phone calls

I spoke with Amber on my lunch break. She could only speak to me for five minutes. I guess it's the rules at the treatment center she is at. It was the most emotional five minutes of my life.
Amber would play it off like she didn't know what she did when she was drunk. Today she confessed that she remembered more than she admitted to in the past. She remembered most of the times I had to go to the hospital. It pissed me off. But it also confused me. It also made me sad...told you it was emotional.
Well, I guess today was apology day. She called me to tell me she was sorry for all the things she had done. She asked me if I would forgive her. I asked if I could think about it. I just don't think I'm ready to forgive her. Honestly, the bruise hasn't even faded from the last time we were together. It might not be a bruise you can see but its one that I feel.
I feel it every time I think about her. I feel it every time I close my eyes.
I've read the stories about people in abusive relationships. I admit, I was one of the blinded by love one's. Always thinking that she would realize how much I loved her and she would quit hitting. And yeah, I took her back every time. I want to believe that the alcohol was the problem, but I'm struggling to believe that now.
If she knew what she was doing to me, the alcohol wasn't really a factor, right? So who's to say that when she gets out, she will no longer be abusive toward me? There might be a chance but I'm afraid to take the chance. I love her with all my heart. I couldn't handle her breaking it again if she was to get out and nothing had changed.
I guess that's it...I'm afraid to trust her again. Is it right or wrong to feel this way? I have no idea. She's broken my bones, given me stitches, and left scars that will never be erased. I just...don't know.

But dammit to hell...I still fucking love her! What is wrong with me????
Starr, call me when you read this. I don't want to interrupt your day of relaxation.