Maggie...broke up with me last night. She said its because I need to figure things out.
Figure what out you ask? Good question.
She claims that I am still in love with Kay. Then I said something that was pretty stupid on my part. In my defense, I was pretty emotionally fucked up at the time. I thought me and Maggie had a great relationship going.
Anyway, the stupid thing I said was...So what if I'm in love with her, I'm with you.
As soon as the last word exited my throat, I wanted to swallow my foot. That was cold and uncaring of me to say.
And honestly, I don't know if I love Kay. I did at one time. But it was such a short lived romance that was ripped away from both of us by monster parents. Hers not mine.
She's as beautiful as I remembered her. Uhg...listen to me. Maybe Maggie's right and I'm just too slow to realize it.
Oh well, I'm crashing from my sugar rush now. I think I'm gonna be sick.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Ghost of the past
The trip to the cemetery...was awful.
It reminded me how much I miss Aunt Joan. Not to mention that Christmas just passed. And Grandma, she took it hard. Aunt Joan was her second to oldest daughter. She said it killed her when I told her about her passing. I could tell. Not only did Grandma look her age, but she looked like she had been crying since we had our phone conversation. Maybe she is sincere, after all?
We spent more than an hour at the grave site. I told her stories of the final years of Aunt Joan's life. We laughed. We cried. We even argued, but it was nothing major.
Before we left, I stopped her at Skylar's grave and introduced them. Skylar's grave wasn't too far from Aunt Joan's. I think Aunt Joan planned it that way. She loved Skylar like she was her own. I know it sounds strange, but I wanted Grandma to know how important Skylar was and is in my life. When I told her what had happened, she cried with me and held me like she used to when I was a kid. Over dinner, I shared that part of my life with her. The part of my life that was so full of love and compassion. She said that I helped her see my life from a different point of view. Different from the hate and violence my family had always thought of it.
That's when I made the point that it was just that. My life. My love. My pain. My everything. And the way I planned on keeping it.
She promised that she understood. But then she begged for me to give her a chance. A chance to love me like she used to. A chance to be my family again. A chance to be Grandma. A chance to make up for all the years that had been taken away from both of us...by force, as she explained it.
I always knew my grandfather was a horrid man, but when she explained some of the things he had done and some of the things he wanted to do to me, I shook to my core. He really was plotting to kill me. Grandma swore she did everything in her power to keep that from happening. I told her that she did a great job, since I was still breathing. But I'm sure Aunt Joan had a thing or two to do with it too...she would have never told me. I was a kid for goodness sakes.
I won't show Grandma where I live just yet. Its sad, but I'm still having some trust issues with her. She said that my brother really wants to see me. God, I miss him so much. But I still don't know. We will have to just see how things go from here.
It reminded me how much I miss Aunt Joan. Not to mention that Christmas just passed. And Grandma, she took it hard. Aunt Joan was her second to oldest daughter. She said it killed her when I told her about her passing. I could tell. Not only did Grandma look her age, but she looked like she had been crying since we had our phone conversation. Maybe she is sincere, after all?
We spent more than an hour at the grave site. I told her stories of the final years of Aunt Joan's life. We laughed. We cried. We even argued, but it was nothing major.
Before we left, I stopped her at Skylar's grave and introduced them. Skylar's grave wasn't too far from Aunt Joan's. I think Aunt Joan planned it that way. She loved Skylar like she was her own. I know it sounds strange, but I wanted Grandma to know how important Skylar was and is in my life. When I told her what had happened, she cried with me and held me like she used to when I was a kid. Over dinner, I shared that part of my life with her. The part of my life that was so full of love and compassion. She said that I helped her see my life from a different point of view. Different from the hate and violence my family had always thought of it.
That's when I made the point that it was just that. My life. My love. My pain. My everything. And the way I planned on keeping it.
She promised that she understood. But then she begged for me to give her a chance. A chance to love me like she used to. A chance to be my family again. A chance to be Grandma. A chance to make up for all the years that had been taken away from both of us...by force, as she explained it.
I always knew my grandfather was a horrid man, but when she explained some of the things he had done and some of the things he wanted to do to me, I shook to my core. He really was plotting to kill me. Grandma swore she did everything in her power to keep that from happening. I told her that she did a great job, since I was still breathing. But I'm sure Aunt Joan had a thing or two to do with it too...she would have never told me. I was a kid for goodness sakes.
I won't show Grandma where I live just yet. Its sad, but I'm still having some trust issues with her. She said that my brother really wants to see me. God, I miss him so much. But I still don't know. We will have to just see how things go from here.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Beautifully Shaking
It was night three of the Christmas Beach Party. Starr's house was beautiful. The lights, the ocean, the women, the laughter.
Laney had been acting strange all day. My gift to her was an amazing tattoo, done by Rob. I told her to get anything she wanted. It was music notes and drum sticks and...my name that she wanted. It was absolutely beautiful.
We arrived at the party and she wouldn't let me go. I didn't mind, like I said, she is the only one I've been with since I met her. And honestly, she was the hottest women there.
Somewhere toward the end of the night, she asked me to walk with her along the beach. We left our shoes on the deck and walked along the ocean's edge. Star's were showering us with their light and the waves were like music to our ears. We stood for a while, my arms wrapped around her from behind, just watching the waves crash. She told me she wanted to tell me something, so we walked away from the shore so we could hear each other.
She was shaking, I remember, so I gave her my jacket. But it didn't stop her shaking. She kissed me with so much passion, I now believe in the knees getting weak saying. I felt it. I asked her what she wanted to tell me.
She says, "I want you to know...that I'm in love with you," in a purr just inches from my lips, staring into my eyes.
I had never been so scared to death in my life. And when the words of love I spoke passed through my lips, my body trembled. I told her that I was in love with her too and she smiled through her tears.
I thought that what was happening between us before was what making love was...but I was wrong.
It was like we were touching each other for the first time. Everything felt brand new. She tasted sweeter. The kisses were deeper. There was an absolute meaning behind everything we did. And...we became the ocean and the stars and the wind and the sand beneath us as we moved into each other.
She held my heart and soul in her hands and I know she was just as scared as I was. And it was beautiful. She was beautiful. We were beautiful.
Oh, yeah...life is beautiful. Beautifully.
Laney had been acting strange all day. My gift to her was an amazing tattoo, done by Rob. I told her to get anything she wanted. It was music notes and drum sticks and...my name that she wanted. It was absolutely beautiful.
We arrived at the party and she wouldn't let me go. I didn't mind, like I said, she is the only one I've been with since I met her. And honestly, she was the hottest women there.
Somewhere toward the end of the night, she asked me to walk with her along the beach. We left our shoes on the deck and walked along the ocean's edge. Star's were showering us with their light and the waves were like music to our ears. We stood for a while, my arms wrapped around her from behind, just watching the waves crash. She told me she wanted to tell me something, so we walked away from the shore so we could hear each other.
She was shaking, I remember, so I gave her my jacket. But it didn't stop her shaking. She kissed me with so much passion, I now believe in the knees getting weak saying. I felt it. I asked her what she wanted to tell me.
She says, "I want you to know...that I'm in love with you," in a purr just inches from my lips, staring into my eyes.
I had never been so scared to death in my life. And when the words of love I spoke passed through my lips, my body trembled. I told her that I was in love with her too and she smiled through her tears.
I thought that what was happening between us before was what making love was...but I was wrong.
It was like we were touching each other for the first time. Everything felt brand new. She tasted sweeter. The kisses were deeper. There was an absolute meaning behind everything we did. And...we became the ocean and the stars and the wind and the sand beneath us as we moved into each other.
She held my heart and soul in her hands and I know she was just as scared as I was. And it was beautiful. She was beautiful. We were beautiful.
Oh, yeah...life is beautiful. Beautifully.
Family and such
For all to know...the Christmas Beach Party was a smash again! Literally. My sliding glass doors will never be the same. Thank you to all my Circus Freak Lesbians for helping me pull off such an amazing event. Still didn't feel like Christmas though...but such is life.
Back to the family thing. So yeah, grandma called. Said that grandpa was the one keeping her from me. But I always say, no one can keep you from what you want except yourself. I really feel that if she wanted to find me she could have. Same with my sister and cousins and so on. I did have one cousin that I ran into a few years back...but she ignored me when I said hello. That's about the time I said fuck all of them. I had my Aunt Joan and that was all that mattered to me.
Aunt Joan was an amazing woman. Strong with a very clear, free mind. She marched with me at Pride festivals and stood up for me in front of government institutions. She was a strong fighter for women's rights and fair and equal treatment for all. She loved me unconditionally and lost all of her family when she took me in.
I was fifteen and alone on the streets of Ft. Lauderdale. She hunted for me for weeks before she found me. Honestly, I was hiding from her...I had originally thought that she was like the rest of my family and wanted to find me so she could beat the gay out of me. She snuck up on me when I was sleeping and cried as she held me, telling me how much she loved me and that I was going home with her.
There was a big court battle but Aunt Joan (who was a lawyer) won hands down. And that was the last time we saw any of our family. We tried to keep the family together but they didn't want anything to do with us. They would change their numbers, move, and my mother even took my siblings out of their schools. It was stupid and childish if you ask me. All because I was a lesbian.
So grandma says that it was grandpa's views that kept our family from us. She said that when mom called her to tell them that I was gay, grandpa told her to get rid of me. (And he didn't mean kick me out.) My dad's family was the same way. I was the huge disgrace to my family and didn't deserve to live. So, when Aunt Joan adopted me, she let me change my name to anything I wanted. I changed it to hers. (She was married once and had a different last name than the rest of the so called family.) I didn't want any part of the people who didn't want me. I was glad to rid myself of their name.
I asked grandma why she didn't even show up to her own daughters funeral. She explained that she didn't know she had passed and the tears I heard her cry sounded sincere. I had done some research and found grandma's number. I remember I had left a message. She told me that grandpa probably got the message and deleted it before she could hear it. She told me that if she would have known, she would have done everything she could to have been there. Truth or tale? I have no idea.
So I agreed to meet with her. We meet today, in about an hour and a half. I'm taking her to the cemetery. I will know some truth by the way she reacts.
Wish me luck!
Back to the family thing. So yeah, grandma called. Said that grandpa was the one keeping her from me. But I always say, no one can keep you from what you want except yourself. I really feel that if she wanted to find me she could have. Same with my sister and cousins and so on. I did have one cousin that I ran into a few years back...but she ignored me when I said hello. That's about the time I said fuck all of them. I had my Aunt Joan and that was all that mattered to me.
Aunt Joan was an amazing woman. Strong with a very clear, free mind. She marched with me at Pride festivals and stood up for me in front of government institutions. She was a strong fighter for women's rights and fair and equal treatment for all. She loved me unconditionally and lost all of her family when she took me in.
I was fifteen and alone on the streets of Ft. Lauderdale. She hunted for me for weeks before she found me. Honestly, I was hiding from her...I had originally thought that she was like the rest of my family and wanted to find me so she could beat the gay out of me. She snuck up on me when I was sleeping and cried as she held me, telling me how much she loved me and that I was going home with her.
There was a big court battle but Aunt Joan (who was a lawyer) won hands down. And that was the last time we saw any of our family. We tried to keep the family together but they didn't want anything to do with us. They would change their numbers, move, and my mother even took my siblings out of their schools. It was stupid and childish if you ask me. All because I was a lesbian.
So grandma says that it was grandpa's views that kept our family from us. She said that when mom called her to tell them that I was gay, grandpa told her to get rid of me. (And he didn't mean kick me out.) My dad's family was the same way. I was the huge disgrace to my family and didn't deserve to live. So, when Aunt Joan adopted me, she let me change my name to anything I wanted. I changed it to hers. (She was married once and had a different last name than the rest of the so called family.) I didn't want any part of the people who didn't want me. I was glad to rid myself of their name.
I asked grandma why she didn't even show up to her own daughters funeral. She explained that she didn't know she had passed and the tears I heard her cry sounded sincere. I had done some research and found grandma's number. I remember I had left a message. She told me that grandpa probably got the message and deleted it before she could hear it. She told me that if she would have known, she would have done everything she could to have been there. Truth or tale? I have no idea.
So I agreed to meet with her. We meet today, in about an hour and a half. I'm taking her to the cemetery. I will know some truth by the way she reacts.
Wish me luck!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Wrap up
The Christmas night parties were completely outrageous. Put it this way...there are still people here trying to sober up. (Well, from last nights party and tonights party is about to start. Hey, its a tradition!) We all missed Candy, but she is where she needs to be right now.
I won't say exactly where, but I do live on the beach. And in my back yard there are sand dunes (kind of) before you get to the ocean. The funniest part of the night was when we all tried to snow board the sand dunes. If I remember correctly, Walker actually made it all the way down. At least I think it was Walker. Christmas in Florida...we made the best of it.
I talked with my grandmother for the first time in maybe fifteen years. She called me out of the blue. At first I thought that someone was trying to fool me into thinking it was her. (I had already started drinking *shrug*.) But it was really her.
We talked for over an hour. I sobered up real quick. She says she wants to be back in my life. Her and my parents disowned me when they found out I was a lesbian. Actually, all of my family disowned me and they did the same to the Aunt who took me in.
And when my Aunt died, not one of them showed up to her funeral. They didn't even send a card nor return my calls to acknowledge my sadness. They were downright rude and cold.
So when she asked if she could be in my life, I first said no! Hell no! (I was drunk, mind you.) I asked her why now? After all these years, why does she want to be a part of my life? She said that she never wanted to not be a part of my life. She said that grandpa wouldn't let her reach out to me. And that's when she told me that he died...six months ago. And she had been trying to find me ever since.
I also found out that I'm an aunt. My youngest brother has two boys and my sister has three girls. I can't really blame my brother. He was so young when I left and I knew he didn't understand what was happening. But my sister was older than me by a year. If she wanted to, she could have found me as soon as she left the grip of my parents.
So there is really a lot to write about this conversation. I'll save it for later. Tonight is part three of the Christmas party and the guests are arriving. But I will explain...hopefully when my head isn't so scattered.
Hope everyone had a great Christmas!
I won't say exactly where, but I do live on the beach. And in my back yard there are sand dunes (kind of) before you get to the ocean. The funniest part of the night was when we all tried to snow board the sand dunes. If I remember correctly, Walker actually made it all the way down. At least I think it was Walker. Christmas in Florida...we made the best of it.
I talked with my grandmother for the first time in maybe fifteen years. She called me out of the blue. At first I thought that someone was trying to fool me into thinking it was her. (I had already started drinking *shrug*.) But it was really her.
We talked for over an hour. I sobered up real quick. She says she wants to be back in my life. Her and my parents disowned me when they found out I was a lesbian. Actually, all of my family disowned me and they did the same to the Aunt who took me in.
And when my Aunt died, not one of them showed up to her funeral. They didn't even send a card nor return my calls to acknowledge my sadness. They were downright rude and cold.
So when she asked if she could be in my life, I first said no! Hell no! (I was drunk, mind you.) I asked her why now? After all these years, why does she want to be a part of my life? She said that she never wanted to not be a part of my life. She said that grandpa wouldn't let her reach out to me. And that's when she told me that he died...six months ago. And she had been trying to find me ever since.
I also found out that I'm an aunt. My youngest brother has two boys and my sister has three girls. I can't really blame my brother. He was so young when I left and I knew he didn't understand what was happening. But my sister was older than me by a year. If she wanted to, she could have found me as soon as she left the grip of my parents.
