Wrap up

The Christmas night parties were completely outrageous. Put it this way...there are still people here trying to sober up. (Well, from last nights party and tonights party is about to start. Hey, its a tradition!) We all missed Candy, but she is where she needs to be right now.
I won't say exactly where, but I do live on the beach. And in my back yard there are sand dunes (kind of) before you get to the ocean. The funniest part of the night was when we all tried to snow board the sand dunes. If I remember correctly, Walker actually made it all the way down. At least I think it was Walker. Christmas in Florida...we made the best of it.
I talked with my grandmother for the first time in maybe fifteen years. She called me out of the blue. At first I thought that someone was trying to fool me into thinking it was her. (I had already started drinking *shrug*.) But it was really her.
We talked for over an hour. I sobered up real quick. She says she wants to be back in my life. Her and my parents disowned me when they found out I was a lesbian. Actually, all of my family disowned me and they did the same to the Aunt who took me in.
And when my Aunt died, not one of them showed up to her funeral. They didn't even send a card nor return my calls to acknowledge my sadness. They were downright rude and cold.
So when she asked if she could be in my life, I first said no! Hell no! (I was drunk, mind you.) I asked her why now? After all these years, why does she want to be a part of my life? She said that she never wanted to not be a part of my life. She said that grandpa wouldn't let her reach out to me. And that's when she told me that he died...six months ago. And she had been trying to find me ever since.
I also found out that I'm an aunt. My youngest brother has two boys and my sister has three girls. I can't really blame my brother. He was so young when I left and I knew he didn't understand what was happening. But my sister was older than me by a year. If she wanted to, she could have found me as soon as she left the grip of my parents.
So there is really a lot to write about this conversation. I'll save it for later. Tonight is part three of the Christmas party and the guests are arriving. But I will explain...hopefully when my head isn't so scattered.
Hope everyone had a great Christmas!

Wasting time

You know, I was thinking (yes I do think) about how this time of year can be great for most or horrid for some. Great for those who will be able to spend the holidays with loved they haven't seen all year. Or maybe even great because you finally get that day or two off that you have been needing since the holiday rush started. Whatever the reason, its great for those people.
But the ones who, I don't know, may have recently lost a loved one. Or have bad memories of Christmas. Or have no other reason than that you just hate the commercialization of the holiday. Such a bad, bad day for you.
For me...I can't really say that I hate it or love it. I guess I'm somewhere in between. Honestly, I haven't really celebrated Christmas since my aunt died. Not like I used to at least. She was my closest relative and the one who took me in after my parents threw me out. She really loved the day. We would spend hours decorating the house, inside and out. Complete with eggnog and cookies and Christmas music blaring throughout the house. She really knew the meaning of Christmas and she did her best to spread the word to everyone she could. I once asked her why she loved the holiday so much and she told me that it was because, "Christmas is the one day out of the entire year that most people show each other how much they care. Even if its a stranger in the street. Everyone seems to have a little bit more compassion. Not to mention, its a great day to just hang out with friends and get drunk."
She was funny like that. And I miss her so much sometimes. And even though she isn't with us any longer, I still celebrate the day. I spend the day with my friends that I consider my family. I show a little extra compassion to strangers and get drunk with my friends. And at the end of the day, I raise my glass to her and thank her for all the great Christmas days we spent together.

Hmmm...

Val has invited me to go with her to visit her parents for Christmas eve. I have never met them before. From what Val has told me, they are cool with her being a lesbian. When I asked how cool, she shrugged.
I would hate to get up there (its a three hour drive) and they torture me for dating their daughter. You know how some parents are...they act like they are all cool with you in front of their kid then when they get you alone, they rip you apart, limb by limb, and tell you in a not so direct way that you are not good enough for their daughter because you have the wrong anatomy or some shit like that.
Hmmm...
I'm going though. Val has a very persuasive tongue. Hey...I never said I wasn't easy. Ha.
So gals, I will see you all on Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you all. I love you's!

What I really want

I'm really liking this love thing. Its made me want to open myself up completely.
I took Laney out last night. On a real date. My first real date. We went down to the lighthouse after a romantic like dinner. And then we walked the beach. I had no idea I could even be romantic. Then...I brought her back to my place and she stayed the night with me. Other than the Crazy Lesbian Circus girls, she the only other woman that has ever spent the night here.
I think I might just go crazy when she heads out on tour.
It sounds and feel strange, but I swear I miss her already.

Way I see it

I know love makes you blind. I know that the love I have for Amber blinded me beyond knowing right and wrong. I let her abuse go on for so long that I let her excuses cloud my judgement. Judgement on everything and my opinion on even more.
I went to see her today. Seeing her clean and sober reminded me of why I fell in love with her in the first place. She seemed so calm and collected. Like she used to be before she started drinking heavy. She believes the root of her drinking problem was her job. She works in the corporate jungle and from what I've heard, it can be pretty brutal. But still...was that the root of her violence? Maybe I don't understand the corp stuff because I'm just a mechanic but I really do not believe that her job caused the abuse.
She tried to convince me that it was the alcohol that caused all that. I want to believe her but...I'm afraid. Not afraid of the cuts and bruises, but of her breaking my heart again. Honestly, sometimes the words hurt worse than her fists ever did.
For the first time in my life, I'm admitting that I cried. I cried the moment I walked out of the center. I cried because I love her so much and want, more than anything, to be with her. To grow old with her. I cried because I really don't think I have it in me to give her another chance.
She told me that they were making her take anger management classes in there. I guess we will see how she is when she gets out.
I told her that I couldn't be her girlfriend but we could see about being friends. I couldn't believe I said that and it broke my heart to watch her cry from my words. But I really don't know what else to do.