I would have left this as a comment on her blog but I don't think she would have posted it. So here it is...
Speed,
I love you. And as happy as you are pretending to be, I know you. The real you. That place is miserable and I think its only a matter of time before you are back to that dark place you called your life.
Come here, come home. Live with me and we don't have to tell a soul where you are. Your friends, your family...we will let them believe that you are still in Georgia.
I will lay off the guilt. I should have never tried because, like I said, I DO know you and I know what roll guilt has played in your life. It was low and wrong of me to use it. I'm sorry I hurt you.
I just want you back.
Monday, November 2, 2009
In blood
I don't think any of us have recovered enough to actually write about our Haunted Halloween, but I'm going to try. The night is still sketchy in my head.
As usual, we all went to Starr's Monster Mansion. A few of us have backgrounds in theatre and when we put on a show...it is out of this world. And this year, there were monsters behind every door. Some were real, some were not but they all looked amazing. Peace is one hell of a make-up artist when she wants to be.
The band this year went by the name Careless. (Since it wasn't their real name, I got permission to put it in here.) They were flawless and kept us all dancing for most of the night. About half way through the night they did a tribute to Speed. It was so fucking cool. (Speed - they played "Carvin'" and you would have loved it.) I think Starr has it on dvd.
The night got bloody sexual after that (literally). I wasn't all that innocent...actually, none of us were. And like we all promised Speed, we all crashed at Starr's. When I woke up the next afternoon it took all I had to convince myself that I wasn't walking through a mass murder scene. It was a great night but without Speed, it was just a night. We missed you like mad, babe. (I sent you tons of pictures.)
I hope everyone had a safe Samhain.
As usual, we all went to Starr's Monster Mansion. A few of us have backgrounds in theatre and when we put on a show...it is out of this world. And this year, there were monsters behind every door. Some were real, some were not but they all looked amazing. Peace is one hell of a make-up artist when she wants to be.
The band this year went by the name Careless. (Since it wasn't their real name, I got permission to put it in here.) They were flawless and kept us all dancing for most of the night. About half way through the night they did a tribute to Speed. It was so fucking cool. (Speed - they played "Carvin'" and you would have loved it.) I think Starr has it on dvd.
The night got bloody sexual after that (literally). I wasn't all that innocent...actually, none of us were. And like we all promised Speed, we all crashed at Starr's. When I woke up the next afternoon it took all I had to convince myself that I wasn't walking through a mass murder scene. It was a great night but without Speed, it was just a night. We missed you like mad, babe. (I sent you tons of pictures.)
I hope everyone had a safe Samhain.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Here comes the B....
Okay already! Sheesh.
Starr has been begging me for an update for a while now. So here it goes...
My art work has taken off. I did this series of women, just women, in everyday life experiences. All chalk and some ink. They turned out amazing and...I've sold every piece! I'm hard at work for my next series and I have a really big show coming up. Things look good.
Kay and I are still together. I think the decision to give us a second chance was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. She is wonderful and one hell of an artist too. The big news with this is...Kay asked me to MARRY her!
It was so cute. She was all nervous and I was all clueless, like usual. We had been surfing all day and the sun was about to set. Exhausted, I had laid back in the sand to watch the sky change and her gorgeous smile appeared before me. What she said is much too personal. And the way she looked away when she told me that if I needed time she would understand, well, it melted me.
I didn't need any time. I knew the answer in my heart before she even asked. SO...we are getting married. We are thinking sometime next year. Most likely at Starr's house. Even though I heard Speed's house has some breathtaking views. Neither state will recognize it legally, but I'm fine with that. I do not need any government or church to tell me that my commitment to her is real. I feel it...and that is more than most straight couples can say.
Starr has been begging me for an update for a while now. So here it goes...
My art work has taken off. I did this series of women, just women, in everyday life experiences. All chalk and some ink. They turned out amazing and...I've sold every piece! I'm hard at work for my next series and I have a really big show coming up. Things look good.
Kay and I are still together. I think the decision to give us a second chance was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. She is wonderful and one hell of an artist too. The big news with this is...Kay asked me to MARRY her!
It was so cute. She was all nervous and I was all clueless, like usual. We had been surfing all day and the sun was about to set. Exhausted, I had laid back in the sand to watch the sky change and her gorgeous smile appeared before me. What she said is much too personal. And the way she looked away when she told me that if I needed time she would understand, well, it melted me.
I didn't need any time. I knew the answer in my heart before she even asked. SO...we are getting married. We are thinking sometime next year. Most likely at Starr's house. Even though I heard Speed's house has some breathtaking views. Neither state will recognize it legally, but I'm fine with that. I do not need any government or church to tell me that my commitment to her is real. I feel it...and that is more than most straight couples can say.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Home
Well, I'm back home and finally warming up a bit. And like Speed, I miss her already too. J, I miss you too.
It was a memorable trip. There's things I won't forget like table dancing and singing to the top of our lungs as Joan Jett blared through the speakers. Or like waking up in search of coffee while Speed sat and watched, laughing while sipping her decaf tea. She could have just told me that the coffee was on the counter. Or waking up at five in the morning with the God of Thunder sitting on the house. That thunderstorm was one for the record books as being the loudest, frightening storm ever encountered. I thought the house might crumble. I think the thing I will remember the most is waking up with the two of them wrapped around me. It was one of those moments where you think that if you died right at that moment, you knew you would die happy.
Things I hope will purge from my memory: Anus in his underwear. Yeah, he walks around the house that way. Actually, I want all memories of Anus and Egg purged from my brain.
I really understand why Speed was struggling so much. It is so hard to live with people that really bring you down. They have no respect and are pretty much scum bags. They have their moments where they seem okay but then one of them will open their mouths and throw a wrench in the decent vibe you might have been getting. It was rough and I really wish I could go into more details, but out of respect for my closest friend, I can't.
All that aside, it was cool to see Brody and Aspen (Speeds dogs). Brody has grown so much and she has turned out to be a beautiful dog. Aspen has grown too. She really didn't need to, she is already 70 or 80 pounds of pure muscle. I've got some pictures but I'm not sure if I want to share them. I really do have to keep this as anonymous as possible.
It is good to be back home but I really wish I could have brought Speed with me. It really hurts to see her like this. It isn't her. She is always happy, always making everyone laugh, always keeping the mood at a very happy high, and like this...she is a stranger to me. I really hope I helped. J said I did, but I will believe it when I see it.
And my thanks go to: J and Speed for sharing your house and your bed with me. (I will be stealing your bed.) Speed, for your comforting embraced and J for being the most understanding person in the world. Both of you, for showing me a great time, even though it wasn't the best of times for either of you. I love you both more than words can ever say.
It was a memorable trip. There's things I won't forget like table dancing and singing to the top of our lungs as Joan Jett blared through the speakers. Or like waking up in search of coffee while Speed sat and watched, laughing while sipping her decaf tea. She could have just told me that the coffee was on the counter. Or waking up at five in the morning with the God of Thunder sitting on the house. That thunderstorm was one for the record books as being the loudest, frightening storm ever encountered. I thought the house might crumble. I think the thing I will remember the most is waking up with the two of them wrapped around me. It was one of those moments where you think that if you died right at that moment, you knew you would die happy.
Things I hope will purge from my memory: Anus in his underwear. Yeah, he walks around the house that way. Actually, I want all memories of Anus and Egg purged from my brain.
I really understand why Speed was struggling so much. It is so hard to live with people that really bring you down. They have no respect and are pretty much scum bags. They have their moments where they seem okay but then one of them will open their mouths and throw a wrench in the decent vibe you might have been getting. It was rough and I really wish I could go into more details, but out of respect for my closest friend, I can't.
All that aside, it was cool to see Brody and Aspen (Speeds dogs). Brody has grown so much and she has turned out to be a beautiful dog. Aspen has grown too. She really didn't need to, she is already 70 or 80 pounds of pure muscle. I've got some pictures but I'm not sure if I want to share them. I really do have to keep this as anonymous as possible.
It is good to be back home but I really wish I could have brought Speed with me. It really hurts to see her like this. It isn't her. She is always happy, always making everyone laugh, always keeping the mood at a very happy high, and like this...she is a stranger to me. I really hope I helped. J said I did, but I will believe it when I see it.
And my thanks go to: J and Speed for sharing your house and your bed with me. (I will be stealing your bed.) Speed, for your comforting embraced and J for being the most understanding person in the world. Both of you, for showing me a great time, even though it wasn't the best of times for either of you. I love you both more than words can ever say.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Crawl
I really expected Bruiser to update this last night. Thanks Bruiser.
First, I have to say that Speed and J have the most comfortable bed I have ever slept in and it is huge. I really didn't want to crawl out of bed this morning. It helped that I had Speed wrapped around me and J was wrapped around her. No dirty thoughts here, that's not what it was. Since Anus and Egg moved back in, they really do have a full house. (Now you know what has Speed all fucked up. They don't get along.) Dimes, Candy...I now completely understand what you meant about how it felt to wake up with her arms around you. It was like the most comforting and safe feeling I have ever woken up to.
Anus and Egg, that is for Speed to explain.
Octoberfest is in full swing up here. Yeah, you know where we were all weekend. Its like German town in Helen. Lots of beer and tons of bikers. We fit right in. But since Speed doesn't and can't drink beer, we had to find a cool place to drink the hard stuff. I think I still have a hangover.
