What just happen?

I went out with Kay last night. We were just going to hang out. You know...dinner, a walk, and then some talking. Well we did that. Then the conversation went back to the last night we had together.
And then she kissed me. I'm sure I don't have to tell you where it went after that.
The crazy part is...I'm confused on how I feel about what we did. Don't get me wrong, the sex was amazing but...I don't know. It was so different than what I expected. Granted, we are adults now and we both have had other experiences but it somehow threw me back. And I was afraid. Like her mother was going to walk in at any moment.
Like I was going to end up on the sidewalk, half naked and bleeding.
I couldn't relax. And she could tell.
She says that she would like us to have a second chance. And I feel like there is something wrong with me because I can't let go of that horrible scene with her mother and somehow, that is holding me back from being with her.
There is something wrong with me...isn't there.

Thunder rolls

Come one, come all! Its the greatest Circus of them all. That's right, freaks and frights. Its the Crazy Lesbian Circus and its creepy tonight!
Amber is my nightmare. I see her when I close my eyes. I see her when I'm pulling apart engines. I see her in my coffee. She is driving me nuts and she's still in the IDrinkTooMuchAndBeatOnThePeopleThatLoveMe House. I haven't accepted any of her calls since the one I wrote about and now she is haunting me.
I'm not kidding. I haven't slept a full night since that fucking phone call. When I close my eyes, she's in my face. Breathing down my neck. Calling me names. Balling up her fists. Swinging bottles.
This is the sad part. Its only a figment of my imagination and I still can't hit her back!
I'm fucked.

Well...

On Maggie's assumption that me and Kay needed to see if there was still anything between us, I've been spending a lot of time with Kay.

She gave me the letters that she wrote to me that her school never sent. There were about twenty of them. I read them all and they made me cry. They brought back so many memories.

We had been friends for a long time before we figured out we had other feelings for each other. She was my first on many levels. We had so much fun together back then. We'd skip school and go on surfing adventures or spend the summer in our own imaginary world. She was always so creative in the imagination area and I was always able to bring her imagination to life through my drawings or photographs.

But we have changed. We've grown up and we've lost a lot of what made us "us" back then. Be it through the pain of our separation or the effort to move on.
Its like I knew something like this was going to happen. Like I predicted that my life would be turned upside down and hit reverse. I just wish I would have thought about it more.
Since Maggie made the decision for us to break up, I am making the decision to stay calm, cool, and relaxed about all of this. I will not run back to Maggie and I will not rush into anything with Kay. I'm just going to sit back and take a breather. Let things happen without any hope.
Well...?

This love thing

Its official...this love thing sucks. Laney has only been gone nine days and I'm going crazy without her. I can't sleep. I can't think. I haven't even left my house. All I want to do is hear her voice. So I wait. I wait for her to call. And I play the saved messages I have of her over and over again.
It sucks.
So I think I'm going to take a road trip. Her band is going to be in Georgia, Tennessee, then North Carolina before they head west. I'm thinking I might just have to go see her.
Or maybe not....arrgggh! I don't fucking know.

Update on Candy

Candy has been...well, she's getting better. If I'm not mistaken, she gets out in six days. Ash has been filling me in here and there, when she hears something.
As her group of friends, all of us Crazy Lesbian Circus girls went to see a counselor at the facility she's in. It was the doctors request. None of us objected.
It was kind of cool. They told us the do's and don'ts of how to be when Candy gets out. Success of recovery depends on the support around her and I think I can speak for all the Circus girls when I say that we want her to stay clean. We want her and Ash to have a long, healthy, and clean life together.
I think that Candy finally realized that she had something to live for. So maybe her family is worthless...but us, we are her real family. We are the one's who stood by her throughout everything she's done these past few years and not one of us ever asked for anything in return.
And Ash...who knew that they loved each other so much.
Ash was at the meeting with us. She said that she was doing the drugs to try to get closer to Candy. That she thought that if she was doing what Candy was doing, then Candy would stop going to all the drug houses and disappearing for days and instead, stay home with her to get high. It backfired and Ash got addicted and she started doing the same this Candy was doing. Staying out for days in places she could have been killed.
Anyway, we are trying to come up with a new name for Candy. One that has no reference to drugs. She will no longer be the Circus Junkie and we don't want anything to trigger her back into that life.
We are taking suggestions, so feel free to comment on this.

Meet the parents

So yeah, I met the parents Christmas eve. They were...hmm.
They were kind of cool I guess. I think Val's dad is an amateur comedian. And some of the conversations I heard...crazy.
Her grandma was like...lets just say I thought I was caught in a scene from that movie "The Nutty Professor". You know, when the grandma is talking about relations. Val was embarrassed beyond belief and I still haven't stopped teasing her about it. If you could have seen her face when her grandmother starting talking about sexual positions...ha ha.
Her mom pulled me aside several times. Her questions were kind of mad. They were personal and things that I wouldn't share with anyone (except Starr maybe).
One of the one's that made me the maddest was when she asked me if I was in love with her daughter. Why would I tell her that if I haven't even said those words to her daughter? I told her that I didn't know yet, but when I did know, Val would be the first to know. She was kind of snotty to me for the rest of the night. Oh well.
Her dad and brothers were cool.
All in all, it was an okay trip. We got back early Christmas morning. Thank God because, if the girls haven't mentioned it yet, Starr's parties were fucking out of this world. I'm so glad that I didn't miss them. I so love her house.
Just so you know...the New Years party at the Bruisers was damn good too.

She said its over

Maggie...broke up with me last night. She said its because I need to figure things out.
Figure what out you ask? Good question.
She claims that I am still in love with Kay. Then I said something that was pretty stupid on my part. In my defense, I was pretty emotionally fucked up at the time. I thought me and Maggie had a great relationship going.
Anyway, the stupid thing I said was...So what if I'm in love with her, I'm with you.
As soon as the last word exited my throat, I wanted to swallow my foot. That was cold and uncaring of me to say.
And honestly, I don't know if I love Kay. I did at one time. But it was such a short lived romance that was ripped away from both of us by monster parents. Hers not mine.
She's as beautiful as I remembered her. Uhg...listen to me. Maybe Maggie's right and I'm just too slow to realize it.
Oh well, I'm crashing from my sugar rush now. I think I'm gonna be sick.