So there is really a lot to write about this conversation. I'll save it for later. Tonight is part three of the Christmas party and the guests are arriving. But I will explain...hopefully when my head isn't so scattered.
Hope everyone had a great Christmas!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Wasting time
You know, I was thinking (yes I do think) about how this time of year can be great for most or horrid for some. Great for those who will be able to spend the holidays with loved they haven't seen all year. Or maybe even great because you finally get that day or two off that you have been needing since the holiday rush started. Whatever the reason, its great for those people.
But the ones who, I don't know, may have recently lost a loved one. Or have bad memories of Christmas. Or have no other reason than that you just hate the commercialization of the holiday. Such a bad, bad day for you.
For me...I can't really say that I hate it or love it. I guess I'm somewhere in between. Honestly, I haven't really celebrated Christmas since my aunt died. Not like I used to at least. She was my closest relative and the one who took me in after my parents threw me out. She really loved the day. We would spend hours decorating the house, inside and out. Complete with eggnog and cookies and Christmas music blaring throughout the house. She really knew the meaning of Christmas and she did her best to spread the word to everyone she could. I once asked her why she loved the holiday so much and she told me that it was because, "Christmas is the one day out of the entire year that most people show each other how much they care. Even if its a stranger in the street. Everyone seems to have a little bit more compassion. Not to mention, its a great day to just hang out with friends and get drunk."
She was funny like that. And I miss her so much sometimes. And even though she isn't with us any longer, I still celebrate the day. I spend the day with my friends that I consider my family. I show a little extra compassion to strangers and get drunk with my friends. And at the end of the day, I raise my glass to her and thank her for all the great Christmas days we spent together.
But the ones who, I don't know, may have recently lost a loved one. Or have bad memories of Christmas. Or have no other reason than that you just hate the commercialization of the holiday. Such a bad, bad day for you.
For me...I can't really say that I hate it or love it. I guess I'm somewhere in between. Honestly, I haven't really celebrated Christmas since my aunt died. Not like I used to at least. She was my closest relative and the one who took me in after my parents threw me out. She really loved the day. We would spend hours decorating the house, inside and out. Complete with eggnog and cookies and Christmas music blaring throughout the house. She really knew the meaning of Christmas and she did her best to spread the word to everyone she could. I once asked her why she loved the holiday so much and she told me that it was because, "Christmas is the one day out of the entire year that most people show each other how much they care. Even if its a stranger in the street. Everyone seems to have a little bit more compassion. Not to mention, its a great day to just hang out with friends and get drunk."
She was funny like that. And I miss her so much sometimes. And even though she isn't with us any longer, I still celebrate the day. I spend the day with my friends that I consider my family. I show a little extra compassion to strangers and get drunk with my friends. And at the end of the day, I raise my glass to her and thank her for all the great Christmas days we spent together.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Hmmm...
Val has invited me to go with her to visit her parents for Christmas eve. I have never met them before. From what Val has told me, they are cool with her being a lesbian. When I asked how cool, she shrugged.
I would hate to get up there (its a three hour drive) and they torture me for dating their daughter. You know how some parents are...they act like they are all cool with you in front of their kid then when they get you alone, they rip you apart, limb by limb, and tell you in a not so direct way that you are not good enough for their daughter because you have the wrong anatomy or some shit like that.
Hmmm...
I'm going though. Val has a very persuasive tongue. Hey...I never said I wasn't easy. Ha.
So gals, I will see you all on Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you all. I love you's!
I would hate to get up there (its a three hour drive) and they torture me for dating their daughter. You know how some parents are...they act like they are all cool with you in front of their kid then when they get you alone, they rip you apart, limb by limb, and tell you in a not so direct way that you are not good enough for their daughter because you have the wrong anatomy or some shit like that.
Hmmm...
I'm going though. Val has a very persuasive tongue. Hey...I never said I wasn't easy. Ha.
So gals, I will see you all on Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you all. I love you's!
Monday, December 22, 2008
What I really want
I'm really liking this love thing. Its made me want to open myself up completely.
I took Laney out last night. On a real date. My first real date. We went down to the lighthouse after a romantic like dinner. And then we walked the beach. I had no idea I could even be romantic. Then...I brought her back to my place and she stayed the night with me. Other than the Crazy Lesbian Circus girls, she the only other woman that has ever spent the night here.
I think I might just go crazy when she heads out on tour.
It sounds and feel strange, but I swear I miss her already.
I took Laney out last night. On a real date. My first real date. We went down to the lighthouse after a romantic like dinner. And then we walked the beach. I had no idea I could even be romantic. Then...I brought her back to my place and she stayed the night with me. Other than the Crazy Lesbian Circus girls, she the only other woman that has ever spent the night here.
I think I might just go crazy when she heads out on tour.
It sounds and feel strange, but I swear I miss her already.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Way I see it
I know love makes you blind. I know that the love I have for Amber blinded me beyond knowing right and wrong. I let her abuse go on for so long that I let her excuses cloud my judgement. Judgement on everything and my opinion on even more.
I went to see her today. Seeing her clean and sober reminded me of why I fell in love with her in the first place. She seemed so calm and collected. Like she used to be before she started drinking heavy. She believes the root of her drinking problem was her job. She works in the corporate jungle and from what I've heard, it can be pretty brutal. But still...was that the root of her violence? Maybe I don't understand the corp stuff because I'm just a mechanic but I really do not believe that her job caused the abuse.
She tried to convince me that it was the alcohol that caused all that. I want to believe her but...I'm afraid. Not afraid of the cuts and bruises, but of her breaking my heart again. Honestly, sometimes the words hurt worse than her fists ever did.
For the first time in my life, I'm admitting that I cried. I cried the moment I walked out of the center. I cried because I love her so much and want, more than anything, to be with her. To grow old with her. I cried because I really don't think I have it in me to give her another chance.
She told me that they were making her take anger management classes in there. I guess we will see how she is when she gets out.
I told her that I couldn't be her girlfriend but we could see about being friends. I couldn't believe I said that and it broke my heart to watch her cry from my words. But I really don't know what else to do.
I went to see her today. Seeing her clean and sober reminded me of why I fell in love with her in the first place. She seemed so calm and collected. Like she used to be before she started drinking heavy. She believes the root of her drinking problem was her job. She works in the corporate jungle and from what I've heard, it can be pretty brutal. But still...was that the root of her violence? Maybe I don't understand the corp stuff because I'm just a mechanic but I really do not believe that her job caused the abuse.
She tried to convince me that it was the alcohol that caused all that. I want to believe her but...I'm afraid. Not afraid of the cuts and bruises, but of her breaking my heart again. Honestly, sometimes the words hurt worse than her fists ever did.
For the first time in my life, I'm admitting that I cried. I cried the moment I walked out of the center. I cried because I love her so much and want, more than anything, to be with her. To grow old with her. I cried because I really don't think I have it in me to give her another chance.
She told me that they were making her take anger management classes in there. I guess we will see how she is when she gets out.
I told her that I couldn't be her girlfriend but we could see about being friends. I couldn't believe I said that and it broke my heart to watch her cry from my words. But I really don't know what else to do.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Questions?
Sometimes it seems when you are looking for an answer, all you get is more questions.
Starr asked me if I loved Maggie. Honestly, I don't think so. Being with her is new and exciting. Making love with her is amazing, but...I really do not think that I'm in love with her. She is a great woman, don't get me wrong. She has helped me crawl out of the shell I used to call life. She helped me build my confidence and I am forever grateful to her.
But...
When I saw Kay in the music store, my heart skipped a beat. Everything that I had ever felt for her washed over me and flooded my senses. I remembered what it felt like to love her. I remembered all the emotions I felt when we made love. Pure and innocent and fulfilling.
I went to dinner with her and yes, I did tell Maggie what I was doing. She deserves honesty and I didn't want to feel like I was sneaking around or something. I told Kay what happened to me after the cops took me away. She cried and apologized. Then she told me what happened to her. Her parents, after trying to beat the dyke out of her, sent her off to a private school in New York. By the time she got up enough money to call me, we had already changed our number. (We had to change our number because of Kay's mother. She would call at all hours of the night, threatening me and my family. Long story...) She wrote me letters but later found out that none of them were ever sent. They gave her the box when she graduated.
She said she had been here looking for me for six months. Chance, fate, whatever you want to call it, brought her into the music store that day.
Starr asked me if I still loved Kay. I do, but I don't know if its the same. And as I left Kay that night after drinks, she told me that she never stopped loving me. The words made my heart ache. But I told her the truth, I had never stopped loving her either. As for going to back to what we had, I explained that I didn't know if we could. We made promises of keeping in touch and left it at that.
I woke up this morning, alone, with a million riddles floating around in my head. More questions about the questions. Today, confusion will be my only friend. I'll be at the beach...with no phone...if anyone wants to join me...
Starr asked me if I loved Maggie. Honestly, I don't think so. Being with her is new and exciting. Making love with her is amazing, but...I really do not think that I'm in love with her. She is a great woman, don't get me wrong. She has helped me crawl out of the shell I used to call life. She helped me build my confidence and I am forever grateful to her.
But...
When I saw Kay in the music store, my heart skipped a beat. Everything that I had ever felt for her washed over me and flooded my senses. I remembered what it felt like to love her. I remembered all the emotions I felt when we made love. Pure and innocent and fulfilling.
I went to dinner with her and yes, I did tell Maggie what I was doing. She deserves honesty and I didn't want to feel like I was sneaking around or something. I told Kay what happened to me after the cops took me away. She cried and apologized. Then she told me what happened to her. Her parents, after trying to beat the dyke out of her, sent her off to a private school in New York. By the time she got up enough money to call me, we had already changed our number. (We had to change our number because of Kay's mother. She would call at all hours of the night, threatening me and my family. Long story...) She wrote me letters but later found out that none of them were ever sent. They gave her the box when she graduated.
She said she had been here looking for me for six months. Chance, fate, whatever you want to call it, brought her into the music store that day.
Starr asked me if I still loved Kay. I do, but I don't know if its the same. And as I left Kay that night after drinks, she told me that she never stopped loving me. The words made my heart ache. But I told her the truth, I had never stopped loving her either. As for going to back to what we had, I explained that I didn't know if we could. We made promises of keeping in touch and left it at that.
I woke up this morning, alone, with a million riddles floating around in my head. More questions about the questions. Today, confusion will be my only friend. I'll be at the beach...with no phone...if anyone wants to join me...
Friday, December 19, 2008
Continued...
On to Bruiser.
I was once a believer that love could conquer all. Not much so anymore. In Bruisers situation, I'm not sure it would be the best advice to give her...going back to Amber. The details that she gave us all in person (too much to put in here) were very violent.
Maybe, just maybe, Amber is getting the proper treatment for her alcohol addiction. That doesn't mean that her drinking was the reason for her abusive behavior. I'm not completely discrediting it. Alcohol does effect everyone differently and people have been documented losing complete control of knowing what was right or wrong, but...she knew what she was doing. When she sobered up, she saw what she did to Bruiser. Whether she knew she was doing it at the time or not...we will never know for sure. We have to believe her words. I personally will never be able to believe a word that woman says. Help or no help, she could have stopped her abusive actions years ago.
Love should have been enough to get her to get help...in my eyes. But it took way to long, so I recommended that Bruiser stay clear of her.
Its true, people change but I love Bruiser and I couldn't handle watching her have to go through the heartache of losing Amber again if she didn't change. I want Bruiser to be happy and uninjured.
I know she will do what her heart tells her too. Bruiser has a very good head on her shoulders. I will still love her if she goes back to Amber but I will be watching like a hawk. If I see one unexplained bruise or scratch, I will have to do something. Or at least say something. I know that what goes on between them is none of my business, but, being the ring leader, Bruiser will come to me anyway. And if anything goes wrong, I will be there.
I was once a believer that love could conquer all. Not much so anymore. In Bruisers situation, I'm not sure it would be the best advice to give her...going back to Amber. The details that she gave us all in person (too much to put in here) were very violent.
Maybe, just maybe, Amber is getting the proper treatment for her alcohol addiction. That doesn't mean that her drinking was the reason for her abusive behavior. I'm not completely discrediting it. Alcohol does effect everyone differently and people have been documented losing complete control of knowing what was right or wrong, but...she knew what she was doing. When she sobered up, she saw what she did to Bruiser. Whether she knew she was doing it at the time or not...we will never know for sure. We have to believe her words. I personally will never be able to believe a word that woman says. Help or no help, she could have stopped her abusive actions years ago.
Love should have been enough to get her to get help...in my eyes. But it took way to long, so I recommended that Bruiser stay clear of her.
Its true, people change but I love Bruiser and I couldn't handle watching her have to go through the heartache of losing Amber again if she didn't change. I want Bruiser to be happy and uninjured.
I know she will do what her heart tells her too. Bruiser has a very good head on her shoulders. I will still love her if she goes back to Amber but I will be watching like a hawk. If I see one unexplained bruise or scratch, I will have to do something. Or at least say something. I know that what goes on between them is none of my business, but, being the ring leader, Bruiser will come to me anyway. And if anything goes wrong, I will be there.
Phone Calls
Looks like things are starting to get back to normal. My life of solitude is never lonely, that's for sure. I'm glad the girls write in here before they call me. Because when I do get their phone call, I know that they have already thought whatever they might be troubled by, in a dilemma about, through.
Take Peace. She's got a good one. What do you do when the one person that you actually loved and had been missing for years, walks back into your life? Obviously, that wouldn't happen in my situation. But I had to put myself in her shoes. She has Maggie. A very patient and understanding woman who is clearly really into her. Then she has Kay. The one girl she was in love with. It wasn't their fault that they were ripped apart like that. It wasn't their fault that Kay was sent away. And now, Kay is grown up and can make her own decisions. And she still loves Peace. What do you do?
I told Peace that she needed to search her heart. That only she knew what was right for her. I gave her some questions to think about. Did she still love Kay? Did she love Maggie? How did it make her feel to run into Kay after all the years had gone by? Peace cried for a while. This situation is really tearing her up. Understandable.
Dimes, on the other hand, is experiencing something that many people spend their entire lives chasing. Love. I explained to her that, love for the first time, would be the most amazing experience but could also be the most painful experience. I told her to take her time and really feel the full effects of every emotion. That there was nothing to be afraid of because if she loved and lived happily ever after or loved and lost, it would still be the most amazing experience, despite the pain.
Of course this wasn't all I told them but its the gist of it all.
Bruiser is another story all together...but one that I will have to write about when I get back from my errands. Until then...
Take Peace. She's got a good one. What do you do when the one person that you actually loved and had been missing for years, walks back into your life? Obviously, that wouldn't happen in my situation. But I had to put myself in her shoes. She has Maggie. A very patient and understanding woman who is clearly really into her. Then she has Kay. The one girl she was in love with. It wasn't their fault that they were ripped apart like that. It wasn't their fault that Kay was sent away. And now, Kay is grown up and can make her own decisions. And she still loves Peace. What do you do?
I told Peace that she needed to search her heart. That only she knew what was right for her. I gave her some questions to think about. Did she still love Kay? Did she love Maggie? How did it make her feel to run into Kay after all the years had gone by? Peace cried for a while. This situation is really tearing her up. Understandable.
Dimes, on the other hand, is experiencing something that many people spend their entire lives chasing. Love. I explained to her that, love for the first time, would be the most amazing experience but could also be the most painful experience. I told her to take her time and really feel the full effects of every emotion. That there was nothing to be afraid of because if she loved and lived happily ever after or loved and lost, it would still be the most amazing experience, despite the pain.
