Amber...is a pain in my ass. I'm glad that she's out of her so called rehab and is done with her anger management stuff but I've tried every nice way I could think of to get her to leave me alone. She doesn't seem to understand that I need time.
Time for myself for a change. No, I'm not out screwing every girl I meet or anything like that. I just need space to think about...things. Like if I still love her. If I still want to be with her. Things.
I really hate to say this because I used to think it was so pathetic to say....but I know I love her, I just don't know if I'm still in love with her. Yeah, in love with her. She was a big part of my life for a very long time and, even though she was violent towards me, I know I still love her. But its not the same...everything has changed.
Starr says that everything happens for a reason. So, I've been looking for the reason that after all these years of me begging, she finally gets help when I'm at the point of wanting nothing to do with her anymore.
Is the reason because I'm supposed to get back with her? Or is it because I needed to leave her to save her life? Or to fix her for the next woman that came a long?
Maybe I'm just over thinking everything.
Starr told me to just listen my heart. I told her that I listened to my heart for years and look where it got me.
I know its strange, but all of this makes me feel so damn weak. I feel useless. She broke my heart over and over again every single time she hit me. And I always ended up back in her bed believing her lies of changing. How do I know this isn't another one of her lies? How? My heart isn't talking to me anymore. So, honestly, I have no idea what it says.
This fucking sucks!
Monday, February 9, 2009
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