Yeah, I'm back...so hide your chickens and cook the children. Ha ha.
I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty strong too. I had no idea how bad I was. Thank all of you...Starr, Bruiser, Walker, Peace, and Dimes...for helping me so much. For being there when I really needed you. For everything all of you have done. I love you all to death.
So, now I have to apologize for all the times I wouldn't listen to you guys. All those times I told you to fuck off. All the times I've hurt you all. You still stuck by me and tried to help. I am so sorry for all the hell I may have put any and all of you through. (Most of it I can't remember.)
I made a promise and I intend to keep it. I didn't realize how much I loved Ash until I almost lost her. I know now that I can't live without her. She saved my life.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tempted
First off, I haven't done anything yet.
Val has been driving me nuts since we got back from her parents. She has really been pushing me to move in with her. I'm not ready. Period.
So, I've noticed that we either skipped right to, uh what do they call it? Lesbian bed death, I think or Val thinks that if she doesn't sleep with me, that I'll give in and move in with her. Not going to happen.
But now I'm freaked. I have never...I mean never...cheated on any woman I have ever been with. Lately, I've been thinking about it. A lot. I feel a lecture from Starr coming on. But I have. And with each passing day, the thoughts get stronger.
So I talked to her. Told her that I was missing our intimacy. Told her that I really needed to feel that connection again. She said she was sorry. That she had been stressed and such.
Did we have sex? Nope. I can't even get her to make out with me.
Then I thought...maybe this is her way of trying to get rid of me. I am Walker. I walk away from all sticky situations. She knows my rep. But, I swore that I wasn't walking this time. I really like her.
I'm putting my foot down. If she wants me to stay, she has to show me in some way. Even a make out session would work. If she wants me to go, she has to tell me.
Maybe I'll just tell her about my feelings of cheating on her.
Hmm.
Val has been driving me nuts since we got back from her parents. She has really been pushing me to move in with her. I'm not ready. Period.
So, I've noticed that we either skipped right to, uh what do they call it? Lesbian bed death, I think or Val thinks that if she doesn't sleep with me, that I'll give in and move in with her. Not going to happen.
But now I'm freaked. I have never...I mean never...cheated on any woman I have ever been with. Lately, I've been thinking about it. A lot. I feel a lecture from Starr coming on. But I have. And with each passing day, the thoughts get stronger.
So I talked to her. Told her that I was missing our intimacy. Told her that I really needed to feel that connection again. She said she was sorry. That she had been stressed and such.
Did we have sex? Nope. I can't even get her to make out with me.
Then I thought...maybe this is her way of trying to get rid of me. I am Walker. I walk away from all sticky situations. She knows my rep. But, I swore that I wasn't walking this time. I really like her.
I'm putting my foot down. If she wants me to stay, she has to show me in some way. Even a make out session would work. If she wants me to go, she has to tell me.
Maybe I'll just tell her about my feelings of cheating on her.
Hmm.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Where the time goes
Candy is home! And she is looking better than ever. We are so proud of her and will continue to support her because we know it will be an ongoing struggle for her. She is happy to be back with Ash and they are planning to get married. We have never been happier for her.
Dimes took a road trip. Her heart couldn't beat without Laney. It feels strange to type that, and if you knew Dimes, you would know exactly why.
Bruiser has been going through some technical difficulties. I promised I would say no more about her situation. She promised to update as soon as she cleared her head.
Walker...she really needs to write in here. That's all I will say on that one.
Our lovely resident artist, Peace is going through a strange time. A time where her past and future is colliding at full speed and she's stuck in the middle. All I can tell her is to hold on. The turbulence will subside. She is having to deal with a lot of old demons and work through some fears but I think she is going to be just fine. Maggie was a great woman for stepping back and away. She did it very carefully to. (Peace is fragile to an extent.) And I recently met Kay. What a beautiful woman. Its sad, the way her parents treated her. And are still treating her for that matter. But she is very strong. I like her.
As for me...my break ended the day I spent from sun up until sun down on the beach. I did some soul surfing and found another story to tell. I've been writing so much that I've been losing all track of time and going for days without sleep. I know its not healthy but my muse is relentless.
Grandma has been hanging out with me from time to time. Its so strange that she is my flesh and blood and I barely know her. So much of our lives together were lost and will most likely never be fully recovered. But it is nice to have "family" again. No offense to my lesbian family that I love more than life.
I'll try to keep more updates. Walker, Bruiser, Peace...keep it flowing.
Dimes took a road trip. Her heart couldn't beat without Laney. It feels strange to type that, and if you knew Dimes, you would know exactly why.
Bruiser has been going through some technical difficulties. I promised I would say no more about her situation. She promised to update as soon as she cleared her head.
Walker...she really needs to write in here. That's all I will say on that one.
Our lovely resident artist, Peace is going through a strange time. A time where her past and future is colliding at full speed and she's stuck in the middle. All I can tell her is to hold on. The turbulence will subside. She is having to deal with a lot of old demons and work through some fears but I think she is going to be just fine. Maggie was a great woman for stepping back and away. She did it very carefully to. (Peace is fragile to an extent.) And I recently met Kay. What a beautiful woman. Its sad, the way her parents treated her. And are still treating her for that matter. But she is very strong. I like her.
As for me...my break ended the day I spent from sun up until sun down on the beach. I did some soul surfing and found another story to tell. I've been writing so much that I've been losing all track of time and going for days without sleep. I know its not healthy but my muse is relentless.
