Questions?

Sometimes it seems when you are looking for an answer, all you get is more questions.
Starr asked me if I loved Maggie. Honestly, I don't think so. Being with her is new and exciting. Making love with her is amazing, but...I really do not think that I'm in love with her. She is a great woman, don't get me wrong. She has helped me crawl out of the shell I used to call life. She helped me build my confidence and I am forever grateful to her.
But...
When I saw Kay in the music store, my heart skipped a beat. Everything that I had ever felt for her washed over me and flooded my senses. I remembered what it felt like to love her. I remembered all the emotions I felt when we made love. Pure and innocent and fulfilling.
I went to dinner with her and yes, I did tell Maggie what I was doing. She deserves honesty and I didn't want to feel like I was sneaking around or something. I told Kay what happened to me after the cops took me away. She cried and apologized. Then she told me what happened to her. Her parents, after trying to beat the dyke out of her, sent her off to a private school in New York. By the time she got up enough money to call me, we had already changed our number. (We had to change our number because of Kay's mother. She would call at all hours of the night, threatening me and my family. Long story...) She wrote me letters but later found out that none of them were ever sent. They gave her the box when she graduated.
She said she had been here looking for me for six months. Chance, fate, whatever you want to call it, brought her into the music store that day.
Starr asked me if I still loved Kay. I do, but I don't know if its the same. And as I left Kay that night after drinks, she told me that she never stopped loving me. The words made my heart ache. But I told her the truth, I had never stopped loving her either. As for going to back to what we had, I explained that I didn't know if we could. We made promises of keeping in touch and left it at that.
I woke up this morning, alone, with a million riddles floating around in my head. More questions about the questions. Today, confusion will be my only friend. I'll be at the beach...with no phone...if anyone wants to join me...

Continued...

On to Bruiser.
I was once a believer that love could conquer all. Not much so anymore. In Bruisers situation, I'm not sure it would be the best advice to give her...going back to Amber. The details that she gave us all in person (too much to put in here) were very violent.
Maybe, just maybe, Amber is getting the proper treatment for her alcohol addiction. That doesn't mean that her drinking was the reason for her abusive behavior. I'm not completely discrediting it. Alcohol does effect everyone differently and people have been documented losing complete control of knowing what was right or wrong, but...she knew what she was doing. When she sobered up, she saw what she did to Bruiser. Whether she knew she was doing it at the time or not...we will never know for sure. We have to believe her words. I personally will never be able to believe a word that woman says. Help or no help, she could have stopped her abusive actions years ago.
Love should have been enough to get her to get help...in my eyes. But it took way to long, so I recommended that Bruiser stay clear of her.
Its true, people change but I love Bruiser and I couldn't handle watching her have to go through the heartache of losing Amber again if she didn't change. I want Bruiser to be happy and uninjured.
I know she will do what her heart tells her too. Bruiser has a very good head on her shoulders. I will still love her if she goes back to Amber but I will be watching like a hawk. If I see one unexplained bruise or scratch, I will have to do something. Or at least say something. I know that what goes on between them is none of my business, but, being the ring leader, Bruiser will come to me anyway. And if anything goes wrong, I will be there.

Phone Calls

Looks like things are starting to get back to normal. My life of solitude is never lonely, that's for sure. I'm glad the girls write in here before they call me. Because when I do get their phone call, I know that they have already thought whatever they might be troubled by, in a dilemma about, through.
Take Peace. She's got a good one. What do you do when the one person that you actually loved and had been missing for years, walks back into your life? Obviously, that wouldn't happen in my situation. But I had to put myself in her shoes. She has Maggie. A very patient and understanding woman who is clearly really into her. Then she has Kay. The one girl she was in love with. It wasn't their fault that they were ripped apart like that. It wasn't their fault that Kay was sent away. And now, Kay is grown up and can make her own decisions. And she still loves Peace. What do you do?
I told Peace that she needed to search her heart. That only she knew what was right for her. I gave her some questions to think about. Did she still love Kay? Did she love Maggie? How did it make her feel to run into Kay after all the years had gone by? Peace cried for a while. This situation is really tearing her up. Understandable.
Dimes, on the other hand, is experiencing something that many people spend their entire lives chasing. Love. I explained to her that, love for the first time, would be the most amazing experience but could also be the most painful experience. I told her to take her time and really feel the full effects of every emotion. That there was nothing to be afraid of because if she loved and lived happily ever after or loved and lost, it would still be the most amazing experience, despite the pain.
Of course this wasn't all I told them but its the gist of it all.
Bruiser is another story all together...but one that I will have to write about when I get back from my errands. Until then...