We were smart though. We had a hotel room for Friday and Saturday night. We found one that was within crawling distance of the bar we were at. This should tell you how drunk we were...I cannot even remember the name of the bar.
But what I do remember is pretty typical of a night out with Speed. Absolute amazing fun and a pure rush from the time I opened my eyes in the morning until I closed them the next morning. (There might be a YouTube video of us coming soon. The table dancing was a real crowd pleaser.) Oh, and check this CLC...J even joined us! I guess she does have a little bit of a wild side.
As far as Speed is concerned, she seems a lot better but we did just spend three days away from this place. It is so gloomy here. And cold. I hope that the damn sun comes out today or I'm going to be searching for a damn tanning salon. I need the heat. Not the tan. I can see how it was so easy for her to implode here.
It is so cute, they're still sleeping. Yes, this computer is in their bedroom and its password protected. They have to have it this way because Anus is a menace when it comes to electronics. He's already ruined three of their computers and this one is much too nice to let him touch. But, yes they are still sleeping. When I got up, J pulled Speed closer to her and told her that she loved her. Speed mumbled something back that I didn't understand but they both stayed asleep. Told ya...fucking cute.
Well, that's all for now. I'm fucking cold and I think I'm going to snuggle back up to these two. They look really warm.
First, I have to say that Speed and J have the most comfortable bed I have ever slept in and it is huge. I really didn't want to crawl out of bed this morning. It helped that I had Speed wrapped around me and J was wrapped around her. No dirty thoughts here, that's not what it was. Since Anus and Egg moved back in, they really do have a full house. (Now you know what has Speed all fucked up. They don't get along.) Dimes, Candy...I now completely understand what you meant about how it felt to wake up with her arms around you. It was like the most comforting and safe feeling I have ever woken up to.
Anus and Egg, that is for Speed to explain.
Octoberfest is in full swing up here. Yeah, you know where we were all weekend. Its like German town in Helen. Lots of beer and tons of bikers. We fit right in. But since Speed doesn't and can't drink beer, we had to find a cool place to drink the hard stuff. I think I still have a hangover.
We were smart though. We had a hotel room for Friday and Saturday night. We found one that was within crawling distance of the bar we were at. This should tell you how drunk we were...I cannot even remember the name of the bar.
But what I do remember is pretty typical of a night out with Speed. Absolute amazing fun and a pure rush from the time I opened my eyes in the morning until I closed them the next morning. (There might be a YouTube video of us coming soon. The table dancing was a real crowd pleaser.) Oh, and check this CLC...J even joined us! I guess she does have a little bit of a wild side.
As far as Speed is concerned, she seems a lot better but we did just spend three days away from this place. It is so gloomy here. And cold. I hope that the damn sun comes out today or I'm going to be searching for a damn tanning salon. I need the heat. Not the tan. I can see how it was so easy for her to implode here.
It is so cute, they're still sleeping. Yes, this computer is in their bedroom and its password protected. They have to have it this way because Anus is a menace when it comes to electronics. He's already ruined three of their computers and this one is much too nice to let him touch. But, yes they are still sleeping. When I got up, J pulled Speed closer to her and told her that she loved her. Speed mumbled something back that I didn't understand but they both stayed asleep. Told ya...fucking cute.
Well, that's all for now. I'm fucking cold and I think I'm going to snuggle back up to these two. They look really warm.
Monday, October 5, 2009
greetings from up north
Hello, freaks and followers...
I am in gloomy North Georgia with my girl Speed and her girl J. It is fucking cold. To all you non-Florida people...that means that it isn't 90 degrees and my teeth are chattering.
Seems Speed finally snapped. (She just slapped my shoulder and told me not to make her sound like a basket case.) So, no not that kind of snapped. Her concept of positive thinking just shattered is all. She's got some shitty people around her. Shitty negative people and they seem to have corrupted her mind.
And because I love her so damn much and I had some free time, I flew up to help her. That's just who I am and I know that if I was in the same situation, she would do the same.
To the CLC: I'm not sure how she has survived up here for so long. It is a very miserable place. Bland and dormant. There's no color, no life up here. Bruiser, expect a call from me around 8.
Love you guys.
I am in gloomy North Georgia with my girl Speed and her girl J. It is fucking cold. To all you non-Florida people...that means that it isn't 90 degrees and my teeth are chattering.
Seems Speed finally snapped. (She just slapped my shoulder and told me not to make her sound like a basket case.) So, no not that kind of snapped. Her concept of positive thinking just shattered is all. She's got some shitty people around her. Shitty negative people and they seem to have corrupted her mind.
And because I love her so damn much and I had some free time, I flew up to help her. That's just who I am and I know that if I was in the same situation, she would do the same.
To the CLC: I'm not sure how she has survived up here for so long. It is a very miserable place. Bland and dormant. There's no color, no life up here. Bruiser, expect a call from me around 8.
Love you guys.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Could be?
I'm tired of the complaining...SPEED...lol.
Here is a real post.
FYI blogging world, I am still seeing Trin. Exclusively.
I know, jaw dropping, huh. She is a great woman and I've been told that she brings out something good in me. I thought I was good anyway, but...
The exclusive part is new. Even Speed didn't know about it and I'm sure as soon as I post this, I will get a "wtf" phone call. But its cool. It's not like the CLC doesn't like her. In fact, they like her a lot. The best part...she likes them too.
It has been about 6 months since we started seeing each other. 6 great months. I admit, I did have a little confusion and turmoil in the middle and sometimes, it is still a struggle but then I wake up next to her or with her in my arms and it all fades. It fades and transforms into relief and something else that I just can't put a word to.
Don't get any ideas. She is not moving in nor am I moving in with her. I am not ready for that. But it is nice to spend weekends together and such. So, unless Speed confesses her love for me, Trin might be the one for me for a very long time.
How is that for a post??
PS...Peace is promising an update here. Her news is much more exciting.
Here is a real post.
FYI blogging world, I am still seeing Trin. Exclusively.
I know, jaw dropping, huh. She is a great woman and I've been told that she brings out something good in me. I thought I was good anyway, but...
The exclusive part is new. Even Speed didn't know about it and I'm sure as soon as I post this, I will get a "wtf" phone call. But its cool. It's not like the CLC doesn't like her. In fact, they like her a lot. The best part...she likes them too.
It has been about 6 months since we started seeing each other. 6 great months. I admit, I did have a little confusion and turmoil in the middle and sometimes, it is still a struggle but then I wake up next to her or with her in my arms and it all fades. It fades and transforms into relief and something else that I just can't put a word to.
Don't get any ideas. She is not moving in nor am I moving in with her. I am not ready for that. But it is nice to spend weekends together and such. So, unless Speed confesses her love for me, Trin might be the one for me for a very long time.
How is that for a post??
PS...Peace is promising an update here. Her news is much more exciting.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Nothing at all
There is some crazy weather down this way. But we are experiencing some of the coolest lightning I have ever seen.
But...surf is up!
But...surf is up!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Speed IS the psycho dike!
Since Speed loves to write about us (and I'm not complaining), I think one or all of us should write a little bit about her. Because I love her and she IS one of us.
Speed is truly a beautiful person. And I'm not just talking about her looks. Although...truth be told, before I met her gorgeous female J, I made more than a few indecent proposals. But that's another story. She's beautiful on the inside too.
She's the best of friends. She would be the first person to drop whatever she was doing to help out a friend in need. Believe me, I've had to call a few times too many (and sometimes in the middle of the night) to get her to bail me out of a jam or pick me up somewhere. No matter what, where, or when, she would always be there.
She's super fucking talented too. Music, art, writing songs, writing stories...she's got it all. She's wild and crazy and just mad fun to hang out with. She is our Speed Demon and keeps us all living in the fast lane.
I noticed when she wrote about the party we threw for her at Starr's place, she failed to mention anything she did that night. She's like that though. Always highlighting her friends before herself. So who better to tell it than I...
Starr did try to fool her. We showed up at her mom's place and kidnapped her. As soon as we had her in the car, I put the blindfold on. Starr zig zagged all over the county until she got the text message that everything was set up.
When we finally got there, Bruiser carried Speed up the steps and into the house. Once we got her steady on those damn crutches, we took off the blindfold. I know she was expecting a party but I know she wasn't expecting a party like this. We called in all the favors.
She did sneak away some how but Walker quickly found her out back and dragged her back in. We made her jump in the pit and dance with us until she could no longer stand on her one leg. But then...
Starr took a stool up to the makeshift stage and Liz, the guitarist from my girls band, set up the mic and handed her the guitar. Yeah...Speed fuckin' ROCKED! (Inside note...I told Lani what songs I had heard Speed play before and Lani made sure the band knew them all. They knew most of them already anyway.) If you've ever read Speed's blog, then you have heard that song "Wasted" by L.P. that plays after the Tegan and Sara song. Well, she opened with "Wasted." She had us all on our feet. And then she went into "Crimson and Clover," the Joan Jett version but a little harder and a lot faster. It was hottttt! And I knew she couldn't do Joan without doing a little Lita Ford. "Kiss Me Deadly"...super sexy. The last song she played was that "All You Got" song by Tegan and Sara. She changed up the lyrics at the end and had us all singing, "This is the time of our lives."
She really blew the roof off the place.
