What just happen?

I went out with Kay last night. We were just going to hang out. You know...dinner, a walk, and then some talking. Well we did that. Then the conversation went back to the last night we had together.
And then she kissed me. I'm sure I don't have to tell you where it went after that.
The crazy part is...I'm confused on how I feel about what we did. Don't get me wrong, the sex was amazing but...I don't know. It was so different than what I expected. Granted, we are adults now and we both have had other experiences but it somehow threw me back. And I was afraid. Like her mother was going to walk in at any moment.
Like I was going to end up on the sidewalk, half naked and bleeding.
I couldn't relax. And she could tell.
She says that she would like us to have a second chance. And I feel like there is something wrong with me because I can't let go of that horrible scene with her mother and somehow, that is holding me back from being with her.
There is something wrong with me...isn't there.

Thunder rolls

Come one, come all! Its the greatest Circus of them all. That's right, freaks and frights. Its the Crazy Lesbian Circus and its creepy tonight!
Amber is my nightmare. I see her when I close my eyes. I see her when I'm pulling apart engines. I see her in my coffee. She is driving me nuts and she's still in the IDrinkTooMuchAndBeatOnThePeopleThatLoveMe House. I haven't accepted any of her calls since the one I wrote about and now she is haunting me.
I'm not kidding. I haven't slept a full night since that fucking phone call. When I close my eyes, she's in my face. Breathing down my neck. Calling me names. Balling up her fists. Swinging bottles.
This is the sad part. Its only a figment of my imagination and I still can't hit her back!
I'm fucked.

Well...

On Maggie's assumption that me and Kay needed to see if there was still anything between us, I've been spending a lot of time with Kay.

She gave me the letters that she wrote to me that her school never sent. There were about twenty of them. I read them all and they made me cry. They brought back so many memories.

We had been friends for a long time before we figured out we had other feelings for each other. She was my first on many levels. We had so much fun together back then. We'd skip school and go on surfing adventures or spend the summer in our own imaginary world. She was always so creative in the imagination area and I was always able to bring her imagination to life through my drawings or photographs.

But we have changed. We've grown up and we've lost a lot of what made us "us" back then. Be it through the pain of our separation or the effort to move on.
Its like I knew something like this was going to happen. Like I predicted that my life would be turned upside down and hit reverse. I just wish I would have thought about it more.
Since Maggie made the decision for us to break up, I am making the decision to stay calm, cool, and relaxed about all of this. I will not run back to Maggie and I will not rush into anything with Kay. I'm just going to sit back and take a breather. Let things happen without any hope.
Well...?

This love thing

Its official...this love thing sucks. Laney has only been gone nine days and I'm going crazy without her. I can't sleep. I can't think. I haven't even left my house. All I want to do is hear her voice. So I wait. I wait for her to call. And I play the saved messages I have of her over and over again.
It sucks.
So I think I'm going to take a road trip. Her band is going to be in Georgia, Tennessee, then North Carolina before they head west. I'm thinking I might just have to go see her.
Or maybe not....arrgggh! I don't fucking know.