Of course this wasn't all I told them but its the gist of it all.
Bruiser is another story all together...but one that I will have to write about when I get back from my errands. Until then...
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Heart Beat
So I have never been in love before. Like I said before, I have never even let myself get close to it. I can't really say that I'm afraid of it. It's just that...well, I just never believed in it. Until recently, I never even thought about it. For me at least.
Sure, Starr had love with Skylar. But, honestly it sounded like a fairytale. And really, it was. But it was also a tragedy because in the end, she lost it. And now that I've had a glimpse of it, I don't want that kind of outcome.
So these feelings that are so foreign to me. So very unbelievable. So uncontrollable. Starr says they are love. And now I'm scared.
Laney leaves January 2nd to go on tour for four months. Four months without her sounds like forever to me. When I think about it too long, I feel weak and sick.
How the hell did this happen? I'm Dimes...I don't do love. Love and play don't mix. At least they didn't...before I met Laney. I'm so confused!
The way I see it, I have two choices. Let myself completely fall for her or pull a Walker and walk away now before I get too deep.
Any suggestions?
Sure, Starr had love with Skylar. But, honestly it sounded like a fairytale. And really, it was. But it was also a tragedy because in the end, she lost it. And now that I've had a glimpse of it, I don't want that kind of outcome.
So these feelings that are so foreign to me. So very unbelievable. So uncontrollable. Starr says they are love. And now I'm scared.
Laney leaves January 2nd to go on tour for four months. Four months without her sounds like forever to me. When I think about it too long, I feel weak and sick.
How the hell did this happen? I'm Dimes...I don't do love. Love and play don't mix. At least they didn't...before I met Laney. I'm so confused!
The way I see it, I have two choices. Let myself completely fall for her or pull a Walker and walk away now before I get too deep.
Any suggestions?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
She's coming home!
News just in....Ash is being released from the hospital!
She will be staying with her parents until I get out of rehab. I'm doing it. No backing out this time. Ash wants me to get clean and most of all, I want to. It's been rough being clean for this long but I think I have made it through the worst of it all. At least I hope I have.
It's a brand new day ladies and lesbians!
And the happiest day of my life...I love you Ash!
She will be staying with her parents until I get out of rehab. I'm doing it. No backing out this time. Ash wants me to get clean and most of all, I want to. It's been rough being clean for this long but I think I have made it through the worst of it all. At least I hope I have.
It's a brand new day ladies and lesbians!
And the happiest day of my life...I love you Ash!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
OMG!
Girls! You are not going to believe what happened to me today! I can't even believe it myself.
I had the day off, so I was out Christmas shopping for Maggie. I have been hunting for this CD for her ever since she told me about it. Anyway, I went into Scales and I was searching through the racks. Someone walked up behind me and whispered my name. I swear...at first I thought it was Dimes. You know how she does that seductive like whisper thing.
Anyhow, I turn around really expecting Dimes and Laney to be behind me...I was smiling. Dimes can make anyone smile by whispering their name. But it wasn't Dimes.
I stared for a minute. My jaw hit the floor. I couldn't stop the shakes that waved across my body and before I knew it, my eyes were filled with tears.
It was Kay! Kay, the girl I was in love with forever. The girl I got caught in bed with. Kay and I couldn't fucking believe it. She threw her arms around me and cried on my shoulder. Telling me how she had been looking for me ever since she got back. (Her parents sent her away after they caught us.) OMG! Kay!
She wants to take me out to dinner tonight. What the hell do I do?
I have no idea how Maggie would react if I told her that Kay walked back into my life. She knows the story. Its not like I expect anything to still be between me and Kay, but I don't know if Maggie would understand that. I don't know what Kay expects either.
Hell, I don't even know what the hell is in my head. I'm confused and excited and sad and all kinds of shit.
I'm calling you, Starr. Help!
I had the day off, so I was out Christmas shopping for Maggie. I have been hunting for this CD for her ever since she told me about it. Anyway, I went into Scales and I was searching through the racks. Someone walked up behind me and whispered my name. I swear...at first I thought it was Dimes. You know how she does that seductive like whisper thing.
Anyhow, I turn around really expecting Dimes and Laney to be behind me...I was smiling. Dimes can make anyone smile by whispering their name. But it wasn't Dimes.
I stared for a minute. My jaw hit the floor. I couldn't stop the shakes that waved across my body and before I knew it, my eyes were filled with tears.
It was Kay! Kay, the girl I was in love with forever. The girl I got caught in bed with. Kay and I couldn't fucking believe it. She threw her arms around me and cried on my shoulder. Telling me how she had been looking for me ever since she got back. (Her parents sent her away after they caught us.) OMG! Kay!
She wants to take me out to dinner tonight. What the hell do I do?
I have no idea how Maggie would react if I told her that Kay walked back into my life. She knows the story. Its not like I expect anything to still be between me and Kay, but I don't know if Maggie would understand that. I don't know what Kay expects either.
Hell, I don't even know what the hell is in my head. I'm confused and excited and sad and all kinds of shit.
I'm calling you, Starr. Help!
Monday, December 15, 2008
phone calls
I spoke with Amber on my lunch break. She could only speak to me for five minutes. I guess it's the rules at the treatment center she is at. It was the most emotional five minutes of my life.
Amber would play it off like she didn't know what she did when she was drunk. Today she confessed that she remembered more than she admitted to in the past. She remembered most of the times I had to go to the hospital. It pissed me off. But it also confused me. It also made me sad...told you it was emotional.
Well, I guess today was apology day. She called me to tell me she was sorry for all the things she had done. She asked me if I would forgive her. I asked if I could think about it. I just don't think I'm ready to forgive her. Honestly, the bruise hasn't even faded from the last time we were together. It might not be a bruise you can see but its one that I feel.
I feel it every time I think about her. I feel it every time I close my eyes.
I've read the stories about people in abusive relationships. I admit, I was one of the blinded by love one's. Always thinking that she would realize how much I loved her and she would quit hitting. And yeah, I took her back every time. I want to believe that the alcohol was the problem, but I'm struggling to believe that now.
If she knew what she was doing to me, the alcohol wasn't really a factor, right? So who's to say that when she gets out, she will no longer be abusive toward me? There might be a chance but I'm afraid to take the chance. I love her with all my heart. I couldn't handle her breaking it again if she was to get out and nothing had changed.
I guess that's it...I'm afraid to trust her again. Is it right or wrong to feel this way? I have no idea. She's broken my bones, given me stitches, and left scars that will never be erased. I just...don't know.
But dammit to hell...I still fucking love her! What is wrong with me????
Starr, call me when you read this. I don't want to interrupt your day of relaxation.
Amber would play it off like she didn't know what she did when she was drunk. Today she confessed that she remembered more than she admitted to in the past. She remembered most of the times I had to go to the hospital. It pissed me off. But it also confused me. It also made me sad...told you it was emotional.
Well, I guess today was apology day. She called me to tell me she was sorry for all the things she had done. She asked me if I would forgive her. I asked if I could think about it. I just don't think I'm ready to forgive her. Honestly, the bruise hasn't even faded from the last time we were together. It might not be a bruise you can see but its one that I feel.
I feel it every time I think about her. I feel it every time I close my eyes.
I've read the stories about people in abusive relationships. I admit, I was one of the blinded by love one's. Always thinking that she would realize how much I loved her and she would quit hitting. And yeah, I took her back every time. I want to believe that the alcohol was the problem, but I'm struggling to believe that now.
If she knew what she was doing to me, the alcohol wasn't really a factor, right? So who's to say that when she gets out, she will no longer be abusive toward me? There might be a chance but I'm afraid to take the chance. I love her with all my heart. I couldn't handle her breaking it again if she was to get out and nothing had changed.
I guess that's it...I'm afraid to trust her again. Is it right or wrong to feel this way? I have no idea. She's broken my bones, given me stitches, and left scars that will never be erased. I just...don't know.
But dammit to hell...I still fucking love her! What is wrong with me????
Starr, call me when you read this. I don't want to interrupt your day of relaxation.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Philoso...something about love
I was talking with my brother the other day...well, he's not my real brother. Jake was my first boyfriend way back in high school. We both figured out we were gay together, so to speak. So, anyway, we were talking about relationships and such. We stumbled into a discussion about true love.
Maybe we were separated at birth because neither of us are believers. We both agreed that the truest form of love is what can only be found between parents and their children. But then I got to thinking, that's not really true love either. Because if it was, kids wouldn't be disowned for being gay. There would be no kids getting beat to death for bringing home bad grades. And so on....
Jake says that I'm wrong. He said that the truest form of love was the moment a child is born. It either fades or grows stronger from there. But that is it.
Mikey, Jake's significant other, totally disagrees with both of us. Firm believer of true love and love at first sight and all that mushy crap. I will be fair and say that his argument was good. He said that true love exists in everything and everyone. He used me and Jake as examples.
Me and Jake have been friends for over fifteen years. Although we will never be romantically involved, there is love between us. That, Mikey says, is true love.
And its true, I'd do anything for Jake and I know he would do the same for me. We know each other better than we know ourselves. We can always count on each other. All points I made, but Mikey says that's not what love is all about. He said that love is about knowing all there is to know about another and not judging them. Love is the first person you call when all hell breaks loose. Love is knowing, no matter what you say or do, no matter if you are wrong or right, no matter what, it won't change the way you feel for the other.
Mikey might be right. Maybe the love I have for my bro, my pal, my Jake, is true love.
It made me think of Starr. The love she has for Skylar, even though she is gone, is still there. As strong as if she were still alive. Maybe that is true love.
And when Jake asked me if I think I'm in love with Val, I couldn't say yes. At least not the way I think I should be in love with her. Its not devoted love. I care about her deeply and would fall apart if anything ever happened to her...but that is in no way true love. Right?
Jake pointed out that maybe, the reason I run from anything concrete and committed, is because I'm holding out for that true love or something.
That I will have to think about. Because, honestly, love doesn't ever really cross my mind.
And I think that might be sad...
Maybe we were separated at birth because neither of us are believers. We both agreed that the truest form of love is what can only be found between parents and their children. But then I got to thinking, that's not really true love either. Because if it was, kids wouldn't be disowned for being gay. There would be no kids getting beat to death for bringing home bad grades. And so on....
Jake says that I'm wrong. He said that the truest form of love was the moment a child is born. It either fades or grows stronger from there. But that is it.
Mikey, Jake's significant other, totally disagrees with both of us. Firm believer of true love and love at first sight and all that mushy crap. I will be fair and say that his argument was good. He said that true love exists in everything and everyone. He used me and Jake as examples.
Me and Jake have been friends for over fifteen years. Although we will never be romantically involved, there is love between us. That, Mikey says, is true love.
And its true, I'd do anything for Jake and I know he would do the same for me. We know each other better than we know ourselves. We can always count on each other. All points I made, but Mikey says that's not what love is all about. He said that love is about knowing all there is to know about another and not judging them. Love is the first person you call when all hell breaks loose. Love is knowing, no matter what you say or do, no matter if you are wrong or right, no matter what, it won't change the way you feel for the other.
Mikey might be right. Maybe the love I have for my bro, my pal, my Jake, is true love.
It made me think of Starr. The love she has for Skylar, even though she is gone, is still there. As strong as if she were still alive. Maybe that is true love.
And when Jake asked me if I think I'm in love with Val, I couldn't say yes. At least not the way I think I should be in love with her. Its not devoted love. I care about her deeply and would fall apart if anything ever happened to her...but that is in no way true love. Right?
Jake pointed out that maybe, the reason I run from anything concrete and committed, is because I'm holding out for that true love or something.
That I will have to think about. Because, honestly, love doesn't ever really cross my mind.
And I think that might be sad...
Friday, December 12, 2008
horoscope
I don't usually read my horoscope but today, I thought, what the hell...
Your Horoscope - Today, December 12, 2008
You are likely aware of your writing abilities, Starr, but you may not realize just how talented you are. It would be worthwhile for you to consider devoting more time to honing your craft. You can't expect to improve much when your writing time is scattered in between other obligations. You need large blocks of uninterrupted time in order to really produce something of value. Why not give it a try, even if just for a week or so, to see what you are capable of.
I am aware and I kind of realize how talented I am. I do have three books under my belt but...I was planning on taking a break. Maybe I shouldn't...I dunno
Your Horoscope - Today, December 12, 2008
You are likely aware of your writing abilities, Starr, but you may not realize just how talented you are. It would be worthwhile for you to consider devoting more time to honing your craft. You can't expect to improve much when your writing time is scattered in between other obligations. You need large blocks of uninterrupted time in order to really produce something of value. Why not give it a try, even if just for a week or so, to see what you are capable of.
I am aware and I kind of realize how talented I am. I do have three books under my belt but...I was planning on taking a break. Maybe I shouldn't...I dunno
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Catching up
Things have gotten a bit busy for us all. So I will try to fill in the blanks the best I can.
Bruiser was contacted by Amber. Seems she wants to be with Bruiser and has checked herself into some kind of rehab. I'll have to see it to believe it.
Ash is making very good progress. She's talking and moving around. Candy has never been happier. Candy has been going to an outpatient like rehab thing that seems to be helping her quite a bit. I'm proud of her...she has come a long way.
Peace is in love. Yeah, the little shy one has found her a keeper. Maggie is a very nice woman and they make a great couple.
Walker. Walker and Val have lasted longer than any of us thought they would. And when Val asked Walker to move in, we all thought it would be the end of them. I guess Walker has changed some. She didn't move in with Val, but they are still together...that counts.
Dimes...my dear Dimes. The ultimate player. She might have played her last game. Seems she has really fallen for the drummer girl, Laney. Let me tell you, Laney is a hot one. Her and Dimes together is almost too damn beautiful. But...Laney is going on tour. This will be a big test for Dimes. Honestly, I've never been able to picture her tied down to just one woman but she swears she can do it. Hmmm...
Me? I just finished my third book. (I do not mix my personal life with my professional one, so my books will never be offered in here...sorry.) I've been doing some writing for a magazine and the local underground newspaper. Its a conspiracy theory thing that gets a lot of laughs. Don't think that since I lost...Skylar...that I've been celibate all this time. I've been having some fun but nothing worth writing about.
I will light the fire under all the girls asses and get them to start writing again. I promise.
Bruiser was contacted by Amber. Seems she wants to be with Bruiser and has checked herself into some kind of rehab. I'll have to see it to believe it.
Ash is making very good progress. She's talking and moving around. Candy has never been happier. Candy has been going to an outpatient like rehab thing that seems to be helping her quite a bit. I'm proud of her...she has come a long way.
Peace is in love. Yeah, the little shy one has found her a keeper. Maggie is a very nice woman and they make a great couple.
Walker. Walker and Val have lasted longer than any of us thought they would. And when Val asked Walker to move in, we all thought it would be the end of them. I guess Walker has changed some. She didn't move in with Val, but they are still together...that counts.
Dimes...my dear Dimes. The ultimate player. She might have played her last game. Seems she has really fallen for the drummer girl, Laney. Let me tell you, Laney is a hot one. Her and Dimes together is almost too damn beautiful. But...Laney is going on tour. This will be a big test for Dimes. Honestly, I've never been able to picture her tied down to just one woman but she swears she can do it. Hmmm...
