Peaceful

I really can't believe its been so long since I lasted posted. I think we all got caught up in our lives and it seemed so much easier to just call Starr, our Guru of sorts, when things got crazy. And things did get crazy.

Dimes surprised us all. And Candy is so squeaky clean. And Walker didn't walk. And Bruiser stood her ground. And Starr, well, she held us all together through everything. And now...Speed is back, at least online and the only one missing is Jinx. And of course, J, Speeds girl. Now that we have Speed, aka surfxracer, writing her own blog, I'm sure we will all start writing in here again. It helps us feel connected.

I think I left off with the first night that me and Kay slept together after finding each other again. I remember I was uncomfortable and just couldn't relax. It was kind of weird after that. Though I talked with Kay on the phone a lot, I didn't see her again until about two weeks later. I needed to think so I spent a ton of time at the ocean. The best place to think.

I had this internal struggle going on...half of me wanted to be with her and the other half was scared to death. And the scared part was telling me to run as fast as I could. I was torn, so torn.

But then, it hit me like a shovel in the cartoons and this huge knot formed on top of my head that ended up being the best logic I had come up with through it all. We never really had our chance. It was ripped away from us right in the middle of its blossoming beauty. There was no way to get around it...I loved her. And when I saw her again, I realized that I was still in love with her.

As much as the pain and confusion of the past clouded me, she went through it too. She felt it all too. If I didn't let us have this chance to finally see what we could have become, I would have cheated her too.

We talked about it all. We cried and shared the pain of that night together for the first time. And pain it was. Even talking about made my face sting like her mom had hit me again. But that was nothing compared to what both her parents did to her.

Now, we are together and honestly, I have never been so happy in all my life. And things, things that we shared before, they all came back. We've dealt with the bad and revived the good.

I always knew she was the love of my life.

Bruiser

We gotta keep Speed up to speed, haha.

Things got pretty crazy for a while with Amber. She, well...for a while I really thought that she was beyond help. She was stalking me and shit. But, after extensive, uh, whatever a shrink does to you, she finally calmed down.

We have been talking but I don't see us getting back together anytime soon.

Really, surfxracer, you are missing some great surf down here. We're doing dawn patrol at the inlet tomorrow. Wish you were here...

My turn to update

Since Speed asked, here's the update. No, I'm no longer with Val. She said she wanted more and broke up with me not too long ago. I'm okay. We are still friends, sort of. Its awkward but what in life and love isn't at times.
I didn't love her and I think she knew it.
So now, I'm enjoying the single life...again.

As far as the rest of the crew, I will let them update this thing. There has been some exciting new changes that I think they should tell.

Speed, I'm so glad that you signed up for this blogger thing. Reading what you write kind of makes me feel a little closer to you. We do miss you.

Speed is back!

A little while back, I think I wrote about another member of the Crazy Lesbian Circus that was going to contribute here. She still might contribute, but our friend Speed aka surfxracer has her own blog now.
She is an original member so if we still have any readers left, check her out. She is a very talented writer, and amazing artist, and a phenomenal musician. Hey, and we share a name. Even though I still claim its mine...ha ha.

And the clock starts now...

Amber...is a pain in my ass. I'm glad that she's out of her so called rehab and is done with her anger management stuff but I've tried every nice way I could think of to get her to leave me alone. She doesn't seem to understand that I need time.
Time for myself for a change. No, I'm not out screwing every girl I meet or anything like that. I just need space to think about...things. Like if I still love her. If I still want to be with her. Things.
I really hate to say this because I used to think it was so pathetic to say....but I know I love her, I just don't know if I'm still in love with her. Yeah, in love with her. She was a big part of my life for a very long time and, even though she was violent towards me, I know I still love her. But its not the same...everything has changed.
Starr says that everything happens for a reason. So, I've been looking for the reason that after all these years of me begging, she finally gets help when I'm at the point of wanting nothing to do with her anymore.
Is the reason because I'm supposed to get back with her? Or is it because I needed to leave her to save her life? Or to fix her for the next woman that came a long?
Maybe I'm just over thinking everything.
Starr told me to just listen my heart. I told her that I listened to my heart for years and look where it got me.
I know its strange, but all of this makes me feel so damn weak. I feel useless. She broke my heart over and over again every single time she hit me. And I always ended up back in her bed believing her lies of changing. How do I know this isn't another one of her lies? How? My heart isn't talking to me anymore. So, honestly, I have no idea what it says.
This fucking sucks!

I think she knows

I think Val is on to me. No matter which way I look at it, I still don't love her. I hate to say it, but she is not enough. Together we are not enough. I hate feeling like there's something missing. I hate needing so much more than what we have. She is such a great woman but...
She asked me to move in with her again and again I told her no. When she asked me why, I told her the truth. I just don't feel like we have made it to that part of our relationship.
Starr, I swear I'm not walking but what do I do when there is nothing there? I can't force myself to feel something for her. I care and enjoy being with her but there isn't much else there. I think that I have given this plenty of time to become something more. I'm not asking your permission to leave her, I just want you to tell me that I've done all I can. My reputation isn't the best in these serious relationships and I'm somewhat confused.
Call me tomorrow, Starr, if I don't call you first.
I miss everybody! Where have you all been?

I'm back

Yeah, I'm back...so hide your chickens and cook the children. Ha ha.
I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty strong too. I had no idea how bad I was. Thank all of you...Starr, Bruiser, Walker, Peace, and Dimes...for helping me so much. For being there when I really needed you. For everything all of you have done. I love you all to death.

So, now I have to apologize for all the times I wouldn't listen to you guys. All those times I told you to fuck off. All the times I've hurt you all. You still stuck by me and tried to help. I am so sorry for all the hell I may have put any and all of you through. (Most of it I can't remember.)

I made a promise and I intend to keep it. I didn't realize how much I loved Ash until I almost lost her. I know now that I can't live without her. She saved my life.