I can't believe we all have been neglecting this thing. Honestly, every time I sign in, I read Speed's blog and then forget to write. I love the way she writes. And the way she tells the story of her life...man, I wish I could write like that.
Okay, life is good. Val and I haven't gotten back together and we most likely won't but she insists that we stay friends. I've been trying to distance myself from her as much as I can. She's beginning to get a little stalkerish. If that's a word?
It's actually getting scary. I've been out on a few dates since we split. Like the other night, I was at a cool bar at five points having a drink with a girl I had known from work. You know how you get that feeling that you are being watched? Well, I started looking around and there she was. A couple of tables over, with her eyes glued on my back. And it wasn't the first time either.
Maybe I should have Bruiser have a talk with her...lol.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Reason
I think that if I knew that love was going to be like this, I would have tried it a long time ago. I know what Starr would say...everything happens for a reason.
Love is crazy cool. Laney is out of this fucking world. She's moving in this weekend. Yeah, we took that step. I can't help it, I want to be near her all the time. She practically lives here already anyway so why not make it permanent.
Her and her band have been recording in Miami. Supposedly, its the same studio where Aerosmith recorded. I thought that was pretty cool. It sucks to know that they will most likely start touring after the album is released and I will miss her so much. But this is her dream and I will support her no matter what she does. Hey, doesn't mean I can't still surprise her on the road, right?
Well, that's my update. Has anyone heard from Peace?
Love is crazy cool. Laney is out of this fucking world. She's moving in this weekend. Yeah, we took that step. I can't help it, I want to be near her all the time. She practically lives here already anyway so why not make it permanent.
Her and her band have been recording in Miami. Supposedly, its the same studio where Aerosmith recorded. I thought that was pretty cool. It sucks to know that they will most likely start touring after the album is released and I will miss her so much. But this is her dream and I will support her no matter what she does. Hey, doesn't mean I can't still surprise her on the road, right?
Well, that's my update. Has anyone heard from Peace?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Ghost of my Heart
Bruiser is right. My new "friend" is pretty cool.
This might sound weird, but she reminds me of Skylar. Not in a depressing, borderline suicidal type way. Trin is nothing like that. But more like in a passionate fun type of way. Its hard to explain, you would really had to have known Skylar to really get it and the only one who knew her is Speed.
The Circus Ladies seemed to like her too.
Maybe there is something there.
For the first time since Skylar, I've been considering a relationship. And on Speeds advice (yes, even the ring leader needs advice sometimes) I went down to her grave. Crazy or not, I talked to her. It hurt, I was sad, but I said all things I had always wanted to say but was too afraid to. I felt better, I felt worse, and for some reason, I felt scared.
I was scared that if I really let her go, that I would lose the last little piece of her. That piece of her heart that I keep locked in mine. Scared that the memories of our lives together would fade away to a whisper. Those memories are what keep me striving to live another day. Most of all, I was scared that I wouldn't feel her love anymore. And I need that.
Trin isn't pushing for anything right now, which I am relieved. No one is pushing me and I'm thankful for that.
It all makes me think of Bruiser's post. And the words that Speed had written in her other blog. I might not be standing in the window watching it all. Instead, I'm in the middle of the chaos and living my life to the fullest. But I think we all come to a point in our lives, I'm sure more than once, to where we have to walk out on a limb. To where we have to have faith in our abilities to create the world we live in. Where we have to believe that we can alter our universe and still be ourselves. Maybe its a small push or a pull. Maybe its a compromise or a standing firm. It could just be as simple as taking one small step to the left or right.
I think we all know if we are ready to fly or not. And just the fact that Bruiser is even considering, proves it. Because, otherwise, how would she know its possible at all?
She knows, just like I know. But I'm not telling.
This might sound weird, but she reminds me of Skylar. Not in a depressing, borderline suicidal type way. Trin is nothing like that. But more like in a passionate fun type of way. Its hard to explain, you would really had to have known Skylar to really get it and the only one who knew her is Speed.
The Circus Ladies seemed to like her too.
Maybe there is something there.
For the first time since Skylar, I've been considering a relationship. And on Speeds advice (yes, even the ring leader needs advice sometimes) I went down to her grave. Crazy or not, I talked to her. It hurt, I was sad, but I said all things I had always wanted to say but was too afraid to. I felt better, I felt worse, and for some reason, I felt scared.
I was scared that if I really let her go, that I would lose the last little piece of her. That piece of her heart that I keep locked in mine. Scared that the memories of our lives together would fade away to a whisper. Those memories are what keep me striving to live another day. Most of all, I was scared that I wouldn't feel her love anymore. And I need that.
Trin isn't pushing for anything right now, which I am relieved. No one is pushing me and I'm thankful for that.