Me? I just finished my third book. (I do not mix my personal life with my professional one, so my books will never be offered in here...sorry.) I've been doing some writing for a magazine and the local underground newspaper. Its a conspiracy theory thing that gets a lot of laughs. Don't think that since I lost...Skylar...that I've been celibate all this time. I've been having some fun but nothing worth writing about.
I will light the fire under all the girls asses and get them to start writing again. I promise.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Wild Woman
Laney has been driving me crazy. I must say, this has been the most amazing two weeks of my life. I have never before wanted to spend time with any woman I was with (sexually) until her.
I really think I'm in love, which is strange for me because I've never given myself the chance to fall in love. But she intrigues me. Inspires me. Drives me completely insane. And I love it.
Put it this way...she is the only woman I have been with for the past two weeks. Remember...I'm fucking Dimes. I've never slept in the same bed twice and there are very few women that I've slept with more than three times.
But she has me hooked.
This is crazy...
I really think I'm in love, which is strange for me because I've never given myself the chance to fall in love. But she intrigues me. Inspires me. Drives me completely insane. And I love it.
Put it this way...she is the only woman I have been with for the past two weeks. Remember...I'm fucking Dimes. I've never slept in the same bed twice and there are very few women that I've slept with more than three times.
But she has me hooked.
This is crazy...
Monday, December 1, 2008
The Struggle
So Ash is in and out. Doctor's still can't tell us if she will be close to anything she used to be. Honestly...it scares the shit out of me.
I love her with everything in me and I plan on being with her forever. But what if she's not okay enough to resume her life? What if she has to stay in a hospital for one reason or another?
Sometimes...sometimes I feel like this is really my fault. We weren't fighting. We never fight. But we do go through these ignoring each other phases. And when she did what she did...we were in one of those phases. I was ignoring her because she wouldn't go to this party with me. So fucking childish. I should have known she was on a binge when she didn't come home for three nights.
I've been talking with her parents more. It's funny...we like each other when I'm clean. I told them that if she needs any kind of special care, and we can do it from home, that I would hire who ever we needed to hire and take care of her. They said they would do the same thing.
I don't expect her to be exactly who she used to be. I just want her to be okay. I just want her to come home...because I love her.
I love her with everything in me and I plan on being with her forever. But what if she's not okay enough to resume her life? What if she has to stay in a hospital for one reason or another?
Sometimes...sometimes I feel like this is really my fault. We weren't fighting. We never fight. But we do go through these ignoring each other phases. And when she did what she did...we were in one of those phases. I was ignoring her because she wouldn't go to this party with me. So fucking childish. I should have known she was on a binge when she didn't come home for three nights.
I've been talking with her parents more. It's funny...we like each other when I'm clean. I told them that if she needs any kind of special care, and we can do it from home, that I would hire who ever we needed to hire and take care of her. They said they would do the same thing.
I don't expect her to be exactly who she used to be. I just want her to be okay. I just want her to come home...because I love her.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
missing her
I have been missing Amber like crazy. Everything I do, everything I see...reminds me of her. And its driving me crazy.
Honestly, I'm a little scared too. She hasn't called me since...I can't even remember. I haven't seen her drive by my work. I'm so tempted to call her but I don't want to lose my footing and fall back into her routine.
I was thinking about some of our good times. We did have a lot of them even though most of them ended with a bad time. But when we first got together, things were great. I just wish I could remember when things started getting bad. Because she wasn't always a drinker.
Whatever. I just want to know if she is okay. So I can sleep at night damn it.
Honestly, I'm a little scared too. She hasn't called me since...I can't even remember. I haven't seen her drive by my work. I'm so tempted to call her but I don't want to lose my footing and fall back into her routine.
I was thinking about some of our good times. We did have a lot of them even though most of them ended with a bad time. But when we first got together, things were great. I just wish I could remember when things started getting bad. Because she wasn't always a drinker.
Whatever. I just want to know if she is okay. So I can sleep at night damn it.
Friday, November 28, 2008
times
So I get home yesterday from visiting Ash and Candy at the hospital. I walk into my dining room and there is a huge Thanksgiving meal on my table. I'm talking turkey, potatoes, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, hot rolls, etc. It was all there. And hot too. The table is set for seven. For some reason I couldn't think of seven people I knew.
I search my house. I find no one. Not a soul.
So I'm thinking that its some kind of practical joke. That maybe the meal is fake or something. I go over to the turkey and get a spoonful of stuffing. I smell it. I poke it with my finger. Seems real, so I eat it. Yep...real.
I'm clueless as to who made the meal or why the table was set for seven. So I sat down and poured me a glass of wine, thinking...all this good food and its getting cold.
For some reason, I just couldn't touch the food. It looked great, smelled even better, but all I could do was stare.
After about five minutes of me staring, all the girls walk in the front door...with Candy.
Seems Bruiser and Walker had a bust day cooking and Candy had to keep me at the hospital until they were done. Good times.
All the girls were there along with Maggie (Peace's girl) and Val (Walker's girl). It was great and totally unexpected. And the food was amazing.
Thanks to all of you...my family.
I search my house. I find no one. Not a soul.
So I'm thinking that its some kind of practical joke. That maybe the meal is fake or something. I go over to the turkey and get a spoonful of stuffing. I smell it. I poke it with my finger. Seems real, so I eat it. Yep...real.
I'm clueless as to who made the meal or why the table was set for seven. So I sat down and poured me a glass of wine, thinking...all this good food and its getting cold.
For some reason, I just couldn't touch the food. It looked great, smelled even better, but all I could do was stare.
After about five minutes of me staring, all the girls walk in the front door...with Candy.
Seems Bruiser and Walker had a bust day cooking and Candy had to keep me at the hospital until they were done. Good times.
All the girls were there along with Maggie (Peace's girl) and Val (Walker's girl). It was great and totally unexpected. And the food was amazing.
Thanks to all of you...my family.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
more than thankful
I think we are all thankful for Ash's waking up...that's for sure.
Let me be the first to tell you...Starr...how thankful we all are for you.
You've been a rock for us all. Speaking for me, I know there have been more than a few times where I thought things were beyond hope. Somehow, you would help me see the light. No matter what is broke...heart, nose, car, or a damn guitar string...you'd be the first to help us fix it.
We take you for granted sometimes but you love us all anyway. On the shittiest day, you can still make me laugh. On the happiest days, you find a way to make it that much better. If we are lost, you find us.
We love you and everything you do for us.
Thank you!
Let me be the first to tell you...Starr...how thankful we all are for you.
You've been a rock for us all. Speaking for me, I know there have been more than a few times where I thought things were beyond hope. Somehow, you would help me see the light. No matter what is broke...heart, nose, car, or a damn guitar string...you'd be the first to help us fix it.
We take you for granted sometimes but you love us all anyway. On the shittiest day, you can still make me laugh. On the happiest days, you find a way to make it that much better. If we are lost, you find us.
We love you and everything you do for us.
Thank you!
Being Thankful
Thanksgiving...for some of us, its time that we get to spend with family. For others its just a day to eat way too much. And for the rest its both.
I usually take the day to think about what I've done and where I came from. Most of all, I think about my friends. When family was no longer an option for me, it was my friends who led the way, followed, stood by me, carried me, or just simply held on as I took them for a ride. I love them all and I make sure they know just how much.
The Crazy Lesbian Circus girls are the best.
Walker...I'm thankful for your honesty, even if I don't want it at times.
Bruiser...I'm thankful for your huge heart. You open my eyes to care when I seem so blind.
Dimes...I'm thankful for your faithful friendship. If I falter, you will be the first to pull me back on track.
Peace...I'm thankful for your sincerity. I know you mean everything you say.
And Candy, my dear Candy...I'm thankful for YOU. You've broken my heart from time to time but you always carry the duct tape with you to fix it. I'm proud of you.
I'm thankful for everyone in my life...it wouldn't be life without you all.
Loving you still...
I usually take the day to think about what I've done and where I came from. Most of all, I think about my friends. When family was no longer an option for me, it was my friends who led the way, followed, stood by me, carried me, or just simply held on as I took them for a ride. I love them all and I make sure they know just how much.
The Crazy Lesbian Circus girls are the best.
Walker...I'm thankful for your honesty, even if I don't want it at times.
Bruiser...I'm thankful for your huge heart. You open my eyes to care when I seem so blind.
Dimes...I'm thankful for your faithful friendship. If I falter, you will be the first to pull me back on track.
Peace...I'm thankful for your sincerity. I know you mean everything you say.
And Candy, my dear Candy...I'm thankful for YOU. You've broken my heart from time to time but you always carry the duct tape with you to fix it. I'm proud of you.
I'm thankful for everyone in my life...it wouldn't be life without you all.
Loving you still...
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
not walking
Yeah...great news about Ash, huh. I hope she makes a full recovery.
Other news...Val...she still wants me to move in with her but understands that for me, its too soon. See ladies...I didn't run. She says she can wait but she doesn't want to wait forever. I can deal with that.
Bring in the clowns...
Other news...Val...she still wants me to move in with her but understands that for me, its too soon. See ladies...I didn't run. She says she can wait but she doesn't want to wait forever. I can deal with that.
Bring in the clowns...
Monday, November 24, 2008
Angels
Ash's parents had decided to turn off the machines that were keeping her alive. It was heartbreaking to watch Candy beg and plead with them not to. They had to leave, she was so intense. Anyway, Candy went to Ash's side and started screaming at her. Telling her that she had to wake up. Telling her that she knew she didn't want to die. I had to close the door and block it so the nurses wouldn't come in and try to subdue Candy.
I'm not exactly sure what Candy whispered in her ear, but Ash started to move her hands, trying to grab for Candy.
Candy started screaming, "That's it Ash. You can do it. Come back to me."
And she did. I walked away from the door. I had to see for myself. Her eyes were open, she was moving her hands. It was beautiful.
The doctors came rushing in and took over from there but...
ASH IS AWAKE!
I'm not exactly sure what Candy whispered in her ear, but Ash started to move her hands, trying to grab for Candy.
Candy started screaming, "That's it Ash. You can do it. Come back to me."
And she did. I walked away from the door. I had to see for myself. Her eyes were open, she was moving her hands. It was beautiful.
The doctors came rushing in and took over from there but...
ASH IS AWAKE!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Music to my ears
I met this musician last night. Drummer for a local popular band. She's hot. Long jet black hair. Sexy second skin leather pants that complimented her drop dead gorgeous body. She had an even sexier latex top on that was held together by chains. So fucking hot.
So, I had been watching her all night. When her set ended, she disappeared backstage. I bought a round for the girls I was hanging with and we found a table. I'm sitting there completely relaxed with my feet up on the chair next to me, leaning back and balanced. Next thing I know, the chick is sitting on my lap, kissing me like I was her possession. We lose balance on the chair and fall back. Totally knocks the wind out of me, but the girl doesn't stop. All be damned if I was going to try to stop her either.
Needless to say, it was an amazing night. And would love to give details, but Starr says I can't be x-rated in here. So you will have to use your imagination yet again.
Her name is Laney. And I think I'm in love. For the first time.
Oh yeah!
So, I had been watching her all night. When her set ended, she disappeared backstage. I bought a round for the girls I was hanging with and we found a table. I'm sitting there completely relaxed with my feet up on the chair next to me, leaning back and balanced. Next thing I know, the chick is sitting on my lap, kissing me like I was her possession. We lose balance on the chair and fall back. Totally knocks the wind out of me, but the girl doesn't stop. All be damned if I was going to try to stop her either.
Needless to say, it was an amazing night. And would love to give details, but Starr says I can't be x-rated in here. So you will have to use your imagination yet again.
Her name is Laney. And I think I'm in love. For the first time.
Oh yeah!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Proud
I am more than proud of Candy. She is really putting in an effort to get clean. I don't think any of us realized how much she loves Ash.
Ash's parents are taking about taking her off the machines. For Candy's sake, I pray they don't. And if they do, I hope Ash hangs on. If you look at her, you can almost feel her life trying to awaken again. And when Candy was crying to her, there was a tear. One single tear that appeared, leaving a shiny trail down the side of her face. That doesn't happen if you are already gone, does it?
I know she's in there. I just know she is.
On another note...there might soon be a new member to the leasbian circus. She's a real wild one and a long time friend of us all. She said she wants to contribute and we are in the process of giving her a name. Until then....live out loud!
Ash's parents are taking about taking her off the machines. For Candy's sake, I pray they don't. And if they do, I hope Ash hangs on. If you look at her, you can almost feel her life trying to awaken again. And when Candy was crying to her, there was a tear. One single tear that appeared, leaving a shiny trail down the side of her face. That doesn't happen if you are already gone, does it?
I know she's in there. I just know she is.
On another note...there might soon be a new member to the leasbian circus. She's a real wild one and a long time friend of us all. She said she wants to contribute and we are in the process of giving her a name. Until then....live out loud!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Peace, love, and whatever
I think I know what everyone was giving me so much shit about now. Or at least I understand. I had this fear...fear of being torn away from anyone that I cared about. What I have to realize is that I'm a grown up now. And so are the girls that I'm interested in. So no one can take them away. No parents. No law. Nothing.
I mean, I know they can take themselves away if they want but...
Maggie is deliciously fun. I really like her and she has shown me a new way to look at life. You only live this life once so LIVE IT! No use hiding in my shell. Life happens all around you. You just have to choose to play or sit and watch.
I think I'm more than ready to play.
How about you?
I mean, I know they can take themselves away if they want but...
Maggie is deliciously fun. I really like her and she has shown me a new way to look at life. You only live this life once so LIVE IT! No use hiding in my shell. Life happens all around you. You just have to choose to play or sit and watch.
I think I'm more than ready to play.
How about you?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Where do I start?
I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing. Ash isn't showing any signs of improvement and her parents are talking about letting her go.
I don't want to lose her. I don't. There was more to us than using drugs together. I love her. God! Please don't let me lose her.
I've made a promise to God. If he lets Ash live, I will never do drugs again. And with the help of my friends from the crazy lesbian circus...I've been clean for days now. I'm trying not to keep count. It makes me want them more.
At first, when I found Ash in the hospital and finally got to see her, all I wanted to do was join her. I went on a binge that would have killed an elephant. Somehow, I'm still here. Its like the motorcycle accident. God still doesn't want me yet.
Ash is so beautiful. Even with all the machines that are connected to her body. Her parents are being cool with me now. I'm not sure what you guys said to them, but thank you.
I spent all day with yesterday with Ash. I talked with her. I told her how much I love her and how much I want her to come home. I thought I felt her move her hand but I wasn't sure. I told the doctors but they said there was no way to tell if she did or not. I read her a book. Almost the entire book. I told her if she wanted to hear the ending, she had to wake up and come home with me. If you knew Ash, you'd know that doing that would piss her off. She'd want to know what happened. So I figured she might just wake up to slap me in the head and tell me to finish the damn thing. I hope and pray and beg for her to do that. I need her so much.
Starr has found a place that doesn't use drugs to get you off the drugs. I want to go but I don't want to leave Ash. So Starr found a natural doctor of sorts. They poke needles in you and other strange stuff. I know it sounds crazy but it has helped ease the pain. They gave me this lotion stuff that I put on my back, neck, knee's, elbow and other various painful parts of my body that seems to work decent. Starr says it will work if I believe it will work. I think she has a strange way of thinking but she has never steered me wrong before. I trust her with my life (even if I don't value it much).
