Ghost of my Heart

Bruiser is right. My new "friend" is pretty cool.

This might sound weird, but she reminds me of Skylar. Not in a depressing, borderline suicidal type way. Trin is nothing like that. But more like in a passionate fun type of way. Its hard to explain, you would really had to have known Skylar to really get it and the only one who knew her is Speed.

The Circus Ladies seemed to like her too.

Maybe there is something there.

For the first time since Skylar, I've been considering a relationship. And on Speeds advice (yes, even the ring leader needs advice sometimes) I went down to her grave. Crazy or not, I talked to her. It hurt, I was sad, but I said all things I had always wanted to say but was too afraid to. I felt better, I felt worse, and for some reason, I felt scared.

I was scared that if I really let her go, that I would lose the last little piece of her. That piece of her heart that I keep locked in mine. Scared that the memories of our lives together would fade away to a whisper. Those memories are what keep me striving to live another day. Most of all, I was scared that I wouldn't feel her love anymore. And I need that.

Trin isn't pushing for anything right now, which I am relieved. No one is pushing me and I'm thankful for that.

It all makes me think of Bruiser's post. And the words that Speed had written in her other blog. I might not be standing in the window watching it all. Instead, I'm in the middle of the chaos and living my life to the fullest. But I think we all come to a point in our lives, I'm sure more than once, to where we have to walk out on a limb. To where we have to have faith in our abilities to create the world we live in. Where we have to believe that we can alter our universe and still be ourselves. Maybe its a small push or a pull. Maybe its a compromise or a standing firm. It could just be as simple as taking one small step to the left or right.

I think we all know if we are ready to fly or not. And just the fact that Bruiser is even considering, proves it. Because, otherwise, how would she know its possible at all?
She knows, just like I know. But I'm not telling.