The party eventually moved outside. Some of the party people took to the waves. The rest of us relaxed by the fire pit roasting marshmallows. (Its one of Speed's favorite things to do.) And, I'm not sure how she told it, but SHE started the mini marshmallow fight. And YES, we ganged up on her because we could and we love her that much.
I'm thinking that she didn't write about the quarter pipe ride because J probably reads her blog and J would most likely give her hell for being so crazy with that cast on her leg. (J, if you read this, I promise we were very, very careful with your girl and we didn't let her get too crazy. She did get home in one piece..lol.)
When it comes to anything that gets your adrenaline pumping, Speed is all over it. She is a true junkie and I mean that in the most loving way. Speed and Bruiser snuck away after the marshmallow fight and we found them on the top of the quarter pipe. We're still not sure how she got up there and Bruiser isn't telling. We walked up just in time to see Bruiser letting Speed go. She was sitting on the board. How she held on for that drop in is beyond me. And how she was able to turn that board in the air...got me? But she did, and she didn't crash once. She is sick...on or off her feet.
It definitely isn't a party without one of Speed's famous fireside stories. We all huddled in and listened as she told us about the day she got lost in the woods up there in that hick town J stole her away too. (No offense J. We still love you.) She had us laughing so hard that it was bringing tears to our eyes.
Before we took her home, Candy took her for a spin on her bike. Candy is crazy but I swear, sometimes...Speed makes her look tame. Candy swears she didn't let Speed drive (we all promised J we wouldn't let her drive a thing) but I find it hard to believe that Speed was satisfied riding bitch. Hmm...
Mad fun indeed. That is Speed. Love ya, you psycho dike.
Speed is truly a beautiful person. And I'm not just talking about her looks. Although...truth be told, before I met her gorgeous female J, I made more than a few indecent proposals. But that's another story. She's beautiful on the inside too.
She's the best of friends. She would be the first person to drop whatever she was doing to help out a friend in need. Believe me, I've had to call a few times too many (and sometimes in the middle of the night) to get her to bail me out of a jam or pick me up somewhere. No matter what, where, or when, she would always be there.
She's super fucking talented too. Music, art, writing songs, writing stories...she's got it all. She's wild and crazy and just mad fun to hang out with. She is our Speed Demon and keeps us all living in the fast lane.
I noticed when she wrote about the party we threw for her at Starr's place, she failed to mention anything she did that night. She's like that though. Always highlighting her friends before herself. So who better to tell it than I...
Starr did try to fool her. We showed up at her mom's place and kidnapped her. As soon as we had her in the car, I put the blindfold on. Starr zig zagged all over the county until she got the text message that everything was set up.
When we finally got there, Bruiser carried Speed up the steps and into the house. Once we got her steady on those damn crutches, we took off the blindfold. I know she was expecting a party but I know she wasn't expecting a party like this. We called in all the favors.
She did sneak away some how but Walker quickly found her out back and dragged her back in. We made her jump in the pit and dance with us until she could no longer stand on her one leg. But then...
Starr took a stool up to the makeshift stage and Liz, the guitarist from my girls band, set up the mic and handed her the guitar. Yeah...Speed fuckin' ROCKED! (Inside note...I told Lani what songs I had heard Speed play before and Lani made sure the band knew them all. They knew most of them already anyway.) If you've ever read Speed's blog, then you have heard that song "Wasted" by L.P. that plays after the Tegan and Sara song. Well, she opened with "Wasted." She had us all on our feet. And then she went into "Crimson and Clover," the Joan Jett version but a little harder and a lot faster. It was hottttt! And I knew she couldn't do Joan without doing a little Lita Ford. "Kiss Me Deadly"...super sexy. The last song she played was that "All You Got" song by Tegan and Sara. She changed up the lyrics at the end and had us all singing, "This is the time of our lives."
She really blew the roof off the place.
The party eventually moved outside. Some of the party people took to the waves. The rest of us relaxed by the fire pit roasting marshmallows. (Its one of Speed's favorite things to do.) And, I'm not sure how she told it, but SHE started the mini marshmallow fight. And YES, we ganged up on her because we could and we love her that much.
I'm thinking that she didn't write about the quarter pipe ride because J probably reads her blog and J would most likely give her hell for being so crazy with that cast on her leg. (J, if you read this, I promise we were very, very careful with your girl and we didn't let her get too crazy. She did get home in one piece..lol.)
When it comes to anything that gets your adrenaline pumping, Speed is all over it. She is a true junkie and I mean that in the most loving way. Speed and Bruiser snuck away after the marshmallow fight and we found them on the top of the quarter pipe. We're still not sure how she got up there and Bruiser isn't telling. We walked up just in time to see Bruiser letting Speed go. She was sitting on the board. How she held on for that drop in is beyond me. And how she was able to turn that board in the air...got me? But she did, and she didn't crash once. She is sick...on or off her feet.
It definitely isn't a party without one of Speed's famous fireside stories. We all huddled in and listened as she told us about the day she got lost in the woods up there in that hick town J stole her away too. (No offense J. We still love you.) She had us laughing so hard that it was bringing tears to our eyes.
Before we took her home, Candy took her for a spin on her bike. Candy is crazy but I swear, sometimes...Speed makes her look tame. Candy swears she didn't let Speed drive (we all promised J we wouldn't let her drive a thing) but I find it hard to believe that Speed was satisfied riding bitch. Hmm...
Mad fun indeed. That is Speed. Love ya, you psycho dike.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Too fast for love
I keep having this dream that Speed is trying to steal my bike. Wait...she did try. Life is slow without you here grrl. I hope you are coming back sooner than you said because I got you a gift. But you can't have it or know what it is until you get here.
Life is good (for anyone that actually reads this and isn't one of the CLC). Life is clean. And love is amazing.
(I have to rub this in, Speed.) We, the CLC, just spent a week surf chasing up the coast of Florida. Tropical storms and hurricanes that don't hit land ROCK!
That's what you get for leaving us down here, Speed.
Life is good (for anyone that actually reads this and isn't one of the CLC). Life is clean. And love is amazing.
(I have to rub this in, Speed.) We, the CLC, just spent a week surf chasing up the coast of Florida. Tropical storms and hurricanes that don't hit land ROCK!
That's what you get for leaving us down here, Speed.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Could it be?
I have to say this again...I am so fucking excited to see Speed. We have so much catching up to do. It really sucks we won't be able to hit the inlet for some waves but at least we will have her.
On to the real post.
I guess the reason I haven't posted about anything lately is because I really don't know what to say. I've been somewhat confused and torn. The girls know, but I just didn't want to mention it here. But...I think I have it all figured out (with the help of some really great advice from all my CLC girls.)
For the longest time, the thought of anyone else in my life besides Skylar was...petrifying, painful, and sad. The connection we had, the love we shared, it was (and still is) sacred and very much a part of me. As Speed pointed out, its the part of me that makes me live. But until she explained it to me, I had always thought that another person in my life would take that all away.
Now, I know its not true. Skylar will always be that part of me no matter what happens.
I believe I wrote about Trin in this blog. She is the amazingly beautiful woman, inside and out, that I met at the bookstore a few months ago. We've had a few very romantic dinners, several heated nights by the ocean, and many real fun dates. I'm finally ready to admit that I might more than like her.
She is so unbelievable. But sometimes, I catch myself comparing her to Skylar. I know I shouldn't do that and that in my heart, no one could ever compare to her. But Trin, she reminds me of Skylar in so many ways yet they are so different. And really, what I feel for Trin is a lot different from the way I feel for Skylar.
That was what caused all of my confusion. It has been a long time since I was in a relationship but I should have remembered that all love is different. It might still be love, but it doesn't mean it will be exactly like the love before it.
Love...this very well could be it. But I'm not going to try and analyze it anymore. If it is, it is. If not, well I will know. And Trin, she has been so patient and idle of sorts. She knows a bit about Skylar but not everything, of course. She's met the Crazy Lesbians I call my family (except for Speed) and they all love her just as much as she loves them.
So, maybe this is it...she is it. That one person that can help me heal and hold my hand as I walk through the path I never thought I would see again. Maybe...
We will see.
On to the real post.
I guess the reason I haven't posted about anything lately is because I really don't know what to say. I've been somewhat confused and torn. The girls know, but I just didn't want to mention it here. But...I think I have it all figured out (with the help of some really great advice from all my CLC girls.)
For the longest time, the thought of anyone else in my life besides Skylar was...petrifying, painful, and sad. The connection we had, the love we shared, it was (and still is) sacred and very much a part of me. As Speed pointed out, its the part of me that makes me live. But until she explained it to me, I had always thought that another person in my life would take that all away.
Now, I know its not true. Skylar will always be that part of me no matter what happens.
I believe I wrote about Trin in this blog. She is the amazingly beautiful woman, inside and out, that I met at the bookstore a few months ago. We've had a few very romantic dinners, several heated nights by the ocean, and many real fun dates. I'm finally ready to admit that I might more than like her.
She is so unbelievable. But sometimes, I catch myself comparing her to Skylar. I know I shouldn't do that and that in my heart, no one could ever compare to her. But Trin, she reminds me of Skylar in so many ways yet they are so different. And really, what I feel for Trin is a lot different from the way I feel for Skylar.
That was what caused all of my confusion. It has been a long time since I was in a relationship but I should have remembered that all love is different. It might still be love, but it doesn't mean it will be exactly like the love before it.
