Where do I start?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing. Ash isn't showing any signs of improvement and her parents are talking about letting her go.
I don't want to lose her. I don't. There was more to us than using drugs together. I love her. God! Please don't let me lose her.
I've made a promise to God. If he lets Ash live, I will never do drugs again. And with the help of my friends from the crazy lesbian circus...I've been clean for days now. I'm trying not to keep count. It makes me want them more.
At first, when I found Ash in the hospital and finally got to see her, all I wanted to do was join her. I went on a binge that would have killed an elephant. Somehow, I'm still here. Its like the motorcycle accident. God still doesn't want me yet.
Ash is so beautiful. Even with all the machines that are connected to her body. Her parents are being cool with me now. I'm not sure what you guys said to them, but thank you.
I spent all day with yesterday with Ash. I talked with her. I told her how much I love her and how much I want her to come home. I thought I felt her move her hand but I wasn't sure. I told the doctors but they said there was no way to tell if she did or not. I read her a book. Almost the entire book. I told her if she wanted to hear the ending, she had to wake up and come home with me. If you knew Ash, you'd know that doing that would piss her off. She'd want to know what happened. So I figured she might just wake up to slap me in the head and tell me to finish the damn thing. I hope and pray and beg for her to do that. I need her so much.
Starr has found a place that doesn't use drugs to get you off the drugs. I want to go but I don't want to leave Ash. So Starr found a natural doctor of sorts. They poke needles in you and other strange stuff. I know it sounds crazy but it has helped ease the pain. They gave me this lotion stuff that I put on my back, neck, knee's, elbow and other various painful parts of my body that seems to work decent. Starr says it will work if I believe it will work. I think she has a strange way of thinking but she has never steered me wrong before. I trust her with my life (even if I don't value it much).
Withdrawal is a bitch. It hurts worse than the actual pain at times. I haven't been hungry but if I do eat, it comes right back up. The chills suck and I've practically bit a hole through my lip. I'm nervous and paranoid and constantly tired but I can't sleep.
Its all worth it though. I figured that if God saw my effort to get clean that maybe she would put in a little effort to get my Ash back to me. It could be wishful thinking but its all I got right now. Ash is all I've got. Well, and my friends. My family sucks.
Oh well, I'm going to try to sleep now.
I've been staying with Starr. And the girls have been stopping by to check on me. Tonight, Walker is staying over. I asked her to sleep with me. No...not like that. Sometimes I get a little sleep if someone is holding me. I'm not sure why. Walker and Starr are the only ones that have been able to keep me calm enough to get a little sleep. I figured Starr might need a break, so I asked Walker. They are so great to me.
I love you all. Starr, Walker, Bruiser, Dimes, and Peace. I love you all to death. Thank you all for everything you've done and do for me. I owe you all.