Heart Beat

So I have never been in love before. Like I said before, I have never even let myself get close to it. I can't really say that I'm afraid of it. It's just that...well, I just never believed in it. Until recently, I never even thought about it. For me at least.
Sure, Starr had love with Skylar. But, honestly it sounded like a fairytale. And really, it was. But it was also a tragedy because in the end, she lost it. And now that I've had a glimpse of it, I don't want that kind of outcome.
So these feelings that are so foreign to me. So very unbelievable. So uncontrollable. Starr says they are love. And now I'm scared.
Laney leaves January 2nd to go on tour for four months. Four months without her sounds like forever to me. When I think about it too long, I feel weak and sick.
How the hell did this happen? I'm Dimes...I don't do love. Love and play don't mix. At least they didn't...before I met Laney. I'm so confused!
The way I see it, I have two choices. Let myself completely fall for her or pull a Walker and walk away now before I get too deep.
Any suggestions?

She's coming home!

News just in....Ash is being released from the hospital!

She will be staying with her parents until I get out of rehab. I'm doing it. No backing out this time. Ash wants me to get clean and most of all, I want to. It's been rough being clean for this long but I think I have made it through the worst of it all. At least I hope I have.

It's a brand new day ladies and lesbians!

And the happiest day of my life...I love you Ash!

OMG!

Girls! You are not going to believe what happened to me today! I can't even believe it myself.
I had the day off, so I was out Christmas shopping for Maggie. I have been hunting for this CD for her ever since she told me about it. Anyway, I went into Scales and I was searching through the racks. Someone walked up behind me and whispered my name. I swear...at first I thought it was Dimes. You know how she does that seductive like whisper thing.
Anyhow, I turn around really expecting Dimes and Laney to be behind me...I was smiling. Dimes can make anyone smile by whispering their name. But it wasn't Dimes.
I stared for a minute. My jaw hit the floor. I couldn't stop the shakes that waved across my body and before I knew it, my eyes were filled with tears.
It was Kay! Kay, the girl I was in love with forever. The girl I got caught in bed with. Kay and I couldn't fucking believe it. She threw her arms around me and cried on my shoulder. Telling me how she had been looking for me ever since she got back. (Her parents sent her away after they caught us.) OMG! Kay!
She wants to take me out to dinner tonight. What the hell do I do?
I have no idea how Maggie would react if I told her that Kay walked back into my life. She knows the story. Its not like I expect anything to still be between me and Kay, but I don't know if Maggie would understand that. I don't know what Kay expects either.
Hell, I don't even know what the hell is in my head. I'm confused and excited and sad and all kinds of shit.
I'm calling you, Starr. Help!

phone calls

I spoke with Amber on my lunch break. She could only speak to me for five minutes. I guess it's the rules at the treatment center she is at. It was the most emotional five minutes of my life.
Amber would play it off like she didn't know what she did when she was drunk. Today she confessed that she remembered more than she admitted to in the past. She remembered most of the times I had to go to the hospital. It pissed me off. But it also confused me. It also made me sad...told you it was emotional.
Well, I guess today was apology day. She called me to tell me she was sorry for all the things she had done. She asked me if I would forgive her. I asked if I could think about it. I just don't think I'm ready to forgive her. Honestly, the bruise hasn't even faded from the last time we were together. It might not be a bruise you can see but its one that I feel.
I feel it every time I think about her. I feel it every time I close my eyes.
I've read the stories about people in abusive relationships. I admit, I was one of the blinded by love one's. Always thinking that she would realize how much I loved her and she would quit hitting. And yeah, I took her back every time. I want to believe that the alcohol was the problem, but I'm struggling to believe that now.
If she knew what she was doing to me, the alcohol wasn't really a factor, right? So who's to say that when she gets out, she will no longer be abusive toward me? There might be a chance but I'm afraid to take the chance. I love her with all my heart. I couldn't handle her breaking it again if she was to get out and nothing had changed.
I guess that's it...I'm afraid to trust her again. Is it right or wrong to feel this way? I have no idea. She's broken my bones, given me stitches, and left scars that will never be erased. I just...don't know.

But dammit to hell...I still fucking love her! What is wrong with me????
Starr, call me when you read this. I don't want to interrupt your day of relaxation.