Love...this very well could be it. But I'm not going to try and analyze it anymore. If it is, it is. If not, well I will know. And Trin, she has been so patient and idle of sorts. She knows a bit about Skylar but not everything, of course. She's met the Crazy Lesbians I call my family (except for Speed) and they all love her just as much as she loves them.
So, maybe this is it...she is it. That one person that can help me heal and hold my hand as I walk through the path I never thought I would see again. Maybe...
We will see.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Nothing much of nothing, really?
Our grrl Speed is coming home for a few weeks!
We haven't seen her in about six months...ever since that evil girl J took her all the way to Georgia. (Just kidding...you know I love ya J.)
I think my reasons for making this blog have failed. My phone rings more than ever now. But if the girls want the world to know what is going on with them, I'm making them write it here themselves.
Here that CLC??
We haven't seen her in about six months...ever since that evil girl J took her all the way to Georgia. (Just kidding...you know I love ya J.)
I think my reasons for making this blog have failed. My phone rings more than ever now. But if the girls want the world to know what is going on with them, I'm making them write it here themselves.
Here that CLC??
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Can't be held responsible
Some people...they can walk through anything with their heads held high, knowing that when its all done and over with, they were stronger than anyone else.
Some people...are weak.
Some people...are weak.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Lesbian Anime...
Helping out our friend Speed because we love her so much! Well, that and I, myself, am a fan of JD Glass. Check this out...
If you are interested you can purchase it from the Amazon side bar or visit ALC Publishing. Enjoy!
If you are interested you can purchase it from the Amazon side bar or visit ALC Publishing. Enjoy!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Glued Eyes
I can't believe we all have been neglecting this thing. Honestly, every time I sign in, I read Speed's blog and then forget to write. I love the way she writes. And the way she tells the story of her life...man, I wish I could write like that.
Okay, life is good. Val and I haven't gotten back together and we most likely won't but she insists that we stay friends. I've been trying to distance myself from her as much as I can. She's beginning to get a little stalkerish. If that's a word?
It's actually getting scary. I've been out on a few dates since we split. Like the other night, I was at a cool bar at five points having a drink with a girl I had known from work. You know how you get that feeling that you are being watched? Well, I started looking around and there she was. A couple of tables over, with her eyes glued on my back. And it wasn't the first time either.
Maybe I should have Bruiser have a talk with her...lol.
Okay, life is good. Val and I haven't gotten back together and we most likely won't but she insists that we stay friends. I've been trying to distance myself from her as much as I can. She's beginning to get a little stalkerish. If that's a word?
It's actually getting scary. I've been out on a few dates since we split. Like the other night, I was at a cool bar at five points having a drink with a girl I had known from work. You know how you get that feeling that you are being watched? Well, I started looking around and there she was. A couple of tables over, with her eyes glued on my back. And it wasn't the first time either.
Maybe I should have Bruiser have a talk with her...lol.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Reason
I think that if I knew that love was going to be like this, I would have tried it a long time ago. I know what Starr would say...everything happens for a reason.
Love is crazy cool. Laney is out of this fucking world. She's moving in this weekend. Yeah, we took that step. I can't help it, I want to be near her all the time. She practically lives here already anyway so why not make it permanent.
Her and her band have been recording in Miami. Supposedly, its the same studio where Aerosmith recorded. I thought that was pretty cool. It sucks to know that they will most likely start touring after the album is released and I will miss her so much. But this is her dream and I will support her no matter what she does. Hey, doesn't mean I can't still surprise her on the road, right?
Well, that's my update. Has anyone heard from Peace?
Love is crazy cool. Laney is out of this fucking world. She's moving in this weekend. Yeah, we took that step. I can't help it, I want to be near her all the time. She practically lives here already anyway so why not make it permanent.
Her and her band have been recording in Miami. Supposedly, its the same studio where Aerosmith recorded. I thought that was pretty cool. It sucks to know that they will most likely start touring after the album is released and I will miss her so much. But this is her dream and I will support her no matter what she does. Hey, doesn't mean I can't still surprise her on the road, right?
Well, that's my update. Has anyone heard from Peace?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Ghost of my Heart
Bruiser is right. My new "friend" is pretty cool.
This might sound weird, but she reminds me of Skylar. Not in a depressing, borderline suicidal type way. Trin is nothing like that. But more like in a passionate fun type of way. Its hard to explain, you would really had to have known Skylar to really get it and the only one who knew her is Speed.
The Circus Ladies seemed to like her too.
Maybe there is something there.
For the first time since Skylar, I've been considering a relationship. And on Speeds advice (yes, even the ring leader needs advice sometimes) I went down to her grave. Crazy or not, I talked to her. It hurt, I was sad, but I said all things I had always wanted to say but was too afraid to. I felt better, I felt worse, and for some reason, I felt scared.
I was scared that if I really let her go, that I would lose the last little piece of her. That piece of her heart that I keep locked in mine. Scared that the memories of our lives together would fade away to a whisper. Those memories are what keep me striving to live another day. Most of all, I was scared that I wouldn't feel her love anymore. And I need that.
Trin isn't pushing for anything right now, which I am relieved. No one is pushing me and I'm thankful for that.
It all makes me think of Bruiser's post. And the words that Speed had written in her other blog. I might not be standing in the window watching it all. Instead, I'm in the middle of the chaos and living my life to the fullest. But I think we all come to a point in our lives, I'm sure more than once, to where we have to walk out on a limb. To where we have to have faith in our abilities to create the world we live in. Where we have to believe that we can alter our universe and still be ourselves. Maybe its a small push or a pull. Maybe its a compromise or a standing firm. It could just be as simple as taking one small step to the left or right.
I think we all know if we are ready to fly or not. And just the fact that Bruiser is even considering, proves it. Because, otherwise, how would she know its possible at all?
She knows, just like I know. But I'm not telling.
This might sound weird, but she reminds me of Skylar. Not in a depressing, borderline suicidal type way. Trin is nothing like that. But more like in a passionate fun type of way. Its hard to explain, you would really had to have known Skylar to really get it and the only one who knew her is Speed.
The Circus Ladies seemed to like her too.
Maybe there is something there.
For the first time since Skylar, I've been considering a relationship. And on Speeds advice (yes, even the ring leader needs advice sometimes) I went down to her grave. Crazy or not, I talked to her. It hurt, I was sad, but I said all things I had always wanted to say but was too afraid to. I felt better, I felt worse, and for some reason, I felt scared.
I was scared that if I really let her go, that I would lose the last little piece of her. That piece of her heart that I keep locked in mine. Scared that the memories of our lives together would fade away to a whisper. Those memories are what keep me striving to live another day. Most of all, I was scared that I wouldn't feel her love anymore. And I need that.
Trin isn't pushing for anything right now, which I am relieved. No one is pushing me and I'm thankful for that.
It all makes me think of Bruiser's post. And the words that Speed had written in her other blog. I might not be standing in the window watching it all. Instead, I'm in the middle of the chaos and living my life to the fullest. But I think we all come to a point in our lives, I'm sure more than once, to where we have to walk out on a limb. To where we have to have faith in our abilities to create the world we live in. Where we have to believe that we can alter our universe and still be ourselves. Maybe its a small push or a pull. Maybe its a compromise or a standing firm. It could just be as simple as taking one small step to the left or right.
I think we all know if we are ready to fly or not. And just the fact that Bruiser is even considering, proves it. Because, otherwise, how would she know its possible at all?
She knows, just like I know. But I'm not telling.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Fly or fall?
Yeah, our sober Easter was pretty cool.
Candy and Ash have never seemed more alive and happy than they did that day.
And to watch Dimes and Laney together...its mind boggling. Who would have ever thought that Dimes would meet her match?
And Starr's new "friend" is pretty cool too. Even Walker had some girl with her that was pretty cool.
But me...
I know I have been acting like I'm all good and happy and shit, but in reality...I'm hating life at the moment. I'm at the point where I don't even want to wake up for work. And you all know how much I love my job. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't shake it. I think Speed said it best in her myspace blog. (Stolen with permission...because she loves me)
Its like you are watching from a window that is too high to make out the details but you think if you could just reach out, you might be able to touch something that could be there in some alter reality that is silently calling your name and begging you to wake up and smile or something because it might mean something like that there is hope for a new beginning that is waiting just around the corner but you're lost because someone forgot to give you the map and all the roads look so damn foreign and empty or maybe too full and nothing looks right so you stay in the window and watch the blurs below as they interact with each other and you wonder if they are happy and maybe talking about how to get you to jump out of the window and spread your wings because they all know you can fly but you're not so certain that the wings are strong enough to keep you from hitting the ground so hard that you won't wake up and tomorrow will fade into nothing and you'll realize that maybe you shouldn't have jumped because it was all wrong in the first place or maybe too right and the wind is blowing so hard that it stings your face and the opening in the window is getting bigger and bigger but the blurs confuse you like maybe they are trying to trick you into believing that this is the way its supposed to be and you try to shake it off like its a leech sucking at your jugular but leaving just enough blood for you to survive but when its all said and done...you still have a choice...jump and fly or jump and fall or stay right where you are at and hope that its not as miserable as its leading to be.
At the end of this blog she says, "I say jump, MOTHERFUCKER! You'll never fly if you don't try!" And I'm there, standing on that edge, contemplating the fall but feeling brave enough to try. I'm not scared but I am hesitant. And that little bit of hesitation is what is driving me nuts.
