Fly or fall?

Yeah, our sober Easter was pretty cool.

Candy and Ash have never seemed more alive and happy than they did that day.
And to watch Dimes and Laney together...its mind boggling. Who would have ever thought that Dimes would meet her match?

And Starr's new "friend" is pretty cool too. Even Walker had some girl with her that was pretty cool.

But me...

I know I have been acting like I'm all good and happy and shit, but in reality...I'm hating life at the moment. I'm at the point where I don't even want to wake up for work. And you all know how much I love my job. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't shake it. I think Speed said it best in her myspace blog. (Stolen with permission...because she loves me)

Its like you are watching from a window that is too high to make out the details but you think if you could just reach out, you might be able to touch something that could be there in some alter reality that is silently calling your name and begging you to wake up and smile or something because it might mean something like that there is hope for a new beginning that is waiting just around the corner but you're lost because someone forgot to give you the map and all the roads look so damn foreign and empty or maybe too full and nothing looks right so you stay in the window and watch the blurs below as they interact with each other and you wonder if they are happy and maybe talking about how to get you to jump out of the window and spread your wings because they all know you can fly but you're not so certain that the wings are strong enough to keep you from hitting the ground so hard that you won't wake up and tomorrow will fade into nothing and you'll realize that maybe you shouldn't have jumped because it was all wrong in the first place or maybe too right and the wind is blowing so hard that it stings your face and the opening in the window is getting bigger and bigger but the blurs confuse you like maybe they are trying to trick you into believing that this is the way its supposed to be and you try to shake it off like its a leech sucking at your jugular but leaving just enough blood for you to survive but when its all said and done...you still have a choice...jump and fly or jump and fall or stay right where you are at and hope that its not as miserable as its leading to be.

At the end of this blog she says, "I say jump, MOTHERFUCKER! You'll never fly if you don't try!" And I'm there, standing on that edge, contemplating the fall but feeling brave enough to try. I'm not scared but I am hesitant. And that little bit of hesitation is what is driving me nuts.