Withdrawal is a bitch. It hurts worse than the actual pain at times. I haven't been hungry but if I do eat, it comes right back up. The chills suck and I've practically bit a hole through my lip. I'm nervous and paranoid and constantly tired but I can't sleep.
Its all worth it though. I figured that if God saw my effort to get clean that maybe she would put in a little effort to get my Ash back to me. It could be wishful thinking but its all I got right now. Ash is all I've got. Well, and my friends. My family sucks.
Oh well, I'm going to try to sleep now.
I've been staying with Starr. And the girls have been stopping by to check on me. Tonight, Walker is staying over. I asked her to sleep with me. No...not like that. Sometimes I get a little sleep if someone is holding me. I'm not sure why. Walker and Starr are the only ones that have been able to keep me calm enough to get a little sleep. I figured Starr might need a break, so I asked Walker. They are so great to me.
I love you all. Starr, Walker, Bruiser, Dimes, and Peace. I love you all to death. Thank you all for everything you've done and do for me. I owe you all.
I don't want to lose her. I don't. There was more to us than using drugs together. I love her. God! Please don't let me lose her.
I've made a promise to God. If he lets Ash live, I will never do drugs again. And with the help of my friends from the crazy lesbian circus...I've been clean for days now. I'm trying not to keep count. It makes me want them more.
At first, when I found Ash in the hospital and finally got to see her, all I wanted to do was join her. I went on a binge that would have killed an elephant. Somehow, I'm still here. Its like the motorcycle accident. God still doesn't want me yet.
Ash is so beautiful. Even with all the machines that are connected to her body. Her parents are being cool with me now. I'm not sure what you guys said to them, but thank you.
I spent all day with yesterday with Ash. I talked with her. I told her how much I love her and how much I want her to come home. I thought I felt her move her hand but I wasn't sure. I told the doctors but they said there was no way to tell if she did or not. I read her a book. Almost the entire book. I told her if she wanted to hear the ending, she had to wake up and come home with me. If you knew Ash, you'd know that doing that would piss her off. She'd want to know what happened. So I figured she might just wake up to slap me in the head and tell me to finish the damn thing. I hope and pray and beg for her to do that. I need her so much.
Starr has found a place that doesn't use drugs to get you off the drugs. I want to go but I don't want to leave Ash. So Starr found a natural doctor of sorts. They poke needles in you and other strange stuff. I know it sounds crazy but it has helped ease the pain. They gave me this lotion stuff that I put on my back, neck, knee's, elbow and other various painful parts of my body that seems to work decent. Starr says it will work if I believe it will work. I think she has a strange way of thinking but she has never steered me wrong before. I trust her with my life (even if I don't value it much).
Withdrawal is a bitch. It hurts worse than the actual pain at times. I haven't been hungry but if I do eat, it comes right back up. The chills suck and I've practically bit a hole through my lip. I'm nervous and paranoid and constantly tired but I can't sleep.
Its all worth it though. I figured that if God saw my effort to get clean that maybe she would put in a little effort to get my Ash back to me. It could be wishful thinking but its all I got right now. Ash is all I've got. Well, and my friends. My family sucks.
Oh well, I'm going to try to sleep now.
I've been staying with Starr. And the girls have been stopping by to check on me. Tonight, Walker is staying over. I asked her to sleep with me. No...not like that. Sometimes I get a little sleep if someone is holding me. I'm not sure why. Walker and Starr are the only ones that have been able to keep me calm enough to get a little sleep. I figured Starr might need a break, so I asked Walker. They are so great to me.
I love you all. Starr, Walker, Bruiser, Dimes, and Peace. I love you all to death. Thank you all for everything you've done and do for me. I owe you all.
Update
We found Candy. We found her at the hospital sitting next to Ash, holding her hand and crying. So she is okay and still clean.
She told me that she wants to try to stay clean. I believe her. I mean, she could have went straight to who ever and got whatever drug she wanted...but she didn't. I think she is ready for a change.
I really hope so. Because I really don't want to lose her.
She told me that she wants to try to stay clean. I believe her. I mean, she could have went straight to who ever and got whatever drug she wanted...but she didn't. I think she is ready for a change.
I really hope so. Because I really don't want to lose her.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Missing
Candy took off some time last night. We have been looking for her all damn day. She is so unstable right now. I'm so afraid for her.
And I'm pissed. Her piece of shit parents will not return any of our calls. Its like they don't give a shit if their daughter lives or dies. I even went to their house. They had Candy's sister tell me they weren't home. I could fucking see her loser dad sitting in the living room. I even told her to tell them that I would pay for her treatment and they still won't admit her. It makes me sick.
So now I'm on a quest to find her grandparents. Maybe that will work.
So...I'm livid and worried sick.
Candy, if you read this...please know how much we all love you and let us help you.
PLEASE!
And I'm pissed. Her piece of shit parents will not return any of our calls. Its like they don't give a shit if their daughter lives or dies. I even went to their house. They had Candy's sister tell me they weren't home. I could fucking see her loser dad sitting in the living room. I even told her to tell them that I would pay for her treatment and they still won't admit her. It makes me sick.
So now I'm on a quest to find her grandparents. Maybe that will work.
So...I'm livid and worried sick.
Candy, if you read this...please know how much we all love you and let us help you.
PLEASE!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
typical
So Val dropped a bomb on me this morning. Our relationship of convenience is not enough for her anymore. She wants me to move in with her. Its only been four months!
I'm not even sure if I love her. I mean, I enjoy her company and we always have fun when we are together but that doesn't constitute love. Or moving in with each other for that matter.
I am not one of those UHaul lesbians. I like to take my time with a relationship. Not go home with a woman and leave with her house key. Are there any other lesbians out there like me?
I know that the girls are going to tell me that I'm just walking away again. I can hear them all now. But...I'm not walking away. I'm going to talk with Val and tell her that I don't feel ready to move in with her. This time, it will be her choice to walk away or wait.
Because there is a chance that I will be ready to make that step with her. Just not right now.
I'm not running...
I'm not even sure if I love her. I mean, I enjoy her company and we always have fun when we are together but that doesn't constitute love. Or moving in with each other for that matter.
I am not one of those UHaul lesbians. I like to take my time with a relationship. Not go home with a woman and leave with her house key. Are there any other lesbians out there like me?
I know that the girls are going to tell me that I'm just walking away again. I can hear them all now. But...I'm not walking away. I'm going to talk with Val and tell her that I don't feel ready to move in with her. This time, it will be her choice to walk away or wait.
Because there is a chance that I will be ready to make that step with her. Just not right now.
I'm not running...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Here we go again
Okay. I read over my last post. I could have worded it better but I'm sure you got the point. Besides, I was still pissed as hell.
I've made a new rule for myself. No more threesomes with women in LTR's. It is too much drama. That whole thing with Carla and Kelly was insane. The last time I was with them, they fought about who I was going to make come first. I settled that by getting them both off together, but how ridiculous.
Get this...they got pissed at me when they walked into the bar and I was making out with the new chick. What gives them the right? I gave them both hell and haven't seen them since. They both still call me at least three times a day though.
I saw the nurse from the hospital last night. I actually like her a lot. No games. Straight up, get right to the point sort of girl. And the sex is sizzling. I think I might see her on a weekly basis for a while.
I've made a new rule for myself. No more threesomes with women in LTR's. It is too much drama. That whole thing with Carla and Kelly was insane. The last time I was with them, they fought about who I was going to make come first. I settled that by getting them both off together, but how ridiculous.
Get this...they got pissed at me when they walked into the bar and I was making out with the new chick. What gives them the right? I gave them both hell and haven't seen them since. They both still call me at least three times a day though.
I saw the nurse from the hospital last night. I actually like her a lot. No games. Straight up, get right to the point sort of girl. And the sex is sizzling. I think I might see her on a weekly basis for a while.
All's well...
Amber finally stopped calling me. She hasn't shown up at my work either. Starr helped me get all my things from her place and get them back to mine. Yeah, I kept my own apartment all this time. I think I had always planned to leave her for good.
Sadly, I miss her. She only got violent when she was drunk. All the rest of the time, she was a very loving, caring woman. I guess it finally got to the point where all the loving and caring couldn't make the cuts and bruises vanish.
I hate shutting her out. I begged for her to get help. But like Starr said, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help their self. God, I miss her.
I used to believe that love could conquer all, but now I think its just a delusion. Love couldn't kill her addiction. Love couldn't make her get help.
Maybe she didn't truly love me anymore. Maybe she never loved me at all. I'd like to think that I was wrong since I loved her with all I had. Who knows...
Sadly, I miss her. She only got violent when she was drunk. All the rest of the time, she was a very loving, caring woman. I guess it finally got to the point where all the loving and caring couldn't make the cuts and bruises vanish.
I hate shutting her out. I begged for her to get help. But like Starr said, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help their self. God, I miss her.
I used to believe that love could conquer all, but now I think its just a delusion. Love couldn't kill her addiction. Love couldn't make her get help.
Maybe she didn't truly love me anymore. Maybe she never loved me at all. I'd like to think that I was wrong since I loved her with all I had. Who knows...
Monday, November 10, 2008
Mind your own business
I'm not real big on public displays of affection unless I'm somewhere like a LESBIAN bar or another place where its mostly lesbians. I do not intentionally go around making out with women on a sidewalk or in a family type dining place or such.
And if I see two straight people kissing or holding hands or whatever, I don't make a big deal out of it. I mind my business even if I think its gross.
So today, I was down on Ocean and a waitress I had some fun with a few weeks ago spotted me. We talked for a few minutes but she was running late to work so she had to go. She gave me a simple short kiss on the lips before she departed. We didn't make out or try to make a big scene. It was just a small innocent kiss.
There were a couple of guys and older women passing us. A few of them made some disgusting comments that I'd rather not repeat. I stopped the group and asked them if it was really necessary to comment on such a friendly exchange.
One of the older ladies said yes. She said that if I wanted to be a dyke that it was my CHOICE and that I should not flaunt it.
This is what I said. "Fuck you lady. Do you think I really CHOSE to live a life that is hated and discriminated against. Do you really think I CHOSE to get remarks like that from people like you."
She shut up but her friends didn't. By this time we had a crowd. One guy said that people like me should be institutionalized. That I was sick and had a demented view of reality.
A lady from the crowd stepped up next to me. She jumped in the mans face and told him that he's the one that needs to be put in an institution. That it was people like him that made the world such a shitty place.
I asked what made him think that way. The neighborhood bully that used to sexually abuse him or the bible. I told him that GOD made me this way, so in his eyes, did he think that God had a sick sense of humor or what.
The argument went on for about thirty minutes. These people would not give up.
Me and the stranger that stepped up to help defend me finally got them to shut up. One of the men flicked me off as they walked away defeated. That was all he could do. Everything they said, we shot down. The crowd applauded as I shook the hand of my helper. She ended up being an equal rights activist and invited me to a meeting. I think I might just go.
Anyway...my point is...if you don't like it don't look. And MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!
And if I see two straight people kissing or holding hands or whatever, I don't make a big deal out of it. I mind my business even if I think its gross.
So today, I was down on Ocean and a waitress I had some fun with a few weeks ago spotted me. We talked for a few minutes but she was running late to work so she had to go. She gave me a simple short kiss on the lips before she departed. We didn't make out or try to make a big scene. It was just a small innocent kiss.
There were a couple of guys and older women passing us. A few of them made some disgusting comments that I'd rather not repeat. I stopped the group and asked them if it was really necessary to comment on such a friendly exchange.
One of the older ladies said yes. She said that if I wanted to be a dyke that it was my CHOICE and that I should not flaunt it.
This is what I said. "Fuck you lady. Do you think I really CHOSE to live a life that is hated and discriminated against. Do you really think I CHOSE to get remarks like that from people like you."
She shut up but her friends didn't. By this time we had a crowd. One guy said that people like me should be institutionalized. That I was sick and had a demented view of reality.
A lady from the crowd stepped up next to me. She jumped in the mans face and told him that he's the one that needs to be put in an institution. That it was people like him that made the world such a shitty place.
I asked what made him think that way. The neighborhood bully that used to sexually abuse him or the bible. I told him that GOD made me this way, so in his eyes, did he think that God had a sick sense of humor or what.
The argument went on for about thirty minutes. These people would not give up.
Me and the stranger that stepped up to help defend me finally got them to shut up. One of the men flicked me off as they walked away defeated. That was all he could do. Everything they said, we shot down. The crowd applauded as I shook the hand of my helper. She ended up being an equal rights activist and invited me to a meeting. I think I might just go.
Anyway...my point is...if you don't like it don't look. And MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!
Blah
Crazy days. Candy is driving me up the wall. We can't get a hold of her parents and she won't check herself into rehab, so we got her at my house. She's up, she's down. She's complaining about her entire body being in pain. She's puking, then she seems fine...for two minutes. I haven't slept in three days because I'm afraid she's going to sneak out a window or something.
Thank God Bruiser and Walker are coming over tonight.
Oh shit! Gotta go...
Thank God Bruiser and Walker are coming over tonight.
Oh shit! Gotta go...
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Happy
Maggie is amazing. I will never be able to thank you for this one Walker.
We went out on a date last night. We started by walking down the strip. We ate dinner at a very nice place that had outside seating overlooking the ocean. The weather has been so perfect here.
We ended up at her place for a few drinks. And...okay so I don't kiss and tell but the CLC girls cannot pick on me anymore!
Doin' the happy dance!
We went out on a date last night. We started by walking down the strip. We ate dinner at a very nice place that had outside seating overlooking the ocean. The weather has been so perfect here.
We ended up at her place for a few drinks. And...okay so I don't kiss and tell but the CLC girls cannot pick on me anymore!
Doin' the happy dance!
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Stuff
I hadn't spoken of Skylar in almost eight years. I actually feel a hell of a lot better now that I shared her memory with the crew. I guess its true that the things we keep inside weigh us down.
On to other things. We have been worried about Candy. Things aren't looking to good for Ash. She had so many different drugs in her system that the doctors can't believe she even made it to the hospital. Its so sad. She is so young and beautiful. By the looks of her though, you would think she was older than me.
Candy isn't taking it too well. You would think that with her girlfriend clinging to life, she'd stay away from the drugs. Instead, its had a reverse effect. When we found her a couple days ago, she was so out of it that she didn't even know her name.
We've been doing everything we can to keep her away from the drugs since. And we've been trying to get a hold of her parents to see if they will help us get her in some kind of rehab. But they haven't returned any of our calls.
God, I hate doctors. They get these kids so hooked on the pain meds that it kills them.
I know Candy is going to be so mad if she reads this, but oh well. We love her too much to not do anything to help her.
On to other things. We have been worried about Candy. Things aren't looking to good for Ash. She had so many different drugs in her system that the doctors can't believe she even made it to the hospital. Its so sad. She is so young and beautiful. By the looks of her though, you would think she was older than me.
Candy isn't taking it too well. You would think that with her girlfriend clinging to life, she'd stay away from the drugs. Instead, its had a reverse effect. When we found her a couple days ago, she was so out of it that she didn't even know her name.
We've been doing everything we can to keep her away from the drugs since. And we've been trying to get a hold of her parents to see if they will help us get her in some kind of rehab. But they haven't returned any of our calls.
God, I hate doctors. They get these kids so hooked on the pain meds that it kills them.
I know Candy is going to be so mad if she reads this, but oh well. We love her too much to not do anything to help her.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Hot Dates
She likes me. Maggie that is. We've been out almost every night since my last post. I'm not sure what Walker said to her, but things have been going great. No pressure...just getting to know each other.