Candy and Ash have never seemed more alive and happy than they did that day.
And to watch Dimes and Laney together...its mind boggling. Who would have ever thought that Dimes would meet her match?
And Starr's new "friend" is pretty cool too. Even Walker had some girl with her that was pretty cool.
But me...
I know I have been acting like I'm all good and happy and shit, but in reality...I'm hating life at the moment. I'm at the point where I don't even want to wake up for work. And you all know how much I love my job. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't shake it. I think Speed said it best in her myspace blog. (Stolen with permission...because she loves me)
Its like you are watching from a window that is too high to make out the details but you think if you could just reach out, you might be able to touch something that could be there in some alter reality that is silently calling your name and begging you to wake up and smile or something because it might mean something like that there is hope for a new beginning that is waiting just around the corner but you're lost because someone forgot to give you the map and all the roads look so damn foreign and empty or maybe too full and nothing looks right so you stay in the window and watch the blurs below as they interact with each other and you wonder if they are happy and maybe talking about how to get you to jump out of the window and spread your wings because they all know you can fly but you're not so certain that the wings are strong enough to keep you from hitting the ground so hard that you won't wake up and tomorrow will fade into nothing and you'll realize that maybe you shouldn't have jumped because it was all wrong in the first place or maybe too right and the wind is blowing so hard that it stings your face and the opening in the window is getting bigger and bigger but the blurs confuse you like maybe they are trying to trick you into believing that this is the way its supposed to be and you try to shake it off like its a leech sucking at your jugular but leaving just enough blood for you to survive but when its all said and done...you still have a choice...jump and fly or jump and fall or stay right where you are at and hope that its not as miserable as its leading to be.
At the end of this blog she says, "I say jump, MOTHERFUCKER! You'll never fly if you don't try!" And I'm there, standing on that edge, contemplating the fall but feeling brave enough to try. I'm not scared but I am hesitant. And that little bit of hesitation is what is driving me nuts.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Easter Sober
Today was a first for us Crazy Lesbian Circus gals. It was the first party we've ever had where everyone was completely sober. No alcohol...no nothing. And I think its one of our best parties yet.
In honor of Candy and Ash's being sober, we thought it would be really cool to join them in their sobriety. So we spent the day in the ocean and had an x-rated Easter egg hunt. Walker and Bruiser made a wonderful meal. There were only two things that we really missed...Speed and J.
For any readers that haven't checked out Speed's blog, you should. Not only is she an amazing artist, but her and J (her partner) are musicians too. And usually at these CLC get togethers, they are the entertainment.
We missed you gals. Hope you had a great Easter!
In honor of Candy and Ash's being sober, we thought it would be really cool to join them in their sobriety. So we spent the day in the ocean and had an x-rated Easter egg hunt. Walker and Bruiser made a wonderful meal. There were only two things that we really missed...Speed and J.
For any readers that haven't checked out Speed's blog, you should. Not only is she an amazing artist, but her and J (her partner) are musicians too. And usually at these CLC get togethers, they are the entertainment.
We missed you gals. Hope you had a great Easter!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Loving life for the first time
I can't believe how long it has been since I posted. Everything is so much different now.
I'm getting close to my 6 months of being clean. Its been work, but I'm staying this way. The pain from my accident has been manageable for the most part. I think I might have mentioned that Starr introduced me to natural medicine. Once a month, I get physical treatment for the old injuries and then I do physical therapy. So, really, this is the best I've felt since the day of the accident.
Ash, my beautiful Ash. I sold my old place. We needed a change of scenery. Right now, we are renting a place right on the beach, not too far from Starr. I bought Ash a motorcycle and I taught her to ride. We've been spending most of our time riding.
When I got our of rehab, I had asked Ash to marry me. She told that she wasn't saying yes or no until I made three months sober. So, I asked her again on my three month. She said yes! But...she won't set a date until my six month. Which is only a few weeks away. I'm excited. She is the love of my life and forever with her is going to be the best. I know it.
My buddy, my pal, Speed is back finally. Well, not back in Florida, but online so we can read her crazy stories about life. She left us all down here back in October and she has yet to see the new me. So this is me begging.....please come home, please. We all miss you like mad. And Ash told me to tell you hello. I want to thank you for all you've done. Crazy love, woman!
I'm getting close to my 6 months of being clean. Its been work, but I'm staying this way. The pain from my accident has been manageable for the most part. I think I might have mentioned that Starr introduced me to natural medicine. Once a month, I get physical treatment for the old injuries and then I do physical therapy. So, really, this is the best I've felt since the day of the accident.
Ash, my beautiful Ash. I sold my old place. We needed a change of scenery. Right now, we are renting a place right on the beach, not too far from Starr. I bought Ash a motorcycle and I taught her to ride. We've been spending most of our time riding.
When I got our of rehab, I had asked Ash to marry me. She told that she wasn't saying yes or no until I made three months sober. So, I asked her again on my three month. She said yes! But...she won't set a date until my six month. Which is only a few weeks away. I'm excited. She is the love of my life and forever with her is going to be the best. I know it.
My buddy, my pal, Speed is back finally. Well, not back in Florida, but online so we can read her crazy stories about life. She left us all down here back in October and she has yet to see the new me. So this is me begging.....please come home, please. We all miss you like mad. And Ash told me to tell you hello. I want to thank you for all you've done. Crazy love, woman!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
In the bookstore
The article from hell is raising some hell and....I love it. I have got a stack of hate mail thicker than a Big Mac. But...I got a stack of mail from my fans three times as thick.
In other news...
I was at Borders the other day checking out what was new in the lesbian fiction department (which seems to have shrunk) and this woman walked past me a few times. I thought it was strange for her to pass between me and the shelf I was studying because there was plenty of room for her to walk behind me. On the fourth time she inconvenienced me, I looked up to say something.
I had this whole speech on how rude she was being ready to spill from my lips but when I found her eyes, all words were lost in my smile. Hot. Very, very hot. Scorching even.
She let out a breath and said, "Its about time. I thought I was going to have to start stripping my wardrobe to get you to look up."
I laughed. The idea of her naked was more than a nice thought.
We had some coffee and a very interesting conversation that went from quietly calm to extremely heated and back again. I liked her. I think the rest of you will too. Not like I'm planning on anything other than a few dates maybe, but she is cool. Definitely CLC material.
Well, we will be having dinner tomorrow night on Los Olas and maybe I will get to see her without the wardrobe. *evil laugh*
In other news...
I was at Borders the other day checking out what was new in the lesbian fiction department (which seems to have shrunk) and this woman walked past me a few times. I thought it was strange for her to pass between me and the shelf I was studying because there was plenty of room for her to walk behind me. On the fourth time she inconvenienced me, I looked up to say something.
I had this whole speech on how rude she was being ready to spill from my lips but when I found her eyes, all words were lost in my smile. Hot. Very, very hot. Scorching even.
She let out a breath and said, "Its about time. I thought I was going to have to start stripping my wardrobe to get you to look up."
I laughed. The idea of her naked was more than a nice thought.
We had some coffee and a very interesting conversation that went from quietly calm to extremely heated and back again. I liked her. I think the rest of you will too. Not like I'm planning on anything other than a few dates maybe, but she is cool. Definitely CLC material.
Well, we will be having dinner tomorrow night on Los Olas and maybe I will get to see her without the wardrobe. *evil laugh*
Friday, March 27, 2009
Glimpsed Rewind
Laney comes back from tour in ten days. Count them with me. 1...2...3... Its going to be ten excruciating days.
I think the last I wrote, I was going to surprise her at a few of her shows. The first one I showed up at was in Athens, Georgia. Some dive that I can't remember the name of. I stood in the corner and watched my girl do her thing. God, how I love to watch her. She looked as beautiful as ever up there beating the shit out of those drums. Except, one thing was missing. Her sexy ass smile.
When her set ended, they all made their way backstage. I snuck past the militant psycho guard guy and waited in the shadows. I nearly jumped out of my skin when my cell rang. It was her. She sounded so sad, my heart was breaking with every word.
Laney: Hey baby. I miss you.
Me: (I was staring right at her, she was sitting against the back wall smoking a cigarette) I miss you too. How was the show?
Laney: I think we did okay. (She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead.) I really have no idea how we did. It was like I was going through the motions but I really wasn't here.
Me: Well, where were you, baby?
Laney: (A smile consumed her face as she held her eyes closed tight.) I was with you. On the beach behind Starr's house. And you were telling me that you love me.
As she kept her eyes closed, I moved through the crowd and knelt down beside her. I closed my phone and whispered, "I love you," in her ear.
She knocked me to the floor with her hug and kiss and I knew I made the right decision.
I stayed with her until the end of last month. And this has been the longest month of my life. Starr, Speed...I'm thinking of asking her to move in with me. What do you two think?
I think the last I wrote, I was going to surprise her at a few of her shows. The first one I showed up at was in Athens, Georgia. Some dive that I can't remember the name of. I stood in the corner and watched my girl do her thing. God, how I love to watch her. She looked as beautiful as ever up there beating the shit out of those drums. Except, one thing was missing. Her sexy ass smile.
When her set ended, they all made their way backstage. I snuck past the militant psycho guard guy and waited in the shadows. I nearly jumped out of my skin when my cell rang. It was her. She sounded so sad, my heart was breaking with every word.