Grandma has been hanging out with me from time to time. Its so strange that she is my flesh and blood and I barely know her. So much of our lives together were lost and will most likely never be fully recovered. But it is nice to have "family" again. No offense to my lesbian family that I love more than life.
I'll try to keep more updates. Walker, Bruiser, Peace...keep it flowing.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
What just happen?
I went out with Kay last night. We were just going to hang out. You know...dinner, a walk, and then some talking. Well we did that. Then the conversation went back to the last night we had together.
And then she kissed me. I'm sure I don't have to tell you where it went after that.
The crazy part is...I'm confused on how I feel about what we did. Don't get me wrong, the sex was amazing but...I don't know. It was so different than what I expected. Granted, we are adults now and we both have had other experiences but it somehow threw me back. And I was afraid. Like her mother was going to walk in at any moment.
Like I was going to end up on the sidewalk, half naked and bleeding.
I couldn't relax. And she could tell.
She says that she would like us to have a second chance. And I feel like there is something wrong with me because I can't let go of that horrible scene with her mother and somehow, that is holding me back from being with her.
There is something wrong with me...isn't there.
And then she kissed me. I'm sure I don't have to tell you where it went after that.
The crazy part is...I'm confused on how I feel about what we did. Don't get me wrong, the sex was amazing but...I don't know. It was so different than what I expected. Granted, we are adults now and we both have had other experiences but it somehow threw me back. And I was afraid. Like her mother was going to walk in at any moment.
Like I was going to end up on the sidewalk, half naked and bleeding.
I couldn't relax. And she could tell.
She says that she would like us to have a second chance. And I feel like there is something wrong with me because I can't let go of that horrible scene with her mother and somehow, that is holding me back from being with her.
There is something wrong with me...isn't there.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Thunder rolls
Come one, come all! Its the greatest Circus of them all. That's right, freaks and frights. Its the Crazy Lesbian Circus and its creepy tonight!
Amber is my nightmare. I see her when I close my eyes. I see her when I'm pulling apart engines. I see her in my coffee. She is driving me nuts and she's still in the IDrinkTooMuchAndBeatOnThePeopleThatLoveMe House. I haven't accepted any of her calls since the one I wrote about and now she is haunting me.
I'm not kidding. I haven't slept a full night since that fucking phone call. When I close my eyes, she's in my face. Breathing down my neck. Calling me names. Balling up her fists. Swinging bottles.
This is the sad part. Its only a figment of my imagination and I still can't hit her back!
I'm fucked.
Amber is my nightmare. I see her when I close my eyes. I see her when I'm pulling apart engines. I see her in my coffee. She is driving me nuts and she's still in the IDrinkTooMuchAndBeatOnThePeopleThatLoveMe House. I haven't accepted any of her calls since the one I wrote about and now she is haunting me.
I'm not kidding. I haven't slept a full night since that fucking phone call. When I close my eyes, she's in my face. Breathing down my neck. Calling me names. Balling up her fists. Swinging bottles.
This is the sad part. Its only a figment of my imagination and I still can't hit her back!
I'm fucked.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Well...
On Maggie's assumption that me and Kay needed to see if there was still anything between us, I've been spending a lot of time with Kay.
She gave me the letters that she wrote to me that her school never sent. There were about twenty of them. I read them all and they made me cry. They brought back so many memories.
We had been friends for a long time before we figured out we had other feelings for each other. She was my first on many levels. We had so much fun together back then. We'd skip school and go on surfing adventures or spend the summer in our own imaginary world. She was always so creative in the imagination area and I was always able to bring her imagination to life through my drawings or photographs.
But we have changed. We've grown up and we've lost a lot of what made us "us" back then. Be it through the pain of our separation or the effort to move on.
Its like I knew something like this was going to happen. Like I predicted that my life would be turned upside down and hit reverse. I just wish I would have thought about it more.
Since Maggie made the decision for us to break up, I am making the decision to stay calm, cool, and relaxed about all of this. I will not run back to Maggie and I will not rush into anything with Kay. I'm just going to sit back and take a breather. Let things happen without any hope.
Well...?
She gave me the letters that she wrote to me that her school never sent. There were about twenty of them. I read them all and they made me cry. They brought back so many memories.
We had been friends for a long time before we figured out we had other feelings for each other. She was my first on many levels. We had so much fun together back then. We'd skip school and go on surfing adventures or spend the summer in our own imaginary world. She was always so creative in the imagination area and I was always able to bring her imagination to life through my drawings or photographs.
But we have changed. We've grown up and we've lost a lot of what made us "us" back then. Be it through the pain of our separation or the effort to move on.
Its like I knew something like this was going to happen. Like I predicted that my life would be turned upside down and hit reverse. I just wish I would have thought about it more.
Since Maggie made the decision for us to break up, I am making the decision to stay calm, cool, and relaxed about all of this. I will not run back to Maggie and I will not rush into anything with Kay. I'm just going to sit back and take a breather. Let things happen without any hope.
Well...?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
This love thing
Its official...this love thing sucks. Laney has only been gone nine days and I'm going crazy without her. I can't sleep. I can't think. I haven't even left my house. All I want to do is hear her voice. So I wait. I wait for her to call. And I play the saved messages I have of her over and over again.
It sucks.
So I think I'm going to take a road trip. Her band is going to be in Georgia, Tennessee, then North Carolina before they head west. I'm thinking I might just have to go see her.
Or maybe not....arrgggh! I don't fucking know.
It sucks.
So I think I'm going to take a road trip. Her band is going to be in Georgia, Tennessee, then North Carolina before they head west. I'm thinking I might just have to go see her.
Or maybe not....arrgggh! I don't fucking know.
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