No, we haven't slept together but last night I did get a kiss goodnight. A very good kiss I might add.
Thank you Walker.
No, we haven't slept together but last night I did get a kiss goodnight. A very good kiss I might add.
Thank you Walker.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Candy's Decoys
You should have seen all of us at the hospital the other day. I sweet talked the nurse into leaving her station. Starr got the doctors attention and was talking to him about anal warts or something. Peace made a scene crying hysterically. That took everyone else's attention. Bruiser figured out how to use the intercom and called Mr. and Mrs. Stevens (Ash's parents) to the nurse's station. Of course there was no one at the nurse's station except Bruiser, who borrowed a doctor jacket that was hanging on a chair.
Candy snuck in to Ash's room.
Bruiser made up some bullshit survey thing and told the Steven's that it was critical that they participated. It was fucking hilarious. I have no idea what she asked them but when the Steven's left the station, it looked like Mr. Stevens had a hard on and Mrs. Stevens was about ready to orgasm.
I got the nurses number by the way. HOT!
Anyway, the Halloween Bash was out of this world...literally. This years theme was aliens and outer space. I took the hot nurse to the party and...use your imagination for the rest.
Candy snuck in to Ash's room.
Bruiser made up some bullshit survey thing and told the Steven's that it was critical that they participated. It was fucking hilarious. I have no idea what she asked them but when the Steven's left the station, it looked like Mr. Stevens had a hard on and Mrs. Stevens was about ready to orgasm.
I got the nurses number by the way. HOT!
Anyway, the Halloween Bash was out of this world...literally. This years theme was aliens and outer space. I took the hot nurse to the party and...use your imagination for the rest.
Friday, October 31, 2008
I need decoys
Hey girls, I found Ash. She OD'd and is in the hospital. Her parents won't let me see her. They say it's my fault that their daughter almost died.
Is that true, girls? Is it my fault?
Anyway, I'm not leaving this hospital until I see her. I could use some decoys.
Is that true, girls? Is it my fault?
Anyway, I'm not leaving this hospital until I see her. I could use some decoys.
Bruiser
Bruiser is standing her ground with Amber. We were all trying to talk Bruiser into changing her cell number, but she wouldn't. That Amber is relentless.
We all know Amber. She's hung out with us a few times. It's funny, in public she always seemed so controlled. I guess that's why they always left early. So we wouldn't see that ugly side.
Bruiser did a good job of covering up. None of us had a clue. The injuries she couldn't hide had a logical explanation behind them. I mean, come on...Bruiser is Bruiser. Tall, all muscle, and a look that screams "don't fuck with me." She's always first to jump up if someone gives any of us shit. So her stories were believable.
She'll be fine, I'm sure. With all of our help of course.
Anyhow....HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
We all know Amber. She's hung out with us a few times. It's funny, in public she always seemed so controlled. I guess that's why they always left early. So we wouldn't see that ugly side.
Bruiser did a good job of covering up. None of us had a clue. The injuries she couldn't hide had a logical explanation behind them. I mean, come on...Bruiser is Bruiser. Tall, all muscle, and a look that screams "don't fuck with me." She's always first to jump up if someone gives any of us shit. So her stories were believable.
She'll be fine, I'm sure. With all of our help of course.
Anyhow....HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Bruiser
If there's one thing that's always been true about us CLC girls, its that we are always there for each other.
Bruiser's gonna be camping out at my house for a while. No one breathe a word of this to Amber. Got it?
Bruiser's gonna be camping out at my house for a while. No one breathe a word of this to Amber. Got it?
Truth
I am so glad we use fake names in here. Girls, what I'm about to tell you has to stay between us.
You all know that I've been with Amber off and on for a long time now. I love her deeply, with all my heart. What you don't know is that she has a problem. A drinking problem and when she gets wasted on the hard stuff, she gets violent.
The black eye from the bar fight, the broken nose from the mechanic shop, the broken ribs...I lied. Amber can be pretty brutal at times.
I've left her so many times, you girls know I have. She finds me and apologizes. Tells me she loves me and it will never happen again. I love her so much and I want to believe her, so I always go back.
I haven't been with her for over a week now. Yes, the stitches over my eye are from her. She caught me pouring her bottle of whiskey down the drain. We argued and she somehow got the bottle from me and whacked me with it.
For the first time, I almost hit her back. God, I wanted to. But I couldn't.
It even crossed my mind (as I was sitting in the emergency room) that maybe, if I would have hit her back years ago, that she would've stopped. Wishful thinking I know. Its not like I could hit her anyway. I love her too much.
I just wish she loved me enough to get help. That's what I had to talk to her about. She says she doesn't have a problem and refused.
So I refused to go back to her.
God help me.
You all know that I've been with Amber off and on for a long time now. I love her deeply, with all my heart. What you don't know is that she has a problem. A drinking problem and when she gets wasted on the hard stuff, she gets violent.
The black eye from the bar fight, the broken nose from the mechanic shop, the broken ribs...I lied. Amber can be pretty brutal at times.
I've left her so many times, you girls know I have. She finds me and apologizes. Tells me she loves me and it will never happen again. I love her so much and I want to believe her, so I always go back.
I haven't been with her for over a week now. Yes, the stitches over my eye are from her. She caught me pouring her bottle of whiskey down the drain. We argued and she somehow got the bottle from me and whacked me with it.
For the first time, I almost hit her back. God, I wanted to. But I couldn't.
It even crossed my mind (as I was sitting in the emergency room) that maybe, if I would have hit her back years ago, that she would've stopped. Wishful thinking I know. Its not like I could hit her anyway. I love her too much.
I just wish she loved me enough to get help. That's what I had to talk to her about. She says she doesn't have a problem and refused.
So I refused to go back to her.
God help me.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Help!
Hey girls.
Listen, I haven't seen Ash in days.
I don't even know what day it is.
Maybe I should go look for her.
Maybe not.
If anyof you see her, tell her to come home...
please
Listen, I haven't seen Ash in days.
I don't even know what day it is.
Maybe I should go look for her.
Maybe not.
If anyof you see her, tell her to come home...
please
Friday, October 24, 2008
Crazy Lesbian Circus
Okay...this is what we mean by crazy. We were all down at a local lesbian bar (that shall remain nameless) just drinking and dancing. Having a good time. I just got home. Anyway...
Remember Dimes threesome with Carla and Kelly. Well Carla was bent out of shape for a while. There was several times Bruiser had to step in to stop a fight.
Tonight was a little different. Carla walked in the bar, solo. She headed straight for Dimes who was dancing with my Val. Bruiser caught the quick moving Carla right before Carla grabbed Dimes.
Carla convinces Bruiser that she's gonna be nice, so Bruiser steps aside. Words got a little loud and Bruiser was about to take everyone outside but then...Carla grabs Dimes and gives her the hottest kiss I'd ever seen on that dance floor.
Dimes caught my eye and shrugged her shoulders like she didn't care. But then Kelly walked in. I'm thinking this is going to turn out ugly. I walk over to back Bruiser up if she needs it.
Kelly asks Carla what the hell she is doing and Carla answers, "My gift."
Now I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying and I am no good if a fight breaks out. Meanwhile the entire bar has all eyes on us. Kelly glanced around the room and smiled.
She then steps between Dimes and Carla and wraps her arms around Dimes neck. She says, "Only if you're going to share." She gives Dimes an even hotter kiss than her girl had given her. Carla walked around and gets behind Dimes. She says sure and they were all getting hot and heavy on the dance floor.
If I was Dimes, I would have left them both standing there and ran like hell. But what does Dimes do? She leaves with both of them again. She is fucking insane.
Remember Dimes threesome with Carla and Kelly. Well Carla was bent out of shape for a while. There was several times Bruiser had to step in to stop a fight.
Tonight was a little different. Carla walked in the bar, solo. She headed straight for Dimes who was dancing with my Val. Bruiser caught the quick moving Carla right before Carla grabbed Dimes.
Carla convinces Bruiser that she's gonna be nice, so Bruiser steps aside. Words got a little loud and Bruiser was about to take everyone outside but then...Carla grabs Dimes and gives her the hottest kiss I'd ever seen on that dance floor.
Dimes caught my eye and shrugged her shoulders like she didn't care. But then Kelly walked in. I'm thinking this is going to turn out ugly. I walk over to back Bruiser up if she needs it.
Kelly asks Carla what the hell she is doing and Carla answers, "My gift."
Now I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying and I am no good if a fight breaks out. Meanwhile the entire bar has all eyes on us. Kelly glanced around the room and smiled.
She then steps between Dimes and Carla and wraps her arms around Dimes neck. She says, "Only if you're going to share." She gives Dimes an even hotter kiss than her girl had given her. Carla walked around and gets behind Dimes. She says sure and they were all getting hot and heavy on the dance floor.
If I was Dimes, I would have left them both standing there and ran like hell. But what does Dimes do? She leaves with both of them again. She is fucking insane.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Just a little
Candy is right. It kind of does make everything else seem minor. We love you Starr.
And Candy, I really wish you would let us help you get off those damn drugs. We love you just as much as we love Starr and we'd like to keep you around a while. Maybe it's time you start to give a shit...because we do.
As far as getting more personal...here's something none of you know.
The girl I was with in high school, she told me she loved me the last night we were together. We were ummm...making love and her mother caught us.
Her mother started beating the crap out of her. I tried to stop her but got elbowed in the face...knocked out cold. When I woke up, I was half naked on the sidewalk in front of their house. The rest of my clothes were thrown beside me.
I beat on their door until the cops came. I told them what had happened and they ended up arresting me. I found out later that Kay's parents made her lie and say I beat her up.
They sent her away somewhere and I never saw her again. I tried like hell to find her, but came up empty. It sucked.
Okay...change of subject. Maggie and I have been talking on the phone a lot. We are going out tomorrow night. Wish me luck.
And Candy, I really wish you would let us help you get off those damn drugs. We love you just as much as we love Starr and we'd like to keep you around a while. Maybe it's time you start to give a shit...because we do.
As far as getting more personal...here's something none of you know.
The girl I was with in high school, she told me she loved me the last night we were together. We were ummm...making love and her mother caught us.
Her mother started beating the crap out of her. I tried to stop her but got elbowed in the face...knocked out cold. When I woke up, I was half naked on the sidewalk in front of their house. The rest of my clothes were thrown beside me.
I beat on their door until the cops came. I told them what had happened and they ended up arresting me. I found out later that Kay's parents made her lie and say I beat her up.
They sent her away somewhere and I never saw her again. I tried like hell to find her, but came up empty. It sucked.
Okay...change of subject. Maggie and I have been talking on the phone a lot. We are going out tomorrow night. Wish me luck.
Weeeee....
Fair warning. I'm a bit high flyin' right now.
Damn. Starr wrote some heavy stuff huh. Kinda makes me think that anything else that gets written in here is going to be so minor.
Whatever.
Went to the doc today. Got my fix so I'm feelin' reeeeeaal good right about now.
I can't find my girlfriend though.
If anyone see's Ash, tell her I'm home. I think.
Damn. Starr wrote some heavy stuff huh. Kinda makes me think that anything else that gets written in here is going to be so minor.
Whatever.
Went to the doc today. Got my fix so I'm feelin' reeeeeaal good right about now.
I can't find my girlfriend though.
If anyone see's Ash, tell her I'm home. I think.
Starr n' Sky
Starr threw us a slider, didn't she. I know some of you are thinking that it's been almost ten years and she should move on but if you'd read what we did you'd get it. The kind of love they shared...well it was unbelievable.
Walker's right. We all learned something about love. Don't take it for granted and life's too short. Luckily for Starr, her and Skylar knew how much they loved each other. Skylar wrote how Starr would show her and tell her how much she loved her everyday. And Starr said Skylar did the same.
If we could all learn to do that...
Well, since Starr can get personal in here, I will give it a try. I want and need to have a long talk with Amber first, so later!
Walker's right. We all learned something about love. Don't take it for granted and life's too short. Luckily for Starr, her and Skylar knew how much they loved each other. Skylar wrote how Starr would show her and tell her how much she loved her everyday. And Starr said Skylar did the same.
If we could all learn to do that...
Well, since Starr can get personal in here, I will give it a try. I want and need to have a long talk with Amber first, so later!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
In Our World
I think we were all a little scared to write anything after Starr's post. None of us had any idea. We all spent the last day trying to doctor the old wound we made her tear open.
Starr is fine though. Or at least she's pretending to be. I think we were all more tore up about her story than she was telling it. It actually made me cry for the first time in years. Bruiser and Peace are still with her though, just in case she's not as okay as she wants us to think.
Starr knew we would all show up at her house after reading that. She knew we'd ask questions. She had all the letters and journals sitting on her coffee table waiting for us.
There were so many journals. We only read the last one. Starr said she knew every book by heart. She lived it so I'm sure she does.
From what we read, Skylar was an amazing woman. She struggled daily but Starr lit up her life. Starr made her life more than livable but in the end, Skylar felt like she was somewhat of a burden. Like she was holding Starr back from really living her life, even though she said that Starr never complained. She had stopped taking her meds, she said, because she wanted to have a normal life with Starr. According to what the doctors wrote, the withdrawal from the meds was most likely what caused her to commit suicide.
I have a new respect for Starr. She is stronger than I could ever hope to be. I still hate to see her alone but I have a new understanding of why.
I think we all learned a little bit about love and I think there might be a few changes in all of us. Maybe even me. I feel like it brought us all a bit closer too.
I love you Starr. We all love you. Thank you for being our rock but remember, you can lean on us too. Always remember that.
Starr is fine though. Or at least she's pretending to be. I think we were all more tore up about her story than she was telling it. It actually made me cry for the first time in years. Bruiser and Peace are still with her though, just in case she's not as okay as she wants us to think.
Starr knew we would all show up at her house after reading that. She knew we'd ask questions. She had all the letters and journals sitting on her coffee table waiting for us.
There were so many journals. We only read the last one. Starr said she knew every book by heart. She lived it so I'm sure she does.
From what we read, Skylar was an amazing woman. She struggled daily but Starr lit up her life. Starr made her life more than livable but in the end, Skylar felt like she was somewhat of a burden. Like she was holding Starr back from really living her life, even though she said that Starr never complained. She had stopped taking her meds, she said, because she wanted to have a normal life with Starr. According to what the doctors wrote, the withdrawal from the meds was most likely what caused her to commit suicide.
I have a new respect for Starr. She is stronger than I could ever hope to be. I still hate to see her alone but I have a new understanding of why.
I think we all learned a little bit about love and I think there might be a few changes in all of us. Maybe even me. I feel like it brought us all a bit closer too.
I love you Starr. We all love you. Thank you for being our rock but remember, you can lean on us too. Always remember that.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
You wanted it, You got it
So, last night I was hanging out with the Circus gals and they think its only fair that I share in this thing too. So here it goes.
The girls want to know why I'm alone. The answer I always give them is because I want to be (which is true). The girls aren't satisfied with that answer and believe there's a story behind it. So they voted on it and decided that they wanted my first "personal" post to tell the truth behind my alone-ness. To avoid questions later, I'm giving you all the long version.
I was in love once. I met Skylar when I was 18. We worked together as stagehands at the Performing Arts Center. We hit it off right away and fell in love just as fast. She was wild and crazy and I was just as laid back as I am now. We brought out the best in each other.
After about a year of being together, we moved in together. Slowly, all of our skeleton's started creeping out of the closet.
I knew she had grown up with alcoholic, abusive parents. But what I didn't know was that she had been seeing a shrink and taking meds to keep her head straight. Really, no big deal. She had been so afraid to tell me about it, but I was cool and supportive. God, I loved her with everything in me and there was no way I was going to let that come between us.
A few amazing years went by and I had just celebrated my 23rd birthday. Her 24th was just around the corner. She kept telling me how her head never felt so clear and healthy. I believed her. She had stopped crying at night and stopped being afraid of every little noise she would hear in the dark. Things were better than great.
She woke me up early one morning with an indescribable look in her eyes. At first I was kind of scared that maybe she wasn't feeling so well. She quickly eased my mind though. She had this big speech written out and she read it to me.
In it, she she said how much she loved me and how happy I made her. She had us both in tears by the time she finished it. At the end, she asked me to marry her. She said she wanted to spend everyday of the rest of her life with me. Of course I said yes, everyday of the rest of my life with her was all I ever wanted.
She gave me an hour to write down "vows" and we drove out to our "special spot." We read them to each other and she pulled out these silver rings. They were engraved. Mine said, "Still loving you, Love Skylar." Yes its the same ring I wear on the chain around my neck.
We spent the entire next week making love and going to all kinds of places we had never been before. We knew we'd both lose our jobs but we didn't care. We had each other and that was more than enough for both of us.
We got back the night before her birthday. I woke the next day and told her I had to go out for an hour to pick up her birthday present. We told each other that we loved each other and I walked out the door.
It was that day, January 21, 1999 at 12:11pm, that I found my Skylar dead in the bathroom of our apartment. If it wasn't for the blood, I would have thought she was sleeping. She was always so beautiful.
She left me notes. A dozen of them. All of them full of apologies and how much she loved me. She even left me journals she had started writing on the very first day she met me that told the entire story of our relationship. She wanted me to understand that it wasn't my fault. And I know it wasn't.
So, please believe me when I say that I'm alone because I want to be. I could never love anyone as much as I loved Skylar and it wouldn't be fair to be in a relationship with someone if I couldn't give them all of me. Understand me?
The girls want to know why I'm alone. The answer I always give them is because I want to be (which is true). The girls aren't satisfied with that answer and believe there's a story behind it. So they voted on it and decided that they wanted my first "personal" post to tell the truth behind my alone-ness. To avoid questions later, I'm giving you all the long version.
I was in love once. I met Skylar when I was 18. We worked together as stagehands at the Performing Arts Center. We hit it off right away and fell in love just as fast. She was wild and crazy and I was just as laid back as I am now. We brought out the best in each other.
After about a year of being together, we moved in together. Slowly, all of our skeleton's started creeping out of the closet.
I knew she had grown up with alcoholic, abusive parents. But what I didn't know was that she had been seeing a shrink and taking meds to keep her head straight. Really, no big deal. She had been so afraid to tell me about it, but I was cool and supportive. God, I loved her with everything in me and there was no way I was going to let that come between us.
A few amazing years went by and I had just celebrated my 23rd birthday. Her 24th was just around the corner. She kept telling me how her head never felt so clear and healthy. I believed her. She had stopped crying at night and stopped being afraid of every little noise she would hear in the dark. Things were better than great.
She woke me up early one morning with an indescribable look in her eyes. At first I was kind of scared that maybe she wasn't feeling so well. She quickly eased my mind though. She had this big speech written out and she read it to me.
In it, she she said how much she loved me and how happy I made her. She had us both in tears by the time she finished it. At the end, she asked me to marry her. She said she wanted to spend everyday of the rest of her life with me. Of course I said yes, everyday of the rest of my life with her was all I ever wanted.
She gave me an hour to write down "vows" and we drove out to our "special spot." We read them to each other and she pulled out these silver rings. They were engraved. Mine said, "Still loving you, Love Skylar." Yes its the same ring I wear on the chain around my neck.
We spent the entire next week making love and going to all kinds of places we had never been before. We knew we'd both lose our jobs but we didn't care. We had each other and that was more than enough for both of us.
We got back the night before her birthday. I woke the next day and told her I had to go out for an hour to pick up her birthday present. We told each other that we loved each other and I walked out the door.
It was that day, January 21, 1999 at 12:11pm, that I found my Skylar dead in the bathroom of our apartment. If it wasn't for the blood, I would have thought she was sleeping. She was always so beautiful.
She left me notes. A dozen of them. All of them full of apologies and how much she loved me. She even left me journals she had started writing on the very first day she met me that told the entire story of our relationship. She wanted me to understand that it wasn't my fault. And I know it wasn't.
So, please believe me when I say that I'm alone because I want to be. I could never love anyone as much as I loved Skylar and it wouldn't be fair to be in a relationship with someone if I couldn't give them all of me. Understand me?
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Reflection
Damn! I wish I would have known you were awake, Starr. I would've had you join me at the beach. It was crawling with sexy women today.
Maybe its something in the air, Starr, because I haven't been sleeping much either. Or it could just be that time of the year. You know, 'the years almost over and what the hell have I accomplished type thing.'
Anyway, so I went to the beach today...alone. Watching the sunrise helps me relax. I had such a hectic week.
Yeah, so I wanted to think and a subject I hadn't thought about in a long while came to mind.
I arrived at the beach as the sun was coming up. It was a magnificent sunrise I might add. The place was empty except for two punk girls that were sitting close to shore holding on to each other tight. I knew they couldn't have been more than 16 or so, but it reminded me of when I was that age. Then it reminded me of coming out.
Very painfully reminded me, too. The look in my mothers eyes and the words that flew from her lips like bullets from a gun. She threw a gallon jug of gin at me that I still have the scar from.
I started wondering what it was like for kids now. Since I had no idea, when the girls were walking past me, I stopped them. They were more than happy to sit and explain their coming out stories. (Yeah, they both were out.)
Christy, who told me she just turned 17, said that coming out for her was awful. She said that her parents had always preached about unconditional love and such. But when she sat them down to tell them that she had fallen in love...for the first time...with a girl, that unconditional love turned into an inferno of hell. They ended up kicking her out in the street. Her aunt took her in but still. How could a parent do something like that to their child? She said that they won't even answer when she calls and all her letters have been returned. I guess we know who the adult here is and I told Christy so. She was really a good kid.
Her girlfriend, Trin was still sixteen. And yes Trin is the girl Christy was in love with. They had been together for two years already. Well, her parents took it a little better. Okay...her mom took it just fine and her father still hasn't said a word to her, but at least they didn't abandon her. The best part is that her parents don't try to keep them apart. In fact, her mother calls Christy her "other" daughter which I thought was pretty cool.
My mother has never even acknowledged any of my girlfriends and still tries to fix me up with "nice young men."
Trin quoted what her mother had told her. She said, "Love knows no gender. And if God is all knowing, then he knew that you were gay before he sent you here. And he wouldn't have brought you to Earth just to be damned to hell. So, if God is cool enough with it to give you life, then everyone should be."
I thought about it for a while after they left and I saw where her mom was coming from. Most of us know that we are "different" at a very young age. There are many who don't realize it until later in life. There are even some who know but are so afraid of losing their loved ones and friends over it that they pretend to be straight for decades, living a miserable life.
Then there are the kids. The ones that don't make it to their 16th birthday because of rejection from their families or depression from holding in such a big secret or simply because they have no one to talk to about their confusion.
Its not fair.
Children should not have to be so afraid. Parents should realize that they brought an individual into the world not a mini version of themselves. An individual with their own mind, their own feelings. Feelings that the parents might not understand. But still...
That child is still the small baby you held close as you whispered that you would love them no matter what. The same baby you said was perfect in every way. They are still perfect, they just love a little different.
Even though you might not love them anymore or feel disgusted or disgraced by them, they still love you.
Like Christy said...they are her parents and she will always love them even if they hate her for the rest of her life.
Stop losing your kids to your ignorance and hate.
Love is love...it knows no gender.
Maybe its something in the air, Starr, because I haven't been sleeping much either. Or it could just be that time of the year. You know, 'the years almost over and what the hell have I accomplished type thing.'
Anyway, so I went to the beach today...alone. Watching the sunrise helps me relax. I had such a hectic week.
Yeah, so I wanted to think and a subject I hadn't thought about in a long while came to mind.
I arrived at the beach as the sun was coming up. It was a magnificent sunrise I might add. The place was empty except for two punk girls that were sitting close to shore holding on to each other tight. I knew they couldn't have been more than 16 or so, but it reminded me of when I was that age. Then it reminded me of coming out.
Very painfully reminded me, too. The look in my mothers eyes and the words that flew from her lips like bullets from a gun. She threw a gallon jug of gin at me that I still have the scar from.
I started wondering what it was like for kids now. Since I had no idea, when the girls were walking past me, I stopped them. They were more than happy to sit and explain their coming out stories. (Yeah, they both were out.)
Christy, who told me she just turned 17, said that coming out for her was awful. She said that her parents had always preached about unconditional love and such. But when she sat them down to tell them that she had fallen in love...for the first time...with a girl, that unconditional love turned into an inferno of hell. They ended up kicking her out in the street. Her aunt took her in but still. How could a parent do something like that to their child? She said that they won't even answer when she calls and all her letters have been returned. I guess we know who the adult here is and I told Christy so. She was really a good kid.
Her girlfriend, Trin was still sixteen. And yes Trin is the girl Christy was in love with. They had been together for two years already. Well, her parents took it a little better. Okay...her mom took it just fine and her father still hasn't said a word to her, but at least they didn't abandon her. The best part is that her parents don't try to keep them apart. In fact, her mother calls Christy her "other" daughter which I thought was pretty cool.
My mother has never even acknowledged any of my girlfriends and still tries to fix me up with "nice young men."
Trin quoted what her mother had told her. She said, "Love knows no gender. And if God is all knowing, then he knew that you were gay before he sent you here. And he wouldn't have brought you to Earth just to be damned to hell. So, if God is cool enough with it to give you life, then everyone should be."
I thought about it for a while after they left and I saw where her mom was coming from. Most of us know that we are "different" at a very young age. There are many who don't realize it until later in life. There are even some who know but are so afraid of losing their loved ones and friends over it that they pretend to be straight for decades, living a miserable life.
Then there are the kids. The ones that don't make it to their 16th birthday because of rejection from their families or depression from holding in such a big secret or simply because they have no one to talk to about their confusion.
Its not fair.
Children should not have to be so afraid. Parents should realize that they brought an individual into the world not a mini version of themselves. An individual with their own mind, their own feelings. Feelings that the parents might not understand. But still...
That child is still the small baby you held close as you whispered that you would love them no matter what. The same baby you said was perfect in every way. They are still perfect, they just love a little different.
Even though you might not love them anymore or feel disgusted or disgraced by them, they still love you.
Like Christy said...they are her parents and she will always love them even if they hate her for the rest of her life.
Stop losing your kids to your ignorance and hate.
Love is love...it knows no gender.
Sleep deprived
Yeah, another sleepless night. And you would think that after last nights activities, I would be content in the arms of the stunning woman who is still warmly sleeping in my bed.
I tried to sleep. She made herself comfortable, wrapping around me, and I listened to her breathe for a long, long time. My eyes never closed.
So here I am. Trying desperately to figure out why I can no longer sleep. I have no worries. I mean, yeah, I got the normal family problems but nothing that's been occupying my mind for more than the ten minutes or so it takes to have the problem discussion.
I've been writing intensely. No problems there.
I don't know, but whatever it is, I hope it starts talking to me or something.
I think I'm losing my mind.
I tried to sleep. She made herself comfortable, wrapping around me, and I listened to her breathe for a long, long time. My eyes never closed.
So here I am. Trying desperately to figure out why I can no longer sleep. I have no worries. I mean, yeah, I got the normal family problems but nothing that's been occupying my mind for more than the ten minutes or so it takes to have the problem discussion.
I've been writing intensely. No problems there.
I don't know, but whatever it is, I hope it starts talking to me or something.
I think I'm losing my mind.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Induction to the Addiction Hall of Fame
OMG! This morning I woke up in some fuckin' hotel room with a bunch of people I didn't know. I couldn't find my shirt anywhere and it took me an hour to find my GSXR (my motorcycle). I had to ride all the way home in my fucking bra and it was damn cold.
Oh, I'm Candy by the way. The Circus Junkie. At least that's what the girls call me. I'm an addict and I know I'm an addict. I've never denied it and I don't really give a shit.
My addiction started about 5 years ago, I think. When I was 19, I was in an accident on my first motorcycle. No, I wasn't out fucking around. I was obeying the laws and doing the speed limit. Some fucking asshole in a work truck pulled out in front of me. I don't really remember much else.
I was told I landed in the back seat of a parked car. Went right through the rear window. They pronounced me dead en route to the hospital but somehow, I came back.
Long story short, I was fucked up royally. The pain never goes away. The good side is that I got a couple of million out of it.
You probably think I'm crazy for getting on a bike again but I look at it this way...God's gonna take me when she wants to. She sure as hell didn't want me the first time!
Okay...so I am crazy. But aren't we all!
Gotta run, Bye
Oh, I'm Candy by the way. The Circus Junkie. At least that's what the girls call me. I'm an addict and I know I'm an addict. I've never denied it and I don't really give a shit.
My addiction started about 5 years ago, I think. When I was 19, I was in an accident on my first motorcycle. No, I wasn't out fucking around. I was obeying the laws and doing the speed limit. Some fucking asshole in a work truck pulled out in front of me. I don't really remember much else.
I was told I landed in the back seat of a parked car. Went right through the rear window. They pronounced me dead en route to the hospital but somehow, I came back.
Long story short, I was fucked up royally. The pain never goes away. The good side is that I got a couple of million out of it.
You probably think I'm crazy for getting on a bike again but I look at it this way...God's gonna take me when she wants to. She sure as hell didn't want me the first time!
Okay...so I am crazy. But aren't we all!
Gotta run, Bye
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Bruiser
I wasn't so sure about this thing at first. But...the more I thought about it, the better I felt about it.
There's just some things I don't share with the girls because I just don't want their faces staring back at me when I tell them things. I figured in here, I could write about it to let them know whats really going on and I don't have to see their reaction. I don't have to hear their arguments or whatever right away. (Sorry girls, but you all can be quite difficult at times.) They can read it and have time to think about it before they give me any shit.
What's up, I'm Bruiser, the Crazy Lesbian Circus bodyguard...to an extent. I got a tough girl image that has followed me for decades. I don't cry. Nothing hurts me. I'm like a thick wall of steel and I'm just about as cold. (At least that's what I've been told.) Don't believe everything you hear.
I have a girl. I've been in an on-again/off-again relationship with Amber for about five years now. I love her. I really do but...I think I will have to share that in another post. I'm still not quite sure I'm ready to share at all. But I will make an effort. Until then...Later
There's just some things I don't share with the girls because I just don't want their faces staring back at me when I tell them things. I figured in here, I could write about it to let them know whats really going on and I don't have to see their reaction. I don't have to hear their arguments or whatever right away. (Sorry girls, but you all can be quite difficult at times.) They can read it and have time to think about it before they give me any shit.
What's up, I'm Bruiser, the Crazy Lesbian Circus bodyguard...to an extent. I got a tough girl image that has followed me for decades. I don't cry. Nothing hurts me. I'm like a thick wall of steel and I'm just about as cold. (At least that's what I've been told.) Don't believe everything you hear.
I have a girl. I've been in an on-again/off-again relationship with Amber for about five years now. I love her. I really do but...I think I will have to share that in another post. I'm still not quite sure I'm ready to share at all. But I will make an effort. Until then...Later
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Walker
Starr's been hounding me to introduce myself here. She has this theory that it will help us all in one way or another. I think she's just tired of us calling her 24/7.
Okay...so here I am. Walkers my name. The girls call me Walker because they say I have a fear of commitment. That I walk out when things get heavy. It's not true, though.
I just like my space. I like my independence. I've seen it too many times. You give yourself to someone. They take over your life. Then they leave you and take everything with them. I won't let that happen to me.
Besides, I got a girl, Val, who understands my point. We've been together for about three months. Everything's been going great and she likes her space just as much as I like mine. I think things will work out good for us.
Happy Starr....later.
Okay...so here I am. Walkers my name. The girls call me Walker because they say I have a fear of commitment. That I walk out when things get heavy. It's not true, though.
I just like my space. I like my independence. I've seen it too many times. You give yourself to someone. They take over your life. Then they leave you and take everything with them. I won't let that happen to me.
Besides, I got a girl, Val, who understands my point. We've been together for about three months. Everything's been going great and she likes her space just as much as I like mine. I think things will work out good for us.
Happy Starr....later.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The shy one
I talked to Walker yesterday and she says that Maggie (the girl with burgundy hair) was pretty pissed off at her for setting us up. But Walker says she smoothed things over and explained my "shy" problem. That was cool of her, right?
So now Maggie's gonna call me. I'm petrified. I mentioned before that I was the most inexperienced...I'm not lying. I've had one, yes one, short relationship back in high school. I'm 23 and I haven't had sex since I was 16. And that was only twice.
You would think having free loving hippies as parents, I would be a little more like them. To be honest, their lifestyle used to scare the shit outta me. I'd wake up in the morning to a house full of naked strangers. Once, I woke up to two people having sex on the floor of my bedroom.
My parents made sure that never happened again and made my room off limits. But still, I'd seen too much. At age 8, I drew a naked woman in art class. It was a mental image of a naked woman that was passed out on the couch. Anyway, I got in so much trouble and damn near landed myself in state custody.
The woman was so beautiful though, blond hair and beautiful curves. That was about the time I realized I was different from most kids.
Well, if Maggie calls and something happens, I'll tell the story. Hopefully it will have a happy ending this time.
So now Maggie's gonna call me. I'm petrified. I mentioned before that I was the most inexperienced...I'm not lying. I've had one, yes one, short relationship back in high school. I'm 23 and I haven't had sex since I was 16. And that was only twice.
You would think having free loving hippies as parents, I would be a little more like them. To be honest, their lifestyle used to scare the shit outta me. I'd wake up in the morning to a house full of naked strangers. Once, I woke up to two people having sex on the floor of my bedroom.
My parents made sure that never happened again and made my room off limits. But still, I'd seen too much. At age 8, I drew a naked woman in art class. It was a mental image of a naked woman that was passed out on the couch. Anyway, I got in so much trouble and damn near landed myself in state custody.
The woman was so beautiful though, blond hair and beautiful curves. That was about the time I realized I was different from most kids.
Well, if Maggie calls and something happens, I'll tell the story. Hopefully it will have a happy ending this time.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
More of the Circus
I told you it was a circus. Yeah, its Starr. I love all these girls to death but sometimes they drive me crazy.
Peace is the shyest human I've ever met. She's cool with all of us, somewhat. We still haven't been able to figure out why she's so shy. I'm still in shock that she actually went on the date Walker set up for her. I guess we are making progress with her shyness.
Dimes is a piece of work. Tonight, Bruiser had to keep Carla from kicking her ass. I say Carla needed the ass kicking for sharing her girl in the first place. Dimes needed an ass kicking too, for being crazy enough to think that the night would go smoothly. But I'm so different than Dimes. I think Dimes doesn't see anything wrong with her "playing". Its her life. And that's what keeps us all close...we don't interfere. But we do voice our opinions.
I've known Dimes and Walker the longest.
Dimes is too sexy to be a guy and too gorgeous to be a girl. Totally androgynous. She's an all around player and I can't help but think that there's a big reason behind it. We'll see, hopefully she'll be more open about it in here.
Walker and Candy have agreed to contribute. Bruiser's thinking about it. You'll meet them soon enough. Good reading!
Peace is the shyest human I've ever met. She's cool with all of us, somewhat. We still haven't been able to figure out why she's so shy. I'm still in shock that she actually went on the date Walker set up for her. I guess we are making progress with her shyness.
Dimes is a piece of work. Tonight, Bruiser had to keep Carla from kicking her ass. I say Carla needed the ass kicking for sharing her girl in the first place. Dimes needed an ass kicking too, for being crazy enough to think that the night would go smoothly. But I'm so different than Dimes. I think Dimes doesn't see anything wrong with her "playing". Its her life. And that's what keeps us all close...we don't interfere. But we do voice our opinions.
I've known Dimes and Walker the longest.
Dimes is too sexy to be a guy and too gorgeous to be a girl. Totally androgynous. She's an all around player and I can't help but think that there's a big reason behind it. We'll see, hopefully she'll be more open about it in here.
Walker and Candy have agreed to contribute. Bruiser's thinking about it. You'll meet them soon enough. Good reading!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Could it get any crazier
Hey, I'm Dimes. I gotta tell someone about the shit that happened last night, so I'm gonna write it here. Since no one is answering their phones.
So get this. I'm in Retro (one of the local lesbian bars) minding my own business. I wasn't feeling up to playing really but...Carla walks up behind me, throwing her arms around me, and kissing my neck.
I know you're thinking, no big deal, right. Wrong. Carla's got a girl. A girl she's been with for years. And not just any girl. She's got Kelly...the hottest chick (besides me) that's ever walked into this bar.
Anyway, Carla says, "Hey sexy. Are you busy tonight?"
Without turning around, I answered, "It depends on who's askin'."
"Us," said a voice in my other ear.
I turned around and Kelly was standing there with a big smile on her face. I won't lie, I've hit on her before and I had a feeling she liked me more than she let on. Yeah, my jaw hit the floor. Now...I'm cool with the threesome thing. I've been known to do worse (or better) things. But something was telling my brain that this wasn't a good idea. My sex was sayin' otherwise.
I asked them what they had in mind, just to cover my ass. It was obvious that Carla had had a few to many to drink but Kelly seemed completely coherent. So I had to make sure they were both on the same page.
Carla tells me that its their anniversary and their gift to each other was one night with a girl they both agreed to. And that was me. For a second or two, I thought I should be honored. But then again, I am Dimes. Everyone wants me and no one can resist me.
I down my drink, pay my tab, and I'm out the door with two hot women who think of me as a gift. Sounds great, right?
Well, it was, up until the point that Carla passed out. We had just finished with round one, too. So I'm thinking that the party was over. Nope. Kelly didn't seem to care much, so neither did I. Hell, we're talking Kelly here.
Kelly couldn't get enough and I sure as hell wasn't gonna stop givin'. That girl is freaky and even hotter with her clothes off. She had me doin' things to her that I never thought she'd be into. And I denied her nothing.
We were workin' on round fifty or so when Carla woke up and hit the roof. At first I thought she was just...I don't know...caught off guard or something by the way her girl was grindin' my face and moaning my name.
Then Carla yells something like, "What the fuck are you doing?"
Kelly practically purrs back, "My gift."
I can't say a word 'cause my mouth is still full of Kelly and I can't move much with her sitting on my face. I'm thinking I'm in deep trouble and in a very vulnerable position. I couldn't see where Carla was.
Next thing I know, Kelly's being yanked from the bed. Carla's pulling her off to another room. I hear them start yelling, so I took it as my cue to leave. I did what anyone would do in that situation. I grabbed my clothes, jumped out the window naked, and got dressed as I ran.
Today...Kelly won't stop texting me about how much fun she had and Carla keeps leaving me messages about how she's gonna kick my ass. Drama...I knew it. (Bruiser...I might be needing you soon.)
I'd like to say I learned my lesson but hell no. No way. I'd do it all again and wouldn't change a thing. Totally worth it.
So get this. I'm in Retro (one of the local lesbian bars) minding my own business. I wasn't feeling up to playing really but...Carla walks up behind me, throwing her arms around me, and kissing my neck.
I know you're thinking, no big deal, right. Wrong. Carla's got a girl. A girl she's been with for years. And not just any girl. She's got Kelly...the hottest chick (besides me) that's ever walked into this bar.
Anyway, Carla says, "Hey sexy. Are you busy tonight?"
Without turning around, I answered, "It depends on who's askin'."
"Us," said a voice in my other ear.
I turned around and Kelly was standing there with a big smile on her face. I won't lie, I've hit on her before and I had a feeling she liked me more than she let on. Yeah, my jaw hit the floor. Now...I'm cool with the threesome thing. I've been known to do worse (or better) things. But something was telling my brain that this wasn't a good idea. My sex was sayin' otherwise.
I asked them what they had in mind, just to cover my ass. It was obvious that Carla had had a few to many to drink but Kelly seemed completely coherent. So I had to make sure they were both on the same page.
Carla tells me that its their anniversary and their gift to each other was one night with a girl they both agreed to. And that was me. For a second or two, I thought I should be honored. But then again, I am Dimes. Everyone wants me and no one can resist me.
I down my drink, pay my tab, and I'm out the door with two hot women who think of me as a gift. Sounds great, right?
Well, it was, up until the point that Carla passed out. We had just finished with round one, too. So I'm thinking that the party was over. Nope. Kelly didn't seem to care much, so neither did I. Hell, we're talking Kelly here.
Kelly couldn't get enough and I sure as hell wasn't gonna stop givin'. That girl is freaky and even hotter with her clothes off. She had me doin' things to her that I never thought she'd be into. And I denied her nothing.
We were workin' on round fifty or so when Carla woke up and hit the roof. At first I thought she was just...I don't know...caught off guard or something by the way her girl was grindin' my face and moaning my name.
Then Carla yells something like, "What the fuck are you doing?"
Kelly practically purrs back, "My gift."
I can't say a word 'cause my mouth is still full of Kelly and I can't move much with her sitting on my face. I'm thinking I'm in deep trouble and in a very vulnerable position. I couldn't see where Carla was.
Next thing I know, Kelly's being yanked from the bed. Carla's pulling her off to another room. I hear them start yelling, so I took it as my cue to leave. I did what anyone would do in that situation. I grabbed my clothes, jumped out the window naked, and got dressed as I ran.
Today...Kelly won't stop texting me about how much fun she had and Carla keeps leaving me messages about how she's gonna kick my ass. Drama...I knew it. (Bruiser...I might be needing you soon.)
I'd like to say I learned my lesson but hell no. No way. I'd do it all again and wouldn't change a thing. Totally worth it.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Date with burgundy girl
So they call me Peace. The circus crew pick on me because my parents are probably the last two remaining hippies on the planet. They smoked more weed yesterday than I have my entire life. So be it, right.
Anyhow, you will probably figure out that I am the most inexperienced and shyest of us all. The youngest too. At least they don't pick on me for any of that but they do try and set me up a lot. Most of the time I turn them down, but there have been a few occasions I've attempted a date. Some of the girls are so hot and I get so shy that I can barely pull my name from my throat, much less a meaningful conversation. Needless to say, my dates don't go very far.
Like this last girl they set me up with. Walkers girlfriend had a friend, a drop dead gorgeous friend. Her hair was burgundy and so were her eyes. Beautiful. If I was anything like Dimes, she would've went home with me that night.
We started with a nice dinner. Gianni's to be exact. She liked to talk and I liked to listen. Not like I would've been able to put together a decent sentence anyway.
But I watched her as she spoke. Her sexy full lips and even sexier smile had me hypnotized. I couldn't keep my eyes off them. The whole time, I fantasized of places I'd like those lips to be.
When dinner was over, we went to a movie. Now this is where I messed up. She's got her hand on my leg, slowly inching up on my thigh. My blood was pumping to all the right places and my body temperature was rising. And just when she was about to get to the part that counts...I stopped her. I'm not sure why but I stopped her. What the fucks wrong with me?
Anyhow, my guess is that I insulted her. Or maybe she thought that I was uninterested. I'm not sure but she didn't make another attempt all night. And even though I wanted to, I couldn't talk myself into making a move. I couldn't even hold her hand.
So I take her home. The ride wasn't so bad. She seemed to perk up a bit, literally. Things were looking better and I thought I was loosening up. We pull up to her house and she kisses my cheek. "You wanna come in for a drink...or something else?" she asks in a very seductive voice.
I'm still stuck on the kiss on my cheek and nothing - I mean nothing - comes from my mouth. Couldn't move, couldn't speak, and she's looking at me like I'm dysfunctional or broken.
She gets out of the car, slams the door, and yells, "If you're not fucking interested, you should just fucking say so!" She turned her back and vanished behind her door.
Now, what I should have done was get out of the car and apologize profusely through her door until she let me in. Instead, I sat in my car for ten minutes contemplating it.
I drove home with my tail between my legs. Its been days and I can't even get up the nerve to call her. Some lesbian I am. I would turn in my card but the crew says I don't have one.
Anyhow, you will probably figure out that I am the most inexperienced and shyest of us all. The youngest too. At least they don't pick on me for any of that but they do try and set me up a lot. Most of the time I turn them down, but there have been a few occasions I've attempted a date. Some of the girls are so hot and I get so shy that I can barely pull my name from my throat, much less a meaningful conversation. Needless to say, my dates don't go very far.
Like this last girl they set me up with. Walkers girlfriend had a friend, a drop dead gorgeous friend. Her hair was burgundy and so were her eyes. Beautiful. If I was anything like Dimes, she would've went home with me that night.
We started with a nice dinner. Gianni's to be exact. She liked to talk and I liked to listen. Not like I would've been able to put together a decent sentence anyway.
But I watched her as she spoke. Her sexy full lips and even sexier smile had me hypnotized. I couldn't keep my eyes off them. The whole time, I fantasized of places I'd like those lips to be.
When dinner was over, we went to a movie. Now this is where I messed up. She's got her hand on my leg, slowly inching up on my thigh. My blood was pumping to all the right places and my body temperature was rising. And just when she was about to get to the part that counts...I stopped her. I'm not sure why but I stopped her. What the fucks wrong with me?
Anyhow, my guess is that I insulted her. Or maybe she thought that I was uninterested. I'm not sure but she didn't make another attempt all night. And even though I wanted to, I couldn't talk myself into making a move. I couldn't even hold her hand.
So I take her home. The ride wasn't so bad. She seemed to perk up a bit, literally. Things were looking better and I thought I was loosening up. We pull up to her house and she kisses my cheek. "You wanna come in for a drink...or something else?" she asks in a very seductive voice.
I'm still stuck on the kiss on my cheek and nothing - I mean nothing - comes from my mouth. Couldn't move, couldn't speak, and she's looking at me like I'm dysfunctional or broken.
She gets out of the car, slams the door, and yells, "If you're not fucking interested, you should just fucking say so!" She turned her back and vanished behind her door.
Now, what I should have done was get out of the car and apologize profusely through her door until she let me in. Instead, I sat in my car for ten minutes contemplating it.
I drove home with my tail between my legs. Its been days and I can't even get up the nerve to call her. Some lesbian I am. I would turn in my card but the crew says I don't have one.
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