Laney: Hey baby. I miss you.
Me: (I was staring right at her, she was sitting against the back wall smoking a cigarette) I miss you too. How was the show?
Laney: I think we did okay. (She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead.) I really have no idea how we did. It was like I was going through the motions but I really wasn't here.
Me: Well, where were you, baby?
Laney: (A smile consumed her face as she held her eyes closed tight.) I was with you. On the beach behind Starr's house. And you were telling me that you love me.
As she kept her eyes closed, I moved through the crowd and knelt down beside her. I closed my phone and whispered, "I love you," in her ear.
She knocked me to the floor with her hug and kiss and I knew I made the right decision.
I stayed with her until the end of last month. And this has been the longest month of my life. Starr, Speed...I'm thinking of asking her to move in with me. What do you two think?
Monday, March 23, 2009
Recap
Dawn patrol was a blast. Thanks, ladies, for a hysterically fun and funny time. Bruiser, I will never forget the look on that guys face when you told him to suck your dick. It was priceless. And Walker...you made out with his girl! Score: 1 for the lesbians.
Kay went with us. Its actually the first time she has ever hung out with the CLC crew. She is as sweet as Peace and a sick surfer. They have waves in New York? Hah! I think anywhere has bigger waves than the ripples we've got today.
We joked with her all day but she knew we were joking. She has the perfect sense of humor to hang with our group. I think she's actually a bigger smart ass than Walker.
Peace...it is unanimous! We love her!
I just finished an article for a paper that shall remain nameless. Its a little controversial and the editor loved it. I think he might be just as crazy as me. I might just have to do a hate mail tally on this one. I'm sure its going to piss people off.
But....that's what I love about writing!
Oh. and surfxracer...plans for a road trip are in the works sister!
Kay went with us. Its actually the first time she has ever hung out with the CLC crew. She is as sweet as Peace and a sick surfer. They have waves in New York? Hah! I think anywhere has bigger waves than the ripples we've got today.
We joked with her all day but she knew we were joking. She has the perfect sense of humor to hang with our group. I think she's actually a bigger smart ass than Walker.
Peace...it is unanimous! We love her!
I just finished an article for a paper that shall remain nameless. Its a little controversial and the editor loved it. I think he might be just as crazy as me. I might just have to do a hate mail tally on this one. I'm sure its going to piss people off.
But....that's what I love about writing!
Oh. and surfxracer...plans for a road trip are in the works sister!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Peaceful
I really can't believe its been so long since I lasted posted. I think we all got caught up in our lives and it seemed so much easier to just call Starr, our Guru of sorts, when things got crazy. And things did get crazy.
Dimes surprised us all. And Candy is so squeaky clean. And Walker didn't walk. And Bruiser stood her ground. And Starr, well, she held us all together through everything. And now...Speed is back, at least online and the only one missing is Jinx. And of course, J, Speeds girl. Now that we have Speed, aka surfxracer, writing her own blog, I'm sure we will all start writing in here again. It helps us feel connected.
I think I left off with the first night that me and Kay slept together after finding each other again. I remember I was uncomfortable and just couldn't relax. It was kind of weird after that. Though I talked with Kay on the phone a lot, I didn't see her again until about two weeks later. I needed to think so I spent a ton of time at the ocean. The best place to think.
I had this internal struggle going on...half of me wanted to be with her and the other half was scared to death. And the scared part was telling me to run as fast as I could. I was torn, so torn.
But then, it hit me like a shovel in the cartoons and this huge knot formed on top of my head that ended up being the best logic I had come up with through it all. We never really had our chance. It was ripped away from us right in the middle of its blossoming beauty. There was no way to get around it...I loved her. And when I saw her again, I realized that I was still in love with her.
As much as the pain and confusion of the past clouded me, she went through it too. She felt it all too. If I didn't let us have this chance to finally see what we could have become, I would have cheated her too.
We talked about it all. We cried and shared the pain of that night together for the first time. And pain it was. Even talking about made my face sting like her mom had hit me again. But that was nothing compared to what both her parents did to her.
Now, we are together and honestly, I have never been so happy in all my life. And things, things that we shared before, they all came back. We've dealt with the bad and revived the good.
I always knew she was the love of my life.
Dimes surprised us all. And Candy is so squeaky clean. And Walker didn't walk. And Bruiser stood her ground. And Starr, well, she held us all together through everything. And now...Speed is back, at least online and the only one missing is Jinx. And of course, J, Speeds girl. Now that we have Speed, aka surfxracer, writing her own blog, I'm sure we will all start writing in here again. It helps us feel connected.
I think I left off with the first night that me and Kay slept together after finding each other again. I remember I was uncomfortable and just couldn't relax. It was kind of weird after that. Though I talked with Kay on the phone a lot, I didn't see her again until about two weeks later. I needed to think so I spent a ton of time at the ocean. The best place to think.
I had this internal struggle going on...half of me wanted to be with her and the other half was scared to death. And the scared part was telling me to run as fast as I could. I was torn, so torn.
But then, it hit me like a shovel in the cartoons and this huge knot formed on top of my head that ended up being the best logic I had come up with through it all. We never really had our chance. It was ripped away from us right in the middle of its blossoming beauty. There was no way to get around it...I loved her. And when I saw her again, I realized that I was still in love with her.
As much as the pain and confusion of the past clouded me, she went through it too. She felt it all too. If I didn't let us have this chance to finally see what we could have become, I would have cheated her too.
We talked about it all. We cried and shared the pain of that night together for the first time. And pain it was. Even talking about made my face sting like her mom had hit me again. But that was nothing compared to what both her parents did to her.
Now, we are together and honestly, I have never been so happy in all my life. And things, things that we shared before, they all came back. We've dealt with the bad and revived the good.
I always knew she was the love of my life.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Bruiser
We gotta keep Speed up to speed, haha.
Things got pretty crazy for a while with Amber. She, well...for a while I really thought that she was beyond help. She was stalking me and shit. But, after extensive, uh, whatever a shrink does to you, she finally calmed down.
We have been talking but I don't see us getting back together anytime soon.
Really, surfxracer, you are missing some great surf down here. We're doing dawn patrol at the inlet tomorrow. Wish you were here...
Things got pretty crazy for a while with Amber. She, well...for a while I really thought that she was beyond help. She was stalking me and shit. But, after extensive, uh, whatever a shrink does to you, she finally calmed down.
We have been talking but I don't see us getting back together anytime soon.
Really, surfxracer, you are missing some great surf down here. We're doing dawn patrol at the inlet tomorrow. Wish you were here...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
My turn to update
Since Speed asked, here's the update. No, I'm no longer with Val. She said she wanted more and broke up with me not too long ago. I'm okay. We are still friends, sort of. Its awkward but what in life and love isn't at times.
I didn't love her and I think she knew it.
So now, I'm enjoying the single life...again.
As far as the rest of the crew, I will let them update this thing. There has been some exciting new changes that I think they should tell.
Speed, I'm so glad that you signed up for this blogger thing. Reading what you write kind of makes me feel a little closer to you. We do miss you.
I didn't love her and I think she knew it.
So now, I'm enjoying the single life...again.
As far as the rest of the crew, I will let them update this thing. There has been some exciting new changes that I think they should tell.
Speed, I'm so glad that you signed up for this blogger thing. Reading what you write kind of makes me feel a little closer to you. We do miss you.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Speed is back!
A little while back, I think I wrote about another member of the Crazy Lesbian Circus that was going to contribute here. She still might contribute, but our friend Speed aka surfxracer has her own blog now.
She is an original member so if we still have any readers left, check her out. She is a very talented writer, and amazing artist, and a phenomenal musician. Hey, and we share a name. Even though I still claim its mine...ha ha.
She is an original member so if we still have any readers left, check her out. She is a very talented writer, and amazing artist, and a phenomenal musician. Hey, and we share a name. Even though I still claim its mine...ha ha.
Monday, February 9, 2009
And the clock starts now...
Amber...is a pain in my ass. I'm glad that she's out of her so called rehab and is done with her anger management stuff but I've tried every nice way I could think of to get her to leave me alone. She doesn't seem to understand that I need time.
Time for myself for a change. No, I'm not out screwing every girl I meet or anything like that. I just need space to think about...things. Like if I still love her. If I still want to be with her. Things.
I really hate to say this because I used to think it was so pathetic to say....but I know I love her, I just don't know if I'm still in love with her. Yeah, in love with her. She was a big part of my life for a very long time and, even though she was violent towards me, I know I still love her. But its not the same...everything has changed.
Starr says that everything happens for a reason. So, I've been looking for the reason that after all these years of me begging, she finally gets help when I'm at the point of wanting nothing to do with her anymore.
Is the reason because I'm supposed to get back with her? Or is it because I needed to leave her to save her life? Or to fix her for the next woman that came a long?
Maybe I'm just over thinking everything.
Starr told me to just listen my heart. I told her that I listened to my heart for years and look where it got me.
I know its strange, but all of this makes me feel so damn weak. I feel useless. She broke my heart over and over again every single time she hit me. And I always ended up back in her bed believing her lies of changing. How do I know this isn't another one of her lies? How? My heart isn't talking to me anymore. So, honestly, I have no idea what it says.
This fucking sucks!
