembled. I told her that I was in love with her too and she smiled through her tears.
I thought that what was happening between us before was what making love was...but I was wrong.
It was like we were touching each other for the first time. Everything felt brand new. She tasted sweeter. The kisses were deeper. There was an absolute meaning behind everything we did. And...we became the ocean and the stars and the wind and the sand beneath us as we moved into each other.
She held my heart and soul in her hands and I know she was just as scared as I was. And it was beautiful. She was beautiful. We were beautiful.
Oh, yeah...life is beautiful. Beautifully.
Laney had been acting strange all day. My gift to her was an amazing tattoo, done by Rob. I told her to get anything she wanted. It was music notes and drum sticks and...my name that she wanted. It was absolutely beautiful.
We arrived at the party and she wouldn't let me go. I didn't mind, like I said, she is the only one I've been with since I met her. And honestly, she was the hottest women there.
Somewhere toward the end of the night, she asked me to walk with her along the beach. We left our shoes on the deck and walked along the ocean's edge. Star's were showering us with their light and the waves were like music to our ears. We stood for a while, my arms wrapped around her from behind, just watching the waves crash. She told me she wanted to tell me something, so we walked away from the shore so we could hear each other.
She was shaking, I remember, so I gave her my jacket. But it didn't stop her shaking. She kissed me with so much passion, I now believe in the knees getting weak saying. I felt it. I asked her what she wanted to tell me.
She says, "I want you to know...that I'm in love with you," in a purr just inches from my lips, staring into my eyes.
I had never been so scared to death in my life. And when the words of love I spoke passed through my lips, my body trembled. I told her that I was in love with her too and she smiled through her tears.
I thought that what was happening between us before was what making love was...but I was wrong.
It was like we were touching each other for the first time. Everything felt brand new. She tasted sweeter. The kisses were deeper. There was an absolute meaning behind everything we did. And...we became the ocean and the stars and the wind and the sand beneath us as we moved into each other.
She held my heart and soul in her hands and I know she was just as scared as I was. And it was beautiful. She was beautiful. We were beautiful.
Oh, yeah...life is beautiful. Beautifully.
Family and such
For all to know...the Christmas Beach Party was a smash again! Literally. My sliding glass doors will never be the same. Thank you to all my Circus Freak Lesbians for helping me pull off such an amazing event. Still didn't feel like Christmas though...but such is life.
Back to the family thing. So yeah, grandma called. Said that grandpa was the one keeping her from me. But I always say, no one can keep you from what you want except yourself. I really feel that if she wanted to find me she could have. Same with my sister and cousins and so on. I did have one cousin that I ran into a few years back...but she ignored me when I said hello. That's about the time I said fuck all of them. I had my Aunt Joan and that was all that mattered to me.
Aunt Joan was an amazing woman. Strong with a very clear, free mind. She marched with me at Pride festivals and stood up for me in front of government institutions. She was a strong fighter for women's rights and fair and equal treatment for all. She loved me unconditionally and lost all of her family when she took me in.
I was fifteen and alone on the streets of Ft. Lauderdale. She hunted for me for weeks before she found me. Honestly, I was hiding from her...I had originally thought that she was like the rest of my family and wanted to find me so she could beat the gay out of me. She snuck up on me when I was sleeping and cried as she held me, telling me how much she loved me and that I was going home with her.
There was a big court battle but Aunt Joan (who was a lawyer) won hands down. And that was the last time we saw any of our family. We tried to keep the family together but they didn't want anything to do with us. They would change their numbers, move, and my mother even took my siblings out of their schools. It was stupid and childish if you ask me. All because I was a lesbian.
So grandma says that it was grandpa's views that kept our family from us. She said that when mom called her to tell them that I was gay, grandpa told her to get rid of me. (And he didn't mean kick me out.) My dad's family was the same way. I was the huge disgrace to my family and didn't deserve to live. So, when Aunt Joan adopted me, she let me change my name to anything I wanted. I changed it to hers. (She was married once and had a different last name than the rest of the so called family.) I didn't want any part of the people who didn't want me. I was glad to rid myself of their name.
I asked grandma why she didn't even show up to her own daughters funeral. She explained that she didn't know she had passed and the tears I heard her cry sounded sincere. I had done some research and found grandma's number. I remember I had left a message. She told me that grandpa probably got the message and deleted it before she could hear it. She told me that if she would have known, she would have done everything she could to have been there. Truth or tale? I have no idea.
So I agreed to meet with her. We meet today, in about an hour and a half. I'm taking her to the cemetery. I will know some truth by the way she reacts.
Wish me luck!
Back to the family thing. So yeah, grandma called. Said that grandpa was the one keeping her from me. But I always say, no one can keep you from what you want except yourself. I really feel that if she wanted to find me she could have. Same with my sister and cousins and so on. I did have one cousin that I ran into a few years back...but she ignored me when I said hello. That's about the time I said fuck all of them. I had my Aunt Joan and that was all that mattered to me.
Aunt Joan was an amazing woman. Strong with a very clear, free mind. She marched with me at Pride festivals and stood up for me in front of government institutions. She was a strong fighter for women's rights and fair and equal treatment for all. She loved me unconditionally and lost all of her family when she took me in.
I was fifteen and alone on the streets of Ft. Lauderdale. She hunted for me for weeks before she found me. Honestly, I was hiding from her...I had originally thought that she was like the rest of my family and wanted to find me so she could beat the gay out of me. She snuck up on me when I was sleeping and cried as she held me, telling me how much she loved me and that I was going home with her.
There was a big court battle but Aunt Joan (who was a lawyer) won hands down. And that was the last time we saw any of our family. We tried to keep the family together but they didn't want anything to do with us. They would change their numbers, move, and my mother even took my siblings out of their schools. It was stupid and childish if you ask me. All because I was a lesbian.
So grandma says that it was grandpa's views that kept our family from us. She said that when mom called her to tell them that I was gay, grandpa told her to get rid of me. (And he didn't mean kick me out.) My dad's family was the same way. I was the huge disgrace to my family and didn't deserve to live. So, when Aunt Joan adopted me, she let me change my name to anything I wanted. I changed it to hers. (She was married once and had a different last name than the rest of the so called family.) I didn't want any part of the people who didn't want me. I was glad to rid myself of their name.
I asked grandma why she didn't even show up to her own daughters funeral. She explained that she didn't know she had passed and the tears I heard her cry sounded sincere. I had done some research and found grandma's number. I remember I had left a message. She told me that grandpa probably got the message and deleted it before she could hear it. She told me that if she would have known, she would have done everything she could to have been there. Truth or tale? I have no idea.
So I agreed to meet with her. We meet today, in about an hour and a half. I'm taking her to the cemetery. I will know some truth by the way she reacts.
Wish me luck!
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