It all makes me think of Bruiser's post. And the words that Speed had written in her other blog. I might not be standing in the window watching it all. Instead, I'm in the middle of the chaos and living my life to the fullest. But I think we all come to a point in our lives, I'm sure more than once, to where we have to walk out on a limb. To where we have to have faith in our abilities to create the world we live in. Where we have to believe that we can alter our universe and still be ourselves. Maybe its a small push or a pull. Maybe its a compromise or a standing firm. It could just be as simple as taking one small step to the left or right.
I think we all know if we are ready to fly or not. And just the fact that Bruiser is even considering, proves it. Because, otherwise, how would she know its possible at all?
She knows, just like I know. But I'm not telling.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Fly or fall?
Yeah, our sober Easter was pretty cool.
Candy and Ash have never seemed more alive and happy than they did that day.
And to watch Dimes and Laney together...its mind boggling. Who would have ever thought that Dimes would meet her match?
And Starr's new "friend" is pretty cool too. Even Walker had some girl with her that was pretty cool.
But me...
I know I have been acting like I'm all good and happy and shit, but in reality...I'm hating life at the moment. I'm at the point where I don't even want to wake up for work. And you all know how much I love my job. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't shake it. I think Speed said it best in her myspace blog. (Stolen with permission...because she loves me)
Its like you are watching from a window that is too high to make out the details but you think if you could just reach out, you might be able to touch something that could be there in some alter reality that is silently calling your name and begging you to wake up and smile or something because it might mean something like that there is hope for a new beginning that is waiting just around the corner but you're lost because someone forgot to give you the map and all the roads look so damn foreign and empty or maybe too full and nothing looks right so you stay in the window and watch the blurs below as they interact with each other and you wonder if they are happy and maybe talking about how to get you to jump out of the window and spread your wings because they all know you can fly but you're not so certain that the wings are strong enough to keep you from hitting the ground so hard that you won't wake up and tomorrow will fade into nothing and you'll realize that maybe you shouldn't have jumped because it was all wrong in the first place or maybe too right and the wind is blowing so hard that it stings your face and the opening in the window is getting bigger and bigger but the blurs confuse you like maybe they are trying to trick you into believing that this is the way its supposed to be and you try to shake it off like its a leech sucking at your jugular but leaving just enough blood for you to survive but when its all said and done...you still have a choice...jump and fly or jump and fall or stay right where you are at and hope that its not as miserable as its leading to be.
At the end of this blog she says, "I say jump, MOTHERFUCKER! You'll never fly if you don't try!" And I'm there, standing on that edge, contemplating the fall but feeling brave enough to try. I'm not scared but I am hesitant. And that little bit of hesitation is what is driving me nuts.
Candy and Ash have never seemed more alive and happy than they did that day.
And to watch Dimes and Laney together...its mind boggling. Who would have ever thought that Dimes would meet her match?
And Starr's new "friend" is pretty cool too. Even Walker had some girl with her that was pretty cool.
But me...
I know I have been acting like I'm all good and happy and shit, but in reality...I'm hating life at the moment. I'm at the point where I don't even want to wake up for work. And you all know how much I love my job. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't shake it. I think Speed said it best in her myspace blog. (Stolen with permission...because she loves me)
Its like you are watching from a window that is too high to make out the details but you think if you could just reach out, you might be able to touch something that could be there in some alter reality that is silently calling your name and begging you to wake up and smile or something because it might mean something like that there is hope for a new beginning that is waiting just around the corner but you're lost because someone forgot to give you the map and all the roads look so damn foreign and empty or maybe too full and nothing looks right so you stay in the window and watch the blurs below as they interact with each other and you wonder if they are happy and maybe talking about how to get you to jump out of the window and spread your wings because they all know you can fly but you're not so certain that the wings are strong enough to keep you from hitting the ground so hard that you won't wake up and tomorrow will fade into nothing and you'll realize that maybe you shouldn't have jumped because it was all wrong in the first place or maybe too right and the wind is blowing so hard that it stings your face and the opening in the window is getting bigger and bigger but the blurs confuse you like maybe they are trying to trick you into believing that this is the way its supposed to be and you try to shake it off like its a leech sucking at your jugular but leaving just enough blood for you to survive but when its all said and done...you still have a choice...jump and fly or jump and fall or stay right where you are at and hope that its not as miserable as its leading to be.
At the end of this blog she says, "I say jump, MOTHERFUCKER! You'll never fly if you don't try!" And I'm there, standing on that edge, contemplating the fall but feeling brave enough to try. I'm not scared but I am hesitant. And that little bit of hesitation is what is driving me nuts.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Easter Sober
Today was a first for us Crazy Lesbian Circus gals. It was the first party we've ever had where everyone was completely sober. No alcohol...no nothing. And I think its one of our best parties yet.
In honor of Candy and Ash's being sober, we thought it would be really cool to join them in their sobriety. So we spent the day in the ocean and had an x-rated Easter egg hunt. Walker and Bruiser made a wonderful meal. There were only two things that we really missed...Speed and J.
For any readers that haven't checked out Speed's blog, you should. Not only is she an amazing artist, but her and J (her partner) are musicians too. And usually at these CLC get togethers, they are the entertainment.