Time for myself for a change. No, I'm not out screwing every girl I meet or anything like that. I just need space to think about...things. Like if I still love her. If I still want to be with her. Things.
I really hate to say this because I used to think it was so pathetic to say....but I know I love her, I just don't know if I'm still in love with her. Yeah, in love with her. She was a big part of my life for a very long time and, even though she was violent towards me, I know I still love her. But its not the same...everything has changed.
Starr says that everything happens for a reason. So, I've been looking for the reason that after all these years of me begging, she finally gets help when I'm at the point of wanting nothing to do with her anymore.
Is the reason because I'm supposed to get back with her? Or is it because I needed to leave her to save her life? Or to fix her for the next woman that came a long?
Maybe I'm just over thinking everything.
Starr told me to just listen my heart. I told her that I listened to my heart for years and look where it got me.
I know its strange, but all of this makes me feel so damn weak. I feel useless. She broke my heart over and over again every single time she hit me. And I always ended up back in her bed believing her lies of changing. How do I know this isn't another one of her lies? How? My heart isn't talking to me anymore. So, honestly, I have no idea what it says.
This fucking sucks!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I think she knows
I think Val is on to me. No matter which way I look at it, I still don't love her. I hate to say it, but she is not enough. Together we are not enough. I hate feeling like there's something missing. I hate needing so much more than what we have. She is such a great woman but...
She asked me to move in with her again and again I told her no. When she asked me why, I told her the truth. I just don't feel like we have made it to that part of our relationship.
Starr, I swear I'm not walking but what do I do when there is nothing there? I can't force myself to feel something for her. I care and enjoy being with her but there isn't much else there. I think that I have given this plenty of time to become something more. I'm not asking your permission to leave her, I just want you to tell me that I've done all I can. My reputation isn't the best in these serious relationships and I'm somewhat confused.
Call me tomorrow, Starr, if I don't call you first.
I miss everybody! Where have you all been?
She asked me to move in with her again and again I told her no. When she asked me why, I told her the truth. I just don't feel like we have made it to that part of our relationship.
Starr, I swear I'm not walking but what do I do when there is nothing there? I can't force myself to feel something for her. I care and enjoy being with her but there isn't much else there. I think that I have given this plenty of time to become something more. I'm not asking your permission to leave her, I just want you to tell me that I've done all I can. My reputation isn't the best in these serious relationships and I'm somewhat confused.
Call me tomorrow, Starr, if I don't call you first.
I miss everybody! Where have you all been?
Monday, January 26, 2009
I'm back
Yeah, I'm back...so hide your chickens and cook the children. Ha ha.
I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty strong too. I had no idea how bad I was. Thank all of you...Starr, Bruiser, Walker, Peace, and Dimes...for helping me so much. For being there when I really needed you. For everything all of you have done. I love you all to death.
So, now I have to apologize for all the times I wouldn't listen to you guys. All those times I told you to fuck off. All the times I've hurt you all. You still stuck by me and tried to help. I am so sorry for all the hell I may have put any and all of you through. (Most of it I can't remember.)
I made a promise and I intend to keep it. I didn't realize how much I loved Ash until I almost lost her. I know now that I can't live without her. She saved my life.
I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty strong too. I had no idea how bad I was. Thank all of you...Starr, Bruiser, Walker, Peace, and Dimes...for helping me so much. For being there when I really needed you. For everything all of you have done. I love you all to death.
So, now I have to apologize for all the times I wouldn't listen to you guys. All those times I told you to fuck off. All the times I've hurt you all. You still stuck by me and tried to help. I am so sorry for all the hell I may have put any and all of you through. (Most of it I can't remember.)
I made a promise and I intend to keep it. I didn't realize how much I loved Ash until I almost lost her. I know now that I can't live without her. She saved my life.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tempted
First off, I haven't done anything yet.
Val has been driving me nuts since we got back from her parents. She has really been pushing me to move in with her. I'm not ready. Period.
So, I've noticed that we either skipped right to, uh what do they call it? Lesbian bed death, I think or Val thinks that if she doesn't sleep with me, that I'll give in and move in with her. Not going to happen.
But now I'm freaked. I have never...I mean never...cheated on any woman I have ever been with. Lately, I've been thinking about it. A lot. I feel a lecture from Starr coming on. But I have. And with each passing day, the thoughts get stronger.
So I talked to her. Told her that I was missing our intimacy. Told her that I really needed to feel that connection again. She said she was sorry. That she had been stressed and such.
Did we have sex? Nope. I can't even get her to make out with me.
Then I thought...maybe this is her way of trying to get rid of me. I am Walker. I walk away from all sticky situations. She knows my rep. But, I swore that I wasn't walking this time. I really like her.
I'm putting my foot down. If she wants me to stay, she has to show me in some way. Even a make out session would work. If she wants me to go, she has to tell me.
Maybe I'll just tell her about my feelings of cheating on her.
Hmm.
Val has been driving me nuts since we got back from her parents. She has really been pushing me to move in with her. I'm not ready. Period.
So, I've noticed that we either skipped right to, uh what do they call it? Lesbian bed death, I think or Val thinks that if she doesn't sleep with me, that I'll give in and move in with her. Not going to happen.
But now I'm freaked. I have never...I mean never...cheated on any woman I have ever been with. Lately, I've been thinking about it. A lot. I feel a lecture from Starr coming on. But I have. And with each passing day, the thoughts get stronger.
So I talked to her. Told her that I was missing our intimacy. Told her that I really needed to feel that connection again. She said she was sorry. That she had been stressed and such.
Did we have sex? Nope. I can't even get her to make out with me.
Then I thought...maybe this is her way of trying to get rid of me. I am Walker. I walk away from all sticky situations. She knows my rep. But, I swore that I wasn't walking this time. I really like her.
I'm putting my foot down. If she wants me to stay, she has to show me in some way. Even a make out session would work. If she wants me to go, she has to tell me.
Maybe I'll just tell her about my feelings of cheating on her.
Hmm.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Where the time goes
Candy is home! And she is looking better than ever. We are so proud of her and will continue to support her because we know it will be an ongoing struggle for her. She is happy to be back with Ash and they are planning to get married. We have never been happier for her.
Dimes took a road trip. Her heart couldn't beat without Laney. It feels strange to type that, and if you knew Dimes, you would know exactly why.
Bruiser has been going through some technical difficulties. I promised I would say no more about her situation. She promised to update as soon as she cleared her head.
Walker...she really needs to write in here. That's all I will say on that one.
Our lovely resident artist, Peace is going through a strange time. A time where her past and future is colliding at full speed and she's stuck in the middle. All I can tell her is to hold on. The turbulence will subside. She is having to deal with a lot of old demons and work through some fears but I think she is going to be just fine. Maggie was a great woman for stepping back and away. She did it very carefully to. (Peace is fragile to an extent.) And I recently met Kay. What a beautiful woman. Its sad, the way her parents treated her. And are still treating her for that matter. But she is very strong. I like her.
As for me...my break ended the day I spent from sun up until sun down on the beach. I did some soul surfing and found another story to tell. I've been writing so much that I've been losing all track of time and going for days without sleep. I know its not healthy but my muse is relentless.
Grandma has been hanging out with me from time to time. Its so strange that she is my flesh and blood and I barely know her. So much of our lives together were lost and will most likely never be fully recovered. But it is nice to have "family" again. No offense to my lesbian family that I love more than life.
I'll try to keep more updates. Walker, Bruiser, Peace...keep it flowing.
Dimes took a road trip. Her heart couldn't beat without Laney. It feels strange to type that, and if you knew Dimes, you would know exactly why.
Bruiser has been going through some technical difficulties. I promised I would say no more about her situation. She promised to update as soon as she cleared her head.
Walker...she really needs to write in here. That's all I will say on that one.
Our lovely resident artist, Peace is going through a strange time. A time where her past and future is colliding at full speed and she's stuck in the middle. All I can tell her is to hold on. The turbulence will subside. She is having to deal with a lot of old demons and work through some fears but I think she is going to be just fine. Maggie was a great woman for stepping back and away. She did it very carefully to. (Peace is fragile to an extent.) And I recently met Kay. What a beautiful woman. Its sad, the way her parents treated her. And are still treating her for that matter. But she is very strong. I like her.
As for me...my break ended the day I spent from sun up until sun down on the beach. I did some soul surfing and found another story to tell. I've been writing so much that I've been losing all track of time and going for days without sleep. I know its not healthy but my muse is relentless.
Grandma has been hanging out with me from time to time. Its so strange that she is my flesh and blood and I barely know her. So much of our lives together were lost and will most likely never be fully recovered. But it is nice to have "family" again. No offense to my lesbian family that I love more than life.
I'll try to keep more updates. Walker, Bruiser, Peace...keep it flowing.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
What just happen?
I went out with Kay last night. We were just going to hang out. You know...dinner, a walk, and then some talking. Well we did that. Then the conversation went back to the last night we had together.
And then she kissed me. I'm sure I don't have to tell you where it went after that.
The crazy part is...I'm confused on how I feel about what we did. Don't get me wrong, the sex was amazing but...I don't know. It was so different than what I expected. Granted, we are adults now and we both have had other experiences but it somehow threw me back. And I was afraid. Like her mother was going to walk in at any moment.
Like I was going to end up on the sidewalk, half naked and bleeding.
I couldn't relax. And she could tell.
She says that she would like us to have a second chance. And I feel like there is something wrong with me because I can't let go of that horrible scene with her mother and somehow, that is holding me back from being with her.
There is something wrong with me...isn't there.
And then she kissed me. I'm sure I don't have to tell you where it went after that.
The crazy part is...I'm confused on how I feel about what we did. Don't get me wrong, the sex was amazing but...I don't know. It was so different than what I expected. Granted, we are adults now and we both have had other experiences but it somehow threw me back. And I was afraid. Like her mother was going to walk in at any moment.
Like I was going to end up on the sidewalk, half naked and bleeding.
I couldn't relax. And she could tell.
She says that she would like us to have a second chance. And I feel like there is something wrong with me because I can't let go of that horrible scene with her mother and somehow, that is holding me back from being with her.
There is something wrong with me...isn't there.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Thunder rolls
Come one, come all! Its the greatest Circus of them all. That's right, freaks and frights. Its the Crazy Lesbian Circus and its creepy tonight!
Amber is my nightmare. I see her when I close my eyes. I see her when I'm pulling apart engines. I see her in my coffee. She is driving me nuts and she's still in the IDrinkTooMuchAndBeatOnThePeopleThatLoveMe House. I haven't accepted any of her calls since the one I wrote about and now she is haunting me.
I'm not kidding. I haven't slept a full night since that fucking phone call. When I close my eyes, she's in my face. Breathing down my neck. Calling me names. Balling up her fists. Swinging bottles.
This is the sad part. Its only a figment of my imagination and I still can't hit her back!
I'm fucked.
Amber is my nightmare. I see her when I close my eyes. I see her when I'm pulling apart engines. I see her in my coffee. She is driving me nuts and she's still in the IDrinkTooMuchAndBeatOnThePeopleThatLoveMe House. I haven't accepted any of her calls since the one I wrote about and now she is haunting me.
I'm not kidding. I haven't slept a full night since that fucking phone call. When I close my eyes, she's in my face. Breathing down my neck. Calling me names. Balling up her fists. Swinging bottles.
This is the sad part. Its only a figment of my imagination and I still can't hit her back!
I'm fucked.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Well...
On Maggie's assumption that me and Kay needed to see if there was still anything between us, I've been spending a lot of time with Kay.
She gave me the letters that she wrote to me that her school never sent. There were about twenty of them. I read them all and they made me cry. They brought back so many memories.
We had been friends for a long time before we figured out we had other feelings for each other. She was my first on many levels. We had so much fun together back then. We'd skip school and go on surfing adventures or spend the summer in our own imaginary world. She was always so creative in the imagination area and I was always able to bring her imagination to life through my drawings or photographs.
But we have changed. We've grown up and we've lost a lot of what made us "us" back then. Be it through the pain of our separation or the effort to move on.
Its like I knew something like this was going to happen. Like I predicted that my life would be turned upside down and hit reverse. I just wish I would have thought about it more.
Since Maggie made the decision for us to break up, I am making the decision to stay calm, cool, and relaxed about all of this. I will not run back to Maggie and I will not rush into anything with Kay. I'm just going to sit back and take a breather. Let things happen without any hope.
Well...?
She gave me the letters that she wrote to me that her school never sent. There were about twenty of them. I read them all and they made me cry. They brought back so many memories.
We had been friends for a long time before we figured out we had other feelings for each other. She was my first on many levels. We had so much fun together back then. We'd skip school and go on surfing adventures or spend the summer in our own imaginary world. She was always so creative in the imagination area and I was always able to bring her imagination to life through my drawings or photographs.
But we have changed. We've grown up and we've lost a lot of what made us "us" back then. Be it through the pain of our separation or the effort to move on.
Its like I knew something like this was going to happen. Like I predicted that my life would be turned upside down and hit reverse. I just wish I would have thought about it more.
Since Maggie made the decision for us to break up, I am making the decision to stay calm, cool, and relaxed about all of this. I will not run back to Maggie and I will not rush into anything with Kay. I'm just going to sit back and take a breather. Let things happen without any hope.
Well...?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
This love thing
Its official...this love thing sucks. Laney has only been gone nine days and I'm going crazy without her. I can't sleep. I can't think. I haven't even left my house. All I want to do is hear her voice. So I wait. I wait for her to call. And I play the saved messages I have of her over and over again.
It sucks.
So I think I'm going to take a road trip. Her band is going to be in Georgia, Tennessee, then North Carolina before they head west. I'm thinking I might just have to go see her.
Or maybe not....arrgggh! I don't fucking know.
It sucks.
So I think I'm going to take a road trip. Her band is going to be in Georgia, Tennessee, then North Carolina before they head west. I'm thinking I might just have to go see her.
Or maybe not....arrgggh! I don't fucking know.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Update on Candy
Candy has been...well, she's getting better. If I'm not mistaken, she gets out in six days. Ash has been filling me in here and there, when she hears something.
As her group of friends, all of us Crazy Lesbian Circus girls went to see a counselor at the facility she's in. It was the doctors request. None of us objected.
It was kind of cool. They told us the do's and don'ts of how to be when Candy gets out. Success of recovery depends on the support around her and I think I can speak for all the Circus girls when I say that we want her to stay clean. We want her and Ash to have a long, healthy, and clean life together.
I think that Candy finally realized that she had something to live for. So maybe her family is worthless...but us, we are her real family. We are the one's who stood by her throughout everything she's done these past few years and not one of us ever asked for anything in return.
And Ash...who knew that they loved each other so much.
Ash was at the meeting with us. She said that she was doing the drugs to try to get closer to Candy. That she thought that if she was doing what Candy was doing, then Candy would stop going to all the drug houses and disappearing for days and instead, stay home with her to get high. It backfired and Ash got addicted and she started doing the same this Candy was doing. Staying out for days in places she could have been killed.
Anyway, we are trying to come up with a new name for Candy. One that has no reference to drugs. She will no longer be the Circus Junkie and we don't want anything to trigger her back into that life.
We are taking suggestions, so feel free to comment on this.
As her group of friends, all of us Crazy Lesbian Circus girls went to see a counselor at the facility she's in. It was the doctors request. None of us objected.
It was kind of cool. They told us the do's and don'ts of how to be when Candy gets out. Success of recovery depends on the support around her and I think I can speak for all the Circus girls when I say that we want her to stay clean. We want her and Ash to have a long, healthy, and clean life together.
I think that Candy finally realized that she had something to live for. So maybe her family is worthless...but us, we are her real family. We are the one's who stood by her throughout everything she's done these past few years and not one of us ever asked for anything in return.
And Ash...who knew that they loved each other so much.
Ash was at the meeting with us. She said that she was doing the drugs to try to get closer to Candy. That she thought that if she was doing what Candy was doing, then Candy would stop going to all the drug houses and disappearing for days and instead, stay home with her to get high. It backfired and Ash got addicted and she started doing the same this Candy was doing. Staying out for days in places she could have been killed.
Anyway, we are trying to come up with a new name for Candy. One that has no reference to drugs. She will no longer be the Circus Junkie and we don't want anything to trigger her back into that life.
We are taking suggestions, so feel free to comment on this.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Meet the parents
So yeah, I met the parents Christmas eve. They were...hmm.
They were kind of cool I guess. I think Val's dad is an amateur comedian. And some of the conversations I heard...crazy.
Her grandma was like...lets just say I thought I was caught in a scene from that movie "The Nutty Professor". You know, when the grandma is talking about relations. Val was embarrassed beyond belief and I still haven't stopped teasing her about it. If you could have seen her face when her grandmother starting talking about sexual positions...ha ha.
Her mom pulled me aside several times. Her questions were kind of mad. They were personal and things that I wouldn't share with anyone (except Starr maybe).
One of the one's that made me the maddest was when she asked me if I was in love with her daughter. Why would I tell her that if I haven't even said those words to her daughter? I told her that I didn't know yet, but when I did know, Val would be the first to know. She was kind of snotty to me for the rest of the night. Oh well.
Her dad and brothers were cool.
All in all, it was an okay trip. We got back early Christmas morning. Thank God because, if the girls haven't mentioned it yet, Starr's parties were fucking out of this world. I'm so glad that I didn't miss them. I so love her house.
Just so you know...the New Years party at the Bruisers was damn good too.
They were kind of cool I guess. I think Val's dad is an amateur comedian. And some of the conversations I heard...crazy.
Her grandma was like...lets just say I thought I was caught in a scene from that movie "The Nutty Professor". You know, when the grandma is talking about relations. Val was embarrassed beyond belief and I still haven't stopped teasing her about it. If you could have seen her face when her grandmother starting talking about sexual positions...ha ha.
Her mom pulled me aside several times. Her questions were kind of mad. They were personal and things that I wouldn't share with anyone (except Starr maybe).
One of the one's that made me the maddest was when she asked me if I was in love with her daughter. Why would I tell her that if I haven't even said those words to her daughter? I told her that I didn't know yet, but when I did know, Val would be the first to know. She was kind of snotty to me for the rest of the night. Oh well.
Her dad and brothers were cool.
All in all, it was an okay trip. We got back early Christmas morning. Thank God because, if the girls haven't mentioned it yet, Starr's parties were fucking out of this world. I'm so glad that I didn't miss them. I so love her house.
Just so you know...the New Years party at the Bruisers was damn good too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)