We missed you gals. Hope you had a great Easter!
In honor of Candy and Ash's being sober, we thought it would be really cool to join them in their sobriety. So we spent the day in the ocean and had an x-rated Easter egg hunt. Walker and Bruiser made a wonderful meal. There were only two things that we really missed...Speed and J.
For any readers that haven't checked out Speed's blog, you should. Not only is she an amazing artist, but her and J (her partner) are musicians too. And usually at these CLC get togethers, they are the entertainment.
We missed you gals. Hope you had a great Easter!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Loving life for the first time
I can't believe how long it has been since I posted. Everything is so much different now.
I'm getting close to my 6 months of being clean. Its been work, but I'm staying this way. The pain from my accident has been manageable for the most part. I think I might have mentioned that Starr introduced me to natural medicine. Once a month, I get physical treatment for the old injuries and then I do physical therapy. So, really, this is the best I've felt since the day of the accident.
Ash, my beautiful Ash. I sold my old place. We needed a change of scenery. Right now, we are renting a place right on the beach, not too far from Starr. I bought Ash a motorcycle and I taught her to ride. We've been spending most of our time riding.
When I got our of rehab, I had asked Ash to marry me. She told that she wasn't saying yes or no until I made three months sober. So, I asked her again on my three month. She said yes! But...she won't set a date until my six month. Which is only a few weeks away. I'm excited. She is the love of my life and forever with her is going to be the best. I know it.
My buddy, my pal, Speed is back finally. Well, not back in Florida, but online so we can read her crazy stories about life. She left us all down here back in October and she has yet to see the new me. So this is me begging.....please come home, please. We all miss you like mad. And Ash told me to tell you hello. I want to thank you for all you've done. Crazy love, woman!
I'm getting close to my 6 months of being clean. Its been work, but I'm staying this way. The pain from my accident has been manageable for the most part. I think I might have mentioned that Starr introduced me to natural medicine. Once a month, I get physical treatment for the old injuries and then I do physical therapy. So, really, this is the best I've felt since the day of the accident.
Ash, my beautiful Ash. I sold my old place. We needed a change of scenery. Right now, we are renting a place right on the beach, not too far from Starr. I bought Ash a motorcycle and I taught her to ride. We've been spending most of our time riding.
When I got our of rehab, I had asked Ash to marry me. She told that she wasn't saying yes or no until I made three months sober. So, I asked her again on my three month. She said yes! But...she won't set a date until my six month. Which is only a few weeks away. I'm excited. She is the love of my life and forever with her is going to be the best. I know it.
My buddy, my pal, Speed is back finally. Well, not back in Florida, but online so we can read her crazy stories about life. She left us all down here back in October and she has yet to see the new me. So this is me begging.....please come home, please. We all miss you like mad. And Ash told me to tell you hello. I want to thank you for all you've done. Crazy love, woman!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
In the bookstore
The article from hell is raising some hell and....I love it. I have got a stack of hate mail thicker than a Big Mac. But...I got a stack of mail from my fans three times as thick.
In other news...
I was at Borders the other day checking out what was new in the lesbian fiction department (which seems to have shrunk) and this woman walked past me a few times. I thought it was strange for her to pass between me and the shelf I was studying because there was plenty of room for her to walk behind me. On the fourth time she inconvenienced me, I looked up to say something.
I had this whole speech on how rude she was being ready to spill from my lips but when I found her eyes, all words were lost in my smile. Hot. Very, very hot. Scorching even.
She let out a breath and said, "Its about time. I thought I was going to have to start stripping my wardrobe to get you to look up."
I laughed. The idea of her naked was more than a nice thought.
We had some coffee and a very interesting conversation that went from quietly calm to extremely heated and back again. I liked her. I think the rest of you will too. Not like I'm planning on anything other than a few dates maybe, but she is cool. Definitely CLC material.
Well, we will be having dinner tomorrow night on Los Olas and maybe I will get to see her without the wardrobe. *evil laugh*
In other news...
I was at Borders the other day checking out what was new in the lesbian fiction department (which seems to have shrunk) and this woman walked past me a few times. I thought it was strange for her to pass between me and the shelf I was studying because there was plenty of room for her to walk behind me. On the fourth time she inconvenienced me, I looked up to say something.
I had this whole speech on how rude she was being ready to spill from my lips but when I found her eyes, all words were lost in my smile. Hot. Very, very hot. Scorching even.
She let out a breath and said, "Its about time. I thought I was going to have to start stripping my wardrobe to get you to look up."
I laughed. The idea of her naked was more than a nice thought.
We had some coffee and a very interesting conversation that went from quietly calm to extremely heated and back again. I liked her. I think the rest of you will too. Not like I'm planning on anything other than a few dates maybe, but she is cool. Definitely CLC material.
Well, we will be having dinner tomorrow night on Los Olas and maybe I will get to see her without the wardrobe